How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is!

Ooh! Here comes the best show on television! I wonder what kind of hilarious antics these so-and-so's get into this week. Ooh! Ooh! Here comes the first line of the show. Oh goodness! The redheaded one just said she "ralphed!" I have never heard a more humorous utterance in all my life!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh my. That was a doozy. Why, I haven't laughed that hard since the final line of the last episode! They get me every time. Every time! This show is so funny, I can't believe they couldn't find a live audience to actually laugh at it!

Whoa, there goes that sassy brunette emasculating one of her male companions! I think this calls for an especially loud bit of laughter with perhaps a guffaw thrown into the middle! Ha! Ha! HA! Ha! Ha! That was clearly the funniest moment so far!

Boy, there's nothing like a good laugh to release the tension after a long, hard day at work. We all could use some lighthearted entertainment, couldn't we? And you don't even have to really get the joke or see why it's funny—just sit back and follow my lead. Come on, loosen up a little! Oh, wait, here comes another one-liner...get ready for it, now...

Ha! Ha! HA!

Is this fun or what?! The writers of this show are visionaries in their field. Who ever could have thought up such a rambunctious exchange of good-natured ribbing as I have just witnessed? It is both perfectly timed and completely inoffensive! I find myself wishing I had similar friends who were as quick-witted and engagingly neurotic. Hold on—the tall lanky one is having a comically physical overreaction to a situation that hardly calls for it! That makes me want to laugh steadily for a full nine seconds, and then taper off so as not to drown out the next line of dialogue.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haha. Ha. Ha.

What will they think of next? I can't imagine them topping that last number. Nothing on Earth could make me laugh exactly that way again. Unless…oh my! That fellow's pants are too short for his body! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whistle! This is the perfect way to spend every Monday evening from 9:30 to 10 p.m.!

Oh goodness! It looks like the complex plan the men have concocted to get women to sleep with them has gone hilariously awry! What a surprising turn of events! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [APPLAUSE.]

That last joke was so sidesplitting, it almost makes me wish some anonymous technician in a postproduction bay somewhere would make me louder, so I could laugh at it even harder than I already am—oh look, one did! HA! HA! HA! Thanks, sound man! I'm so glad we could all share in this laughter together.

Oh, what a good-timey, comical family situation! Aren't we all just having a blast? Why, I could watch this show all day long without ever losing my enthusiasm for clever catchphrases, pratfalls, crazy mix-'em-ups, and numerous scenes in which a man has a conversation with a woman and his friends stand behind the woman making wild hand gestures to convey to the man when he has said something he shouldn't be saying.

Uh–oh! What do we have here? A particularly colorful recurring character I recognize has entered the room! I must mark this occasion with riotous applause and perhaps a whistle. Whoo! [APPLAUSE.] Whoo! Whoo! Oh, that Barney. Chasing after some woman again, no doubt! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Just thinking of what he might do when a woman enters the room is enough to launch me into a fit of snickering, knowing laughter. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Now I will remain perfectly silent to take in the two or so minutes of dramatic plot development. During times like these, I like to reflect on some of my favorite moments from past shows, like the time the redheaded one said "ralphed." Hold on, I believe someone just broke the tension with an inopportune comment, which is even more hilarious when juxtaposed with the gravity of the situation. HA! Ha! HA! HA!

Wow! That was a big one! I simply adore How I Met Your Mother, and hope everyone will use my regularly scheduled outbursts of laughter as cues for punch lines so that even the most jaded and passive of viewers will be able to laugh at the correct moments! My, what a glorious medium television has turned out to be!

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