adBlockCheck

Have You Seen My Indentured Servant?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Have You Seen My Indentured Servant?

Have you seen my indentured servant? He answers to the name of Paddy and has been missing from the grounds since wash day. He's about 12 hands tall, is wearing a pair of soiled knee breeches, and is missing most of his teeth. The little ingrate, I'll personally whip him into jelly when he's brought back. Half a sovereign to the man who finds and returns my Paddy!

I figure he won't get too far in the leg irons, but you never know with these indentured servants. He might have gotten some village smithy to pity him and strike off his chains. Paddy can be clever and quick-witted enough when presented with an opportunity to shirk the duties set forth in his indentures, but otherwise he's as weak-minded as a fish. Why, my manservant Standish tells me that shortly before he ran away, Paddy tipped over a wheelbarrow full of dung and broke the milch-jug.

I purchased Paddy from an itinerant family of Irish tenant farmers who were all too willing to give up their son after their landlord evicted them. I suppose he reminded me of myself as a plucky young lad, swift as a colt and full of silly daydreams, though my pedigree is not sullied by the indolent Irish blood.

But despite my benevolent intentions, Paddy was always filled with a latent hostility toward me from the very moment he was unpacked from the crate.

You uncultured rubes probably think that having a vast army of servants slavishly waiting on you hand and foot is some great luxury. Well, nothing could be further from the truth! Many sleepless nights I have spent counting the silver and strip-searching the help, fearing that my enormous fortune was being slowly siphoned off by those in my employ.

Standish has just informed me that Paddy has been found! He was treed by bloodhounds in the swamp on the outskirts of my holdings. Glory be! Standish, oil the horsewhip! I intend to make an example of Paddy to the others.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close