Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

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Vol 31 Issue 18

Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis.

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as fast and twice as often as its educated. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, are badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. "We don't want to give too much away," said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, "but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that."

Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of the perfect little out-of-the-way place. "Verbal data collected from Mary Watkiss, a secretary in MIT's Physics Building, indicated the presence of a great new lunch cafe in the region of Fourth Street and Huron," said MIT team leader Dr. John Penrose. "Intrigued, we launched a probe into the structure. Within an hour, we received evidence of a $5.99 pasta primavera dish, a delicious caesar's salad with homemade bleu cheese dressing, and a light, flaky raspberry torte." In the wake of the discovery, a manned mission of 10 scientists will voyage to the cafe Wednesday to collect actual food samples and closely observe the eatery's stylish, relaxed interior, which feels more spacious than it is. In honor of the secretary who made the discovery, MIT has named the new eatery "Watkiss Alpha Prime," despite the insistence of the cafe's manager that the establishment is already named "Salads 'n' More."

Secretary Of Education Under Investigation For Falsifying Hall Passes

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) called for a special investigative panel to look into allegations that U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley forged hall passes for personal use. "Riley occupies the most powerful position in American education and has almost unlimited access to the nation's book of passes," D'Amato said. "We are determined to find out whether he has been faking signatures on hall passes to go to the bathroom and use the snack machines whenever he wants, maintaining the illusion of permission." If found guilty, Riley could face suspension and be called in, along with his parents, for a meeting with President Clinton.

Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in legwear-based fields have come to fear the worst.
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Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

Nurse, help! Help me! I am stuck at the top of a tree and cannot get down!

With the coming of the spring-time I yearned only to sit under my favorite chestnut tree for a spell. But as you may be aware, a court order has restricted me to my bed-chamber because of my tendency to make "trouble," as that bastard judge put it.

Imagine my joy, then, after I confided my simple desire to my loyal stable-boy Tom, who out of pity for his aged master devised a plan to get me outside.

The plan seemed simple enough. Every Tuesday is Wash-Day at the Zweibel Estate, and per a tradition begun by my grandfather, the master of the house inspects the soiled unmentionables of the servants before they are laundered.

This time, however, the laundry-cart Tom pushed into my bed-chamber was not a laundry-cart at all, but a wheel-chair artfully arranged with dirty undergarments. Tom removed the laundry, lifted me out of bed, strapped me into the wheel-chair, covered me with the filthy articles, and calmly wheeled me out of the room. The nurse didn't even raise an eyebrow, continuing to read from her silly ladies' romance gazette.

As Tom pushed me out into the court-yard and removed the undergarments, I felt sunlight on my withered face for the first time in 30 years. Tears streamed down the cracks in my cheeks as he triumphantly steered me to my favorite chestnut-tree.

Shortly, a dark shadow spread over us. Tom looked up, gasped and darted for the bushes. I barked angrily at him, disgusted at his apparent fear of a small cloud. Then I felt something grab hold of the back of my night-dress. Suddenly, I was lifted into the air, wheel-chair and all! It was my eagle, Caesar! Kept on my estate to swoop down on prowlers, he must have mistaken me for his breakfast. Miserable damn eagle!

Caesar bore me ever aloft, until I managed to shake off my catheter needle and plunge it into his belly. The winged bastard let out a horrid shriek and dropped me, and I plummeted 80 feet until my fall was broken by the branches of my favorite chestnut-tree, where I remain as of this writing.

Nurse, help me! Nurse!

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