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Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

Nurse, help! Help me! I am stuck at the top of a tree and cannot get down!

With the coming of the spring-time I yearned only to sit under my favorite chestnut tree for a spell. But as you may be aware, a court order has restricted me to my bed-chamber because of my tendency to make "trouble," as that bastard judge put it.

Imagine my joy, then, after I confided my simple desire to my loyal stable-boy Tom, who out of pity for his aged master devised a plan to get me outside.

The plan seemed simple enough. Every Tuesday is Wash-Day at the Zweibel Estate, and per a tradition begun by my grandfather, the master of the house inspects the soiled unmentionables of the servants before they are laundered.

This time, however, the laundry-cart Tom pushed into my bed-chamber was not a laundry-cart at all, but a wheel-chair artfully arranged with dirty undergarments. Tom removed the laundry, lifted me out of bed, strapped me into the wheel-chair, covered me with the filthy articles, and calmly wheeled me out of the room. The nurse didn't even raise an eyebrow, continuing to read from her silly ladies' romance gazette.

As Tom pushed me out into the court-yard and removed the undergarments, I felt sunlight on my withered face for the first time in 30 years. Tears streamed down the cracks in my cheeks as he triumphantly steered me to my favorite chestnut-tree.

Shortly, a dark shadow spread over us. Tom looked up, gasped and darted for the bushes. I barked angrily at him, disgusted at his apparent fear of a small cloud. Then I felt something grab hold of the back of my night-dress. Suddenly, I was lifted into the air, wheel-chair and all! It was my eagle, Caesar! Kept on my estate to swoop down on prowlers, he must have mistaken me for his breakfast. Miserable damn eagle!

Caesar bore me ever aloft, until I managed to shake off my catheter needle and plunge it into his belly. The winged bastard let out a horrid shriek and dropped me, and I plummeted 80 feet until my fall was broken by the branches of my favorite chestnut-tree, where I remain as of this writing.

Nurse, help me! Nurse!

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