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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Have You Seen My Indentured Servant?

Have you seen my indentured servant? He answers to the name of Paddy and has been missing from the grounds since wash day. He's about 12 hands tall, is wearing a pair of soiled knee breeches, and is missing most of his teeth. The little ingrate, I'll personally whip him into jelly when he's brought back. Half a sovereign to the man who finds and returns my Paddy!

I figure he won't get too far in the leg irons, but you never know with these indentured servants. He might have gotten some village smithy to pity him and strike off his chains. Paddy can be clever and quick-witted enough when presented with an opportunity to shirk the duties set forth in his indentures, but otherwise he's as weak-minded as a fish. Why, my manservant Standish tells me that shortly before he ran away, Paddy tipped over a wheelbarrow full of dung and broke the milch-jug.

I purchased Paddy from an itinerant family of Irish tenant farmers who were all too willing to give up their son after their landlord evicted them. I suppose he reminded me of myself as a plucky young lad, swift as a colt and full of silly daydreams, though my pedigree is not sullied by the indolent Irish blood.

But despite my benevolent intentions, Paddy was always filled with a latent hostility toward me from the very moment he was unpacked from the crate.

You uncultured rubes probably think that having a vast army of servants slavishly waiting on you hand and foot is some great luxury. Well, nothing could be further from the truth! Many sleepless nights I have spent counting the silver and strip-searching the help, fearing that my enormous fortune was being slowly siphoned off by those in my employ.

Standish has just informed me that Paddy has been found! He was treed by bloodhounds in the swamp on the outskirts of my holdings. Glory be! Standish, oil the horsewhip! I intend to make an example of Paddy to the others.

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