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Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers.

Well, I'm sure glad this war is over. I hate to think that more lives were going to be lost more blood was going to be shed over in that country over there. It's like the great poet Edwin Frost said: "War, war is stupid." Good God, y'all, indeed.

Item! America and the world sheds a tear over the loss of one of our true national treasures, Mr. Mel Torme. Known as "The Velvet Frog" because of his thick and dreamy singing style, Mr. Torme left the world a few weeks ago at age 76. Now, I'm no conspiracy buff, but didn't Frank Sinatra just die within the last year? Could someone be striking us where we are most vulnerable: our singers? I'd like to believe that not even our worst enemies could come up with a plan this evil, but the back-to-back passings seem like too much to be mere coincidence.

If I had my way, those politicians would have to take a lie-detector test just to get on the ballot!

Yeah, baby! Austin Powers is back! And who's that dishy blonde by his side this time? That's none other than Heather Gramm. "Who?" you may be asking yourself, and I don't blame you. You may not recognize Ms. Gramm now, but keep your eye on her. There's going to be big things in that woman's future. Big things! And what about the movie? As if you have to ask! Oh, behave! I saw it this weekend, and it's another comedy legend! Mike Meyer has done it again!

In the little-known factoid department, did you know that Mike Meyer is heir to the Oscar Meyer hot-dog and lunch-meat empire? And that when it comes time for him to take over the reins, he'll give up acting? It's true!

Speaking of Saturday Night Live heavies, what's become of Dan Ayckroyd? Last I saw him, he was either Driving Miss Daisy or dishing up big laughs in My Stepmother Is An Alien. I wonder what he's doing now. If he's at all like me, he's probably either sipping a banana daiquiri on a beach somewhere or wishing he were sipping a banana daiquiri on a beach somewhere. I love those banana daiquiris!

Item! Well, it's out, and my reaction is... "I love it!" I'm talking, of course, about the movie of the decade, Star Wars: Episode One—The Shadow Knows. And what was not to love? Action! A hint of future romance! And the subtle comic stylings of Mr. Jar Jar Binks! I don't want to give anything away, but let me just say that I was very glad when that evil Darth Mall was killed in the climactic light-saber battle. And the dramatic sparks between Jake Lloyd and Annabeth Gish was something to behold. I look forward to seeing their chemistry sizzle again. Well, I mean sizzle in a clean, PG-rated, Star Wars sort of way.

Does anyone know someone who actually reads People for anything but the pictures? I sure don't!

Item! Something steamy this way comes, and its name is The Eyes Have It. I don't know much about this movie, but from what everyone is saying, it should provide an eyeful of sexy actress Nicole Kidman and mega-hubby Tom Cruise. I know it won't be for everybody (maybe not even me!), but those of you who want a little insight into what really goes on in a celebrity boudoir should check out this film, pronto.

You know what I haven't had in a long time? A good old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. One of those would really hit the spot right about now.

Time is running out for you to enter the Win A Date With Jackie Harvey! contest. I'd like to thank both of you who entered and want to let everyone else know that there's still a week or so left. You'll have to do pretty well to beat the entries I've gotten, but we'll see. Good luck!

For now, I must once more bid you adieu. There's that French again! Okay, I've got to come clean. I've been taking a French course at the local community college. As I always say, you're never too old to broaden your horizons! I hope my column has broadened yours a bit, as well. Remember: It may seen like a fantasy land, but it's not out of reach. In fact, it's as close as the nearest magazine, movie or TV show. I'm talking, of course, about Hollywood. Maybe some day we'll meet there.

But until then, my faithful Harveyheads, I'll see you in the Outside Scoop!

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