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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug?

Item! Beware of Matrixmania! Matrix 2: Back To The Matrix is coming out soon, and that means the ladies of the world will once again be drooling over hunky Lawrence "Black Morpheus" Fishburn. But while drooling is guaranteed, many questions remain unanswered: Can the sequel top the original? Did Elron really die in the first one, or will he be back? Will there be more sparks between Neon and Brittany? Tune in here for all the latest cyber-poop.

Well, it looks like all of our support for the troops worked. We overthrew Saddam. I was overjoyed when I saw the footage of American soldiers draping Old Glory over the Saddam statue. The Iraqis really seemed to love it. It's so great that they're not poor or oppressed anymore. Good job, everyone!

Spring is here in a big way! The snow is gone, the flowers are blooming, and the birds have returned. That only means one thing is on my mind: baseball! There's nothing I like better than seeing those athletes step up to the plate, bat in hand, and swat a few balls deep into the outfield. Ah, the thrill of raw competition: Two teams enter, one team leaves. That's why it's the great American pastime.

I know they say SARS isn't a threat here, but just to be safe, I'm staying away from Panda Wok down at the mall food court.

Item! Catherine Zeta-Douglas and Mike Douglas have been the busiest dream couple in all of show business. What? Even busier than Ben and J. Lo? Absolutely! First, there was Catherine's Oscar win. And Mike had his family reunion on film, with his mom, dad Kirk, and son Kirk Cameron all in one movie. Now, there's a powerhouse movie that should blow the roof off theaters. Mike and Cathy also won a lawsuit in England, which isn't as hard as winning one here, but it is still commendable. And, to top it all off, Catherine is in an MCI commercial! Congratulations! Hey, lovebirds, take it from Jackie–don't forget to take time to smell the roses.

I'm pretty psyched to see Daddy Daycare, but Eddie Murphy has got a lot to make up for after The Adventures Of Pluto Nash. I didn't see it, but did you check out that box office? That thing sank faster than a sponge tugboat!

The King may be gone, but he left a rock 'n' roll queen behind! Lisa Marie Pressly is letting it all hang out, musicwise. Since I've always been a fan of Elvis, I picked up his daughter's new album, To Whom It May Concern, the day it came out. Was it worth waiting in line for three hours before the store opened? You'd better believe it! I was the only one there, but that still counts as a line. Anyway, the former Mrs. Jackson and the former Mrs. Cage gets it together and works it the way only she can. The result? Music magic–and you can take that all the way to the song bank.

I need a new car. My old one works okay, but I want something that reflects my personality better. Maybe a Solara?

Item! America's sweetheart Monica Lewinski is back, and she's got a brand-new dress (if you know what I mean)! She's the host of a new reality series called Personality Man. One lady chooses a mate from 20 men wearing masks. That way, she has to get to know the real person, not just the face. I should be on that show, because I have loads of personality. Not that I'm too hard on the eyes, but it's good to have an ace in the hole.

Buttery Scotsman Colin Feral sure does seem to be handy with the ladies. Every night, he's reported gallivanting around town with a different sexy starlet. Where was this guy last year, when we needed him to take our minds off all our problems?

Item! The Dixie Chicks, no strangers to controversy, did the unthinkable recently by appearing nude on the cover of Entertainment Tonight. Now, before you get all up in arms (and legs!), rest assured it's done pretty tastefully. They have tattooed some of the words that their critics have hurled their way and, believe me, some of them must have stung. Country music hasn't seen this much controversy since Charley Pride questioned President Ford's China policy!

Speaking of statements, have the funnies always been so political? There's a new strip called The Boondocks that makes Doonesbury look like Broom Hilda. Give me the old days, when it was just overweight cats and cavemen who talked about Jesus.

Same as always, this is the time when Jackie Harvey has to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes, so instead, I'll just say "Adieu," which is French for both goodbye and hello. Just to keep you coming back, I'll wet your whistle with a tidbit you can expect next time: What Oscar-winning superhero was caught buying her leggings off the rack at T.J. Maxx? (She'll kick up a "Storm" when she finds out I'm telling!) Until then, I'll be waiting for you... on the outside!

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