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Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

Nurse, help! Help me! I am stuck at the top of a tree and cannot get down!

With the coming of the spring-time I yearned only to sit under my favorite chestnut tree for a spell. But as you may be aware, a court order has restricted me to my bed-chamber because of my tendency to make "trouble," as that bastard judge put it.

Imagine my joy, then, after I confided my simple desire to my loyal stable-boy Tom, who out of pity for his aged master devised a plan to get me outside.

The plan seemed simple enough. Every Tuesday is Wash-Day at the Zweibel Estate, and per a tradition begun by my grandfather, the master of the house inspects the soiled unmentionables of the servants before they are laundered.

This time, however, the laundry-cart Tom pushed into my bed-chamber was not a laundry-cart at all, but a wheel-chair artfully arranged with dirty undergarments. Tom removed the laundry, lifted me out of bed, strapped me into the wheel-chair, covered me with the filthy articles, and calmly wheeled me out of the room. The nurse didn't even raise an eyebrow, continuing to read from her silly ladies' romance gazette.

As Tom pushed me out into the court-yard and removed the undergarments, I felt sunlight on my withered face for the first time in 30 years. Tears streamed down the cracks in my cheeks as he triumphantly steered me to my favorite chestnut-tree.

Shortly, a dark shadow spread over us. Tom looked up, gasped and darted for the bushes. I barked angrily at him, disgusted at his apparent fear of a small cloud. Then I felt something grab hold of the back of my night-dress. Suddenly, I was lifted into the air, wheel-chair and all! It was my eagle, Caesar! Kept on my estate to swoop down on prowlers, he must have mistaken me for his breakfast. Miserable damn eagle!

Caesar bore me ever aloft, until I managed to shake off my catheter needle and plunge it into his belly. The winged bastard let out a horrid shriek and dropped me, and I plummeted 80 feet until my fall was broken by the branches of my favorite chestnut-tree, where I remain as of this writing.

Nurse, help me! Nurse!

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