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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ?

Hello, sorry to bother you, but I was hoping I could borrow just a minute of your time. You see, lately I’ve been thinking about whether there’s something more to life, something I’ve been missing. There are even times when I feel like I’ve lost my way and may never find it again. So while I really don’t want to intrude, I was wondering if you might have a moment to tell me about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It won’t take long.

Would you mind coming in and sitting down? Just to speak with me for a little bit? If now’s not a good time, don’t worry. You can come back. Do you have a pamphlet or something? It would be great to have some information about how God is always there for me. Though I suppose it isn’t possible that God could be there for me all the time, is it?

Anyhow, if you have some literature—even a whole book—maybe you could leave it with me so that I can look it over, and then you could stop by and talk to me about it later, whenever it’s convenient for you. Better yet, is there a place in my community I could visit to find out more about the sacrifice Jesus made for me? I’d be interested in learning about something like that.

Also, I haven’t heard the good news, but I certainly would like to.

While I’m sure you can’t stay long, I just wanted to say that somewhere deep inside, a part of me believes that, hey, maybe God has a wonderful plan for my life. Do you think He has great things in store for me? And is there really a heaven awaiting us after this life? I’d enjoy hearing more about your faith, particularly if you have any thoughts about God’s love, and whether it’s everlasting and pure. It might be, it might not be, I haven’t a clue. Would you let me know?

I mean, if I were to die today, where would I spend eternity? I have no idea.

Also, and I know you have places to go and things to do so I’ll try not to take up too much more of your time here, but would you have just a couple more minutes to explain to me how prayer works? I know it can’t be as easy as simply sitting down and starting a conversation with God. And maybe it’s a moot point in my case—after all, why would He want anything to do with someone as flawed and sinful as me?

If you’re comfortable discussing it, would you mind telling me whether you understand where I’m coming from, or have ever felt the way I do? In fact, it might be helpful if you told me a brief anecdote about a time when you personally doubted God’s love but then saw the light. Assuming you have such an anecdote, of course. Did you ever doubt if He was real? Maybe you turned to alcohol and drugs. If so, I’d love for you to talk to me about that.

Especially if there was a point in your life at which you hit rock bottom before turning things around.

Anyway, I understand you’re very busy, but take some time to think it over, and whenever you’re ready to give me a few minutes of your time, I’ll be here, waiting to talk about my salvation.

Here, leave me a card I can reach you at.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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