Going Out Is Too Much Hassle

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 08

Colorado Football Under Fire

In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. "I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. "We're going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn't it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?" Raymond said he hasn't forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year.

4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to his mother, 4-year-old Justin Finley "absolutely loved" a recent family trip to Italy. "He adored the fountains and the wonderful food, but Justin's favorite part of the trip was the La Scala Opera House in Milan," Heather Finley said Monday. "He was so excited at the La Scala that he was jumping up and down on the benches and climbing up the curtains." Finley then launched into her 23rd recounting of the family's tour of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where Justin pointed to the gilt ceiling and said, "Look, pretty yellow!"

Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen

CYBERTRON—Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!

Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure

FREDERICK, MD—Two days before his scheduled colonoscopy, Barry Feldman, 47, told his wife Joyce he was "kinda excited" by the idea of a camera taking internal pictures of him, sources reported Tuesday. "I'm a little nervous about the test results, but it sure is amazing that they'll be taking photos with a camera the size of a pencil eraser!" Feldman said. "I talked to the doctor, and he said I'll be able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. He said they can even make me a video tape!" Feldman added that he hopes he doesn't pass out from the pain and miss something.

Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears

BANGKOK—To allay concerns about the safety of Thai poultry following an outbreak of the H5N1 bird virus, Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra ate an entire 15-piece bucket of fried chicken on live television Monday. "See, it's fine, this chicken," Shinawatra said as he tore into a leg. "You are all worried for nothing. It's delicious." In a Carson's Group International poll taken after the broadcast, 63 percent of viewers said they wouldn't be afraid to eat chicken raised in Thailand, but 94 percent said they were afraid of Shinawatra.

Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.

Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Partying

Going Out Is Too Much Hassle

Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been out of my head lately. I've put on about 15 pounds since I started my job driving people back and forth between the airport and the car-rental place. I don't get it. I've been driving my ass off, and I'm still becoming a king-sized fat-ass. I'm trying that Atkins diet. They got a book about it, but why bother with that? I think I got the gist of it from hearing Wes' mom talk about it all the time. I mean, eat nothing but meat? Sign me up. I went out and got myself 12 packs of hot dogs and a 10-pound box of frozen hamburger patties. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I figure you gotta give these things some time to work.

It's been real hard to keep off the chips, though. I got myself a primo weed source last month, so I find myself with the munchies pretty much every night. That's why I got some jerky. It's like having chips made of meat, only they don't crunch, unless you fry them for a couple minutes. Then they're like meat Doritos.

I'd be pretty happy just sitting around the house eating my jerky chips and watching the tube. The only problem is that I can't get people to come over to my place, and I don't like being all alone. I'm a social animal by nature. I can usually count on Ron to stop by, since he's a cheap son of a bitch. Wes used to be good for hanging out, but then he got himself a girlfriend named Mindy. God only knows how. I think they met on some computer chat line last month or so. Since then, Ron and I haven't seen much of him.

Anyway, Ron called up and told me that he needed to go out for once. He had the brilliant idea of going to The Bull for their Valentine's Day special. I like Valentine's Day less than I like Sting, but there are always good drink specials that night, like two-for-one on anything pink. I'm not much for pink booze, but who am I to turn down a good value? Plus, he laid on the old Ron guilt. He told me that Wes and Mindy were going to meet up with him, and he didn't want to be a third wheel.

Now, the secret to going out for the night is drinking before you leave the house. At home, you drink for half the cost, and you don't have to tip the guy who gets the beer out of the fridge. Ron stopped by on the way to The Bull, so we ate some hot dogs and knocked back a few for about an hour.

When we got to the bar, it was only about half full. I thought it would be packed with couples, especially on a Saturday night, but I guess everyone had something better to do. Wes and Mindy were already waiting for us. They were at a table, and both of them were drinking some kind of pink ice-cream drink.

I went to the bar and asked if they had any pink drinks that weren't totally weak. The bartender said I should try a cosmo. I'm totally into all the outer-space science stuff, so I ordered two of them and headed back to the table. Ron tried to grab one of my drinks, but I told him that that wasn't an option. I took a sip of my first drink, and it was pretty good. It went down smooth, like Hawaiian Punch. I made it through pretty quick, and I figured that they were probably best cold, so I kicked the second one back right after.

I wanted to play darts, but some fat guys were all over the dartboard. They had quarters lined up like it was a Pac-Man game, so there was nothing to do but sit at the table and get more drinks. Meanwhile, Ron was trying to make time with a table of ladies. I could see them rolling their eyes from across the bar, but that didn't stop Ron. He's like a pit bull on the trail of a steak.

That left me the third wheel to Wes and Mindy, which is the situation Ron dragged me down there to avoid in the first place. Mindy seemed all right, though. Kinda cute in a weird, computer-chat-line sort of way. She didn't say much, but I don't blame her for that. I know what it's like to be the new person in a group. It's best to sit back and take it all in at first. I guess you can't say a whole lot when you're making goo-goo eyes, anyway.

We were talking about movies—that's the kind of small talk you make with chicks—when my sixth cosmo hit me. Mindy was talking about the Hobbit movie, and I couldn't make out what she was saying. Wes must have spotted that unmistakable look on my face, because he pulled Mindy away right before I lost my hot dogs all over the table.

The bartender ran out from behind the bar and grabbed me. I tried to get away, but I could barely lift my arms. Before I knew it, I was out on the curb. I wanted to head back in there to show that prick a thing or two, but I couldn't get up all the way. I just had to lean against a car and try to stop the spinning. Ten minutes later, Ron finally came out to drive me back to my place. I just wanted to get home without any chatter, but Ron kept going on about how I blew his big chance with the women at the other table.

I never thought a pink beverage could fuck you up so fast. I guess it was my fault, because I failed to follow the cardinal rule: Beer before liquor, never sicker. I never should've listened to Ron and gone out in the first place. Valentine's Day has always sucked, and now I have one more reason to hate it.

I called Wes and apologized for almost puking on his date. Like a true friend, he was cool with it. Even better, Ron said that Mindy didn't even rag on me. Some girls would've dragged me through the dirt for the rest of the night. Time will tell, but Wes might have found himself a decent one.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More