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Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman

SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance...

How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics

In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices.

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.
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Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks

Look, I know I'm the best, and no one in the terror-combat community has ever questioned my bravery. Not in 25 proud years of service. I'm a legend around here.

But, honestly, dangling one-handed from the leg of a helicopter is not as easy as you'd think.

Clearly, I'm at a terrific physical disadvantage. The terrorists in this chopper are heavily armed, and I accidentally dropped my gun about 25 miles ago. Furthermore, all I'm wearing is this stylish but tight-fitting suit, which was, in retrospect, not the best choice of apparel. With both arms stretched up over my head like this, it's really bunching up around the shoulders, cutting off my circulation, and constricting my neck rather uncomfortably, making it difficult to breathe. A flexible windbreaker would have been much more practical. Oh well, maybe next time.

No. There shouldn't be a next time. I need to start putting more thought into such life-or-death decisions. You'd think I'd have learned from the last eight times I found myself in this situation. Only two weeks ago, I grabbed onto an elevator cord to zoom up the empty shaft, just above a rising plume of fire. Sure, I escaped the blaze, but I almost got demoted for reckless behavior. Plus, the blisters were just unbelievable. Actually, they still haven't gone away, which is certainly not making my present predicament any easier to cope with.

I'm telling you, these helicopter legs were not built to hang from.

There's this coating on them that makes the surface very slippery. Some sort of polymer—perhaps a varnish of some kind? It's hard to tell from this angle, but whatever it is, it certainly wasn't applied with the people who might be holding on for dear life in mind.

Boy, I did not think this through.

Still, I've got to stop the terrorists! I guess the obvious move here would be to hoist myself up and break into the cockpit. But even if I were able to maintain my grip in the freezing-cold air while this helicopter flies at speeds exceeding 150 mph, the terrorists probably had the good sense to lock the doors before they took off. In fact, I bet helicopter doors auto-lock so people don't fall out and end up hanging onto the legs—which, as I've already pointed out, is fairly difficult.

No two ways about it: Helicopters were designed to be ridden inside the cockpit.

Realistically, what am I going to do to get myself out of this mess? Wait for one of the terrorists to hear a noise and come out here to check, at which point I'll have to somehow catapult him over me and out the door while flinging myself into the hold? I don't even know if that's possible. And, once inside, I'll just have a whole group of angry, machine gun–wielding terrorists hellbent on destroying America to deal with.

Good God, what was I thinking?

Assuming I can get to the pilot—which, given the incredible fatigue I'm already experiencing, coupled with the virtual uselessness of my now-frozen limbs, is a long shot at best—how will I fly the helicopter to safety?

This all seemed like a great idea in the heat of the moment, but now I'm beginning to think my actions were a bit hasty.  I don't even know these people, and what I do know about them isn't good. They certainly are not flying very safely. Hell, I'm not even sure they're licensed to operate an aircraft in the state of California.

Even though I have promised myself dozens of times to stop, take a deep breath, and figure out the safest, most sensible way to combat terrorists before leaping headlong into an impossibly one-sided scenario, here I am, flopping around like a rag doll from the bottom of a helicopter. Again. I'm hopeless.

Come on, get it together, man! You've swung between two buildings on hastily constructed zip lines and escaped from dingy basement torture rooms way worse than this before. You're an American hero, Special Agent Pat Carter! You're invincible!

Oh, Christ, we're headed right for that construction site, just as the helicopter seems to be running out of gas.

I seriously hope the backup units I somehow managed to call beforehand and outline this entire hypothetical scenario to are waiting with the proper paperwork to book these criminals when we all jump out at the last minute and tumble to the ground safely on that huge landfill just ahead. Only then will this foolish stunt have been worth the hassle.

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