Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart!

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Vol 40 Issue 40

Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot

GREEN BAY, WI—David Horsted, 45, announced Monday that he's seen a whole heck of a lot during his 20 years driving a taxi. "Aw, geez, the people I've met and the places I've seen—the stories would make your head spin," Horsted said. "I've been from Lambeau Field to the Barhausen Waterfowl Preserve and every place in between. One time, one of the Packers even threw up in my cab, but I don't think I should say who." With a little prodding, Horsted said the person's first name rhymes with "baloney" and last name with "sandwich."

Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. "The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway," Bergman said. "Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it." Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put "haste makes waste" in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale.

91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

TEMPE, AZ—Lillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. "This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friends—and even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War," Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. "Lily is a real survivor." Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her "great endurance."

Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautĂ©ed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find

BOSTON—According to a report released by the Institute for Advanced Media Studies, good porn remains hard to find. "Though it's true that there is 350 percent more pornographic material on the market than there was five years ago, quality porn is as difficult to find as ever," Dr. Jeffrey Conchlin said. "Sometimes, you can find a DVD with hot chicks who seem to be enjoying themselves, but usually, they've got big fake tits, the sex is either boring or way too gross, and the setting is totally depressing. This trend is discouraging." Dr. Conchlin added that porn filmmakers are at least a decade away from seamlessly combining good storytelling with hot DP.

Debate Rules

As President Bush and U.S. Sen. John Kerry square of in the debates, they are following a set of detailed guidelines. What are some of the rules?

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C.
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Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart!

Hi, Alex, sweetheart! It's me, Chel! I hope you don't think writing this column is too much, but I just really, really wanted to wish you a happy one-week anniversary!

I know I said this already, but I want to thank you again for the wonderful dinner last Wednesday, and for our coffee date at Starbucks three days later, and for the four lovely phone conversations, including the one last night. I can't wait to see you tonight! I'm serious!

Did you get the card yesterday? Calligraphy's a hobby of mine. Making a card is so much more personal than buying one. When you buy a card at a store, you're buying someone else's words. The author doesn't know you or your situation. Why settle for that? Well, the poem inside isn't mine; it's by Sara Teasdale. I wish I could write that well! Anyway, I had the card shipped overnight express to your office, so I hope you didn't confuse it with work mail!

Alex, our one-week relationship has been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever known. I really mean that. I care about you more than you will ever know, and I truly can no longer see myself finding happiness with any other man. I know it may be unwise to tell you how I really feel so early in our relationship. Normally, people keep this sort of thing bottled up inside for a week and a half, possibly two weeks into the romance. But I just can't help myself. I'm in love.

Honey, our one-week anniversary dinner is going to be so special. I was keeping it a secret, but I gotta spill the beans now: We're spending it at The Switch House! Remember? Where we had our first date! We'll have those burgers again, and you can play Johnny Cash on the jukebox. Remember how excited you were that they had Johnny Cash? That made me so happy, because I had suggested The Switch House without even knowing you love Johnny Cash. See what I mean? Meant to be.

And, if there's time, maybe we can go paddle-boating, just for old time's sake. That was such a great idea! I never would've thought of it. I hope I was a good paddler. I still regret acting all girly about getting wet when we pulled the boat ashore. I was afraid I had ruined my shoes, but they were fine after they completely dried out yesterday. I promise you: This time, I'll be on my best behavior. You make me want to be a better person! I might even wear those shoes again. I still have them!

Of all the things from that first date, the thing I treasure most is our wonderful conversation. If I could relive only one part of that magical night forever, it would be our talk. It was so nice to have such an open conversation. Do you know what I mean? I felt like I was expressing myself for real, not just saying what I thought you wanted me to say, or overdoing it in an effort to impress you. I mean, you were so cool when I asked if I could see you again. I didn't feel like I was pushing myself on you, and you didn't react like I was.

Did you feel it as much as I did, Alex? I mean, you said you did when we talked about it last night, but really, did you? Or were you just saying that to be nice? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to second-guess you. It's just that I'm not used to a relationship going so well. I'm usually a reserved person, but this is different. This is special. You really awakened something in me. You make me feel so alive! But you know that. I had it inscribed on the giant chocolate-chip cookie I had delivered to your office the morning after our first date. (That was me! You're welcome!)

Naturally, our relationship has had its ups and downs. During our coffee date, we had that disagreement about which local paper carried Hagar The Horrible. You said the Express carried it, and I said you were confusing the Express with the Morning Leader. Well, I was pretty insistent about it, and I could tell you were getting annoyed. I checked, and it turns out I was right, but I take no satisfaction in that. Alex, sweetheart, let's never argue about something so unimportant again. It's not worth the pain.

I suppose I should save what I'm about to say for tonight, but I can't. Alex, I will do what it takes to make this relationship work. Believe me, I haven't had this feeling ever before, not with any of the men I've gone out with. My last relationship ended with a broken engagement and bitter tears. I wasted three weeks of my life, largely because of my own selfish behavior. Well, I don't want to squander another chance at happiness. I'm willing to invest the time it takes to make this relationship work.

And, while I believe in pacing ourselves, let's not inhibit ourselves with boundaries, either. Let's go to the next level. Alex, I sincerely hope that at this time next week, you are accompanying me to our second-week anniversary. I propose Starbucks.

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