Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

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Vol 35 Issue 24

Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of royal-blue Dupont Stainmaster II plush carpeting at the regular price of $7.99 a square yard Monday. "I was driving past my local Carpetworld and noticed that, for some strange reason, there were no sale signs in the window," said Blake, who arrived at the store 10 hours after the Sizzling Spring Sellout Sale ended and 14 hours before the Everything's 30 Percent Off Carpet Clearance Blowout Bonanza was scheduled to begin. "That made me extremely curious, so I went in to check it out." Encouraged by the success of the Blake transaction, Carpetworld is planning a week-long "Regular Daze" non-sale event, featuring added costs for carpet pad and installation, as well as nothing of interest for the kids.

Area Man Dead Of Fries

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham.

Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the upcoming Paramount film My Three Sons. "Robin was ad-libbing brilliantly when, all of a sudden, he lost control and began doing impressions of everything in sight," My Three Sons director Donald Petrie said. "By the time we summoned his handlers, he'd left the studio lot altogether." Security guards reported seeing Williams extemporize wildly off studio property, riffing eastward down Melrose Avenue before disappearing from sight. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Ro-bot Monster

As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in my favorite white linen suit, sipping a mint julep and telling my grand-children of my wondrous exploits as the editor-in-chief of The Onion news-paper.

Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit.

IDing Teens At The Movies

Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets for R-rated movies. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers.

Well, I'm sure glad this war is over. I hate to think that more lives were going to be lost more blood was going to be shed over in that country over there. It's like the great poet Edwin Frost said: "War, war is stupid." Good God, y'all, indeed.

Item! America and the world sheds a tear over the loss of one of our true national treasures, Mr. Mel Torme. Known as "The Velvet Frog" because of his thick and dreamy singing style, Mr. Torme left the world a few weeks ago at age 76. Now, I'm no conspiracy buff, but didn't Frank Sinatra just die within the last year? Could someone be striking us where we are most vulnerable: our singers? I'd like to believe that not even our worst enemies could come up with a plan this evil, but the back-to-back passings seem like too much to be mere coincidence.

If I had my way, those politicians would have to take a lie-detector test just to get on the ballot!

Yeah, baby! Austin Powers is back! And who's that dishy blonde by his side this time? That's none other than Heather Gramm. "Who?" you may be asking yourself, and I don't blame you. You may not recognize Ms. Gramm now, but keep your eye on her. There's going to be big things in that woman's future. Big things! And what about the movie? As if you have to ask! Oh, behave! I saw it this weekend, and it's another comedy legend! Mike Meyer has done it again!

In the little-known factoid department, did you know that Mike Meyer is heir to the Oscar Meyer hot-dog and lunch-meat empire? And that when it comes time for him to take over the reins, he'll give up acting? It's true!

Speaking of Saturday Night Live heavies, what's become of Dan Ayckroyd? Last I saw him, he was either Driving Miss Daisy or dishing up big laughs in My Stepmother Is An Alien. I wonder what he's doing now. If he's at all like me, he's probably either sipping a banana daiquiri on a beach somewhere or wishing he were sipping a banana daiquiri on a beach somewhere. I love those banana daiquiris!

Item! Well, it's out, and my reaction is... "I love it!" I'm talking, of course, about the movie of the decade, Star Wars: Episode One—The Shadow Knows. And what was not to love? Action! A hint of future romance! And the subtle comic stylings of Mr. Jar Jar Binks! I don't want to give anything away, but let me just say that I was very glad when that evil Darth Mall was killed in the climactic light-saber battle. And the dramatic sparks between Jake Lloyd and Annabeth Gish was something to behold. I look forward to seeing their chemistry sizzle again. Well, I mean sizzle in a clean, PG-rated, Star Wars sort of way.

Does anyone know someone who actually reads People for anything but the pictures? I sure don't!

Item! Something steamy this way comes, and its name is The Eyes Have It. I don't know much about this movie, but from what everyone is saying, it should provide an eyeful of sexy actress Nicole Kidman and mega-hubby Tom Cruise. I know it won't be for everybody (maybe not even me!), but those of you who want a little insight into what really goes on in a celebrity boudoir should check out this film, pronto.

You know what I haven't had in a long time? A good old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. One of those would really hit the spot right about now.

Time is running out for you to enter the Win A Date With Jackie Harvey! contest. I'd like to thank both of you who entered and want to let everyone else know that there's still a week or so left. You'll have to do pretty well to beat the entries I've gotten, but we'll see. Good luck!

For now, I must once more bid you adieu. There's that French again! Okay, I've got to come clean. I've been taking a French course at the local community college. As I always say, you're never too old to broaden your horizons! I hope my column has broadened yours a bit, as well. Remember: It may seen like a fantasy land, but it's not out of reach. In fact, it's as close as the nearest magazine, movie or TV show. I'm talking, of course, about Hollywood. Maybe some day we'll meet there.

But until then, my faithful Harveyheads, I'll see you in the Outside Scoop!

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