adBlockCheck

Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ?

Hello, sorry to bother you, but I was hoping I could borrow just a minute of your time. You see, lately I’ve been thinking about whether there’s something more to life, something I’ve been missing. There are even times when I feel like I’ve lost my way and may never find it again. So while I really don’t want to intrude, I was wondering if you might have a moment to tell me about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It won’t take long.

Would you mind coming in and sitting down? Just to speak with me for a little bit? If now’s not a good time, don’t worry. You can come back. Do you have a pamphlet or something? It would be great to have some information about how God is always there for me. Though I suppose it isn’t possible that God could be there for me all the time, is it?

Anyhow, if you have some literature—even a whole book—maybe you could leave it with me so that I can look it over, and then you could stop by and talk to me about it later, whenever it’s convenient for you. Better yet, is there a place in my community I could visit to find out more about the sacrifice Jesus made for me? I’d be interested in learning about something like that.

Also, I haven’t heard the good news, but I certainly would like to.

While I’m sure you can’t stay long, I just wanted to say that somewhere deep inside, a part of me believes that, hey, maybe God has a wonderful plan for my life. Do you think He has great things in store for me? And is there really a heaven awaiting us after this life? I’d enjoy hearing more about your faith, particularly if you have any thoughts about God’s love, and whether it’s everlasting and pure. It might be, it might not be, I haven’t a clue. Would you let me know?

I mean, if I were to die today, where would I spend eternity? I have no idea.

Also, and I know you have places to go and things to do so I’ll try not to take up too much more of your time here, but would you have just a couple more minutes to explain to me how prayer works? I know it can’t be as easy as simply sitting down and starting a conversation with God. And maybe it’s a moot point in my case—after all, why would He want anything to do with someone as flawed and sinful as me?

If you’re comfortable discussing it, would you mind telling me whether you understand where I’m coming from, or have ever felt the way I do? In fact, it might be helpful if you told me a brief anecdote about a time when you personally doubted God’s love but then saw the light. Assuming you have such an anecdote, of course. Did you ever doubt if He was real? Maybe you turned to alcohol and drugs. If so, I’d love for you to talk to me about that.

Especially if there was a point in your life at which you hit rock bottom before turning things around.

Anyway, I understand you’re very busy, but take some time to think it over, and whenever you’re ready to give me a few minutes of your time, I’ll be here, waiting to talk about my salvation.

Here, leave me a card I can reach you at.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close