Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.

What else is there, besides cracking people's goddamn heads in? Not much: the march of days, seasons, dreams, love and lies. Sex, anxiety, getting by. Food, albums, murmurs and moods. Memories and plans, sidewalks and fruitstands.

And that's all fine, but like it says on my bumper sticker—and T-shirt and customized baseball cap and kitchen table (carved with a key) and bedsheet (scrawled with a Magnum marker): "I'd rather be cracking your bastard-ass head in."

Take it personally. I'm talking about everyone, including you. I'm very democratic. That's one of the things I like about me, besides that "thing" I have about cracking people's heads in.

This one guy whose head I wanted to crack in said to me, "Isn't what you really want to do is to bash people's heads in? How can you crack someone's head in?" Shit, man, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about! Bash, crack, smash, whichever! Those are just words, and words are of no interest to me. What is of interest to me is cracking in the fucking, bitch-testicle, fucking head of every damn living thing on this planet that has a goddamn head! That's what I mean! That is very interesting to me!

Everyone I see practically says to me, "Please crack my head in for my own sake." They don't say it in those words, no. They say it in other ways, like in the way they dress, but I hear them. And I heed their cries. I'd be a bastard if I didn't!

Story of my life:

Mom: Oh, Johan, you look so cute in your suspenders!

Mom's head: Crack!

Dad: Johan, life isn't always going to be easy.

Dad's head: Crack!

Me: Maybe you shouldn't go around cracking people's heads in all the time.

My head: Crack!

Cracking heads in is the only image I can, or will ever, comprehend. It is the single action which resonates sensibly within the rhythm of this world. Hopes are dashed! Heads are cracked! People forget! Of course you don't understand! Which is why your head needs to be cracked in! You do understand? Are you among the kindred? Then your head needs to be cracked in even harder, friend.