What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is!

Ooh! Here comes the best show on television! I wonder what kind of hilarious antics these so-and-so's get into this week. Ooh! Ooh! Here comes the first line of the show. Oh goodness! The redheaded one just said she "ralphed!" I have never heard a more humorous utterance in all my life!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh my. That was a doozy. Why, I haven't laughed that hard since the final line of the last episode! They get me every time. Every time! This show is so funny, I can't believe they couldn't find a live audience to actually laugh at it!

Whoa, there goes that sassy brunette emasculating one of her male companions! I think this calls for an especially loud bit of laughter with perhaps a guffaw thrown into the middle! Ha! Ha! HA! Ha! Ha! That was clearly the funniest moment so far!

Boy, there's nothing like a good laugh to release the tension after a long, hard day at work. We all could use some lighthearted entertainment, couldn't we? And you don't even have to really get the joke or see why it's funny—just sit back and follow my lead. Come on, loosen up a little! Oh, wait, here comes another one-liner...get ready for it, now...

Ha! Ha! HA!

Is this fun or what?! The writers of this show are visionaries in their field. Who ever could have thought up such a rambunctious exchange of good-natured ribbing as I have just witnessed? It is both perfectly timed and completely inoffensive! I find myself wishing I had similar friends who were as quick-witted and engagingly neurotic. Hold on—the tall lanky one is having a comically physical overreaction to a situation that hardly calls for it! That makes me want to laugh steadily for a full nine seconds, and then taper off so as not to drown out the next line of dialogue.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haha. Ha. Ha.

What will they think of next? I can't imagine them topping that last number. Nothing on Earth could make me laugh exactly that way again. Unless…oh my! That fellow's pants are too short for his body! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whistle! This is the perfect way to spend every Monday evening from 9:30 to 10 p.m.!

Oh goodness! It looks like the complex plan the men have concocted to get women to sleep with them has gone hilariously awry! What a surprising turn of events! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [APPLAUSE.]

That last joke was so sidesplitting, it almost makes me wish some anonymous technician in a postproduction bay somewhere would make me louder, so I could laugh at it even harder than I already am—oh look, one did! HA! HA! HA! Thanks, sound man! I'm so glad we could all share in this laughter together.

Oh, what a good-timey, comical family situation! Aren't we all just having a blast? Why, I could watch this show all day long without ever losing my enthusiasm for clever catchphrases, pratfalls, crazy mix-'em-ups, and numerous scenes in which a man has a conversation with a woman and his friends stand behind the woman making wild hand gestures to convey to the man when he has said something he shouldn't be saying.

Uh–oh! What do we have here? A particularly colorful recurring character I recognize has entered the room! I must mark this occasion with riotous applause and perhaps a whistle. Whoo! [APPLAUSE.] Whoo! Whoo! Oh, that Barney. Chasing after some woman again, no doubt! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Just thinking of what he might do when a woman enters the room is enough to launch me into a fit of snickering, knowing laughter. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Now I will remain perfectly silent to take in the two or so minutes of dramatic plot development. During times like these, I like to reflect on some of my favorite moments from past shows, like the time the redheaded one said "ralphed." Hold on, I believe someone just broke the tension with an inopportune comment, which is even more hilarious when juxtaposed with the gravity of the situation. HA! Ha! HA! HA!

Wow! That was a big one! I simply adore How I Met Your Mother, and hope everyone will use my regularly scheduled outbursts of laughter as cues for punch lines so that even the most jaded and passive of viewers will be able to laugh at the correct moments! My, what a glorious medium television has turned out to be!

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