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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.

What else is there, besides cracking people's goddamn heads in? Not much: the march of days, seasons, dreams, love and lies. Sex, anxiety, getting by. Food, albums, murmurs and moods. Memories and plans, sidewalks and fruitstands.

And that's all fine, but like it says on my bumper sticker—and T-shirt and customized baseball cap and kitchen table (carved with a key) and bedsheet (scrawled with a Magnum marker): "I'd rather be cracking your bastard-ass head in."

Take it personally. I'm talking about everyone, including you. I'm very democratic. That's one of the things I like about me, besides that "thing" I have about cracking people's heads in.

This one guy whose head I wanted to crack in said to me, "Isn't what you really want to do is to bash people's heads in? How can you crack someone's head in?" Shit, man, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about! Bash, crack, smash, whichever! Those are just words, and words are of no interest to me. What is of interest to me is cracking in the fucking, bitch-testicle, fucking head of every damn living thing on this planet that has a goddamn head! That's what I mean! That is very interesting to me!

Everyone I see practically says to me, "Please crack my head in for my own sake." They don't say it in those words, no. They say it in other ways, like in the way they dress, but I hear them. And I heed their cries. I'd be a bastard if I didn't!

Story of my life:

Mom: Oh, Johan, you look so cute in your suspenders!

Mom's head: Crack!

Dad: Johan, life isn't always going to be easy.

Dad's head: Crack!

Me: Maybe you shouldn't go around cracking people's heads in all the time.

My head: Crack!

Cracking heads in is the only image I can, or will ever, comprehend. It is the single action which resonates sensibly within the rhythm of this world. Hopes are dashed! Heads are cracked! People forget! Of course you don't understand! Which is why your head needs to be cracked in! You do understand? Are you among the kindred? Then your head needs to be cracked in even harder, friend.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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