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Here Are All Of My Opinions 

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Here Are All Of My Opinions 

I have 47 opinions. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Highway billboards, while effective advertising tools, can be distracting and dangerous.

2. Rich people should donate some percentage of every paycheck to charity.

3. Lottery tickets are a waste of time given the vastly remote odds of you winning. However, they can be fun as long as you're tempering your expectations and are going in with a group of good friends or coworkers.

4. Fuel-efficient vehicles are a worthy investment.

5. Gay people deserve the same rights as straight people.

6. Watching baseball on TV is boring but going to a baseball game is fun.

7. The Beatles are the greatest rock band of all time.

8. The Wire is the best TV show of all time.

9. I like when President Obama shows up to a basketball game in street clothes.

10. You should have some friends who have opinions different from your own, if only because seeing the world from a conflicting viewpoint will allow you to grow as a person.

11. Local news is boring.

12. Entertainment news is boring.

13. Romantic comedies are boring.

14. Fox News is bad.

15. Rotisserie chicken is better than fried chicken.

16. I like Nike. They make nice shoes.

17. Daniel Craig is a good James Bond. Better than Timothy Dalton–good and almost Sean Connery–good.

18. Picnics are fun every now and again but going three times in one month to the same park is just too much. Enough already!

19. Capital punishment is wrong.

20. Firearm sales should be more restricted, though I do understand the use of guns for hunting and self-defense purposes.

21. Burt's Bees makes the best chapstick.

22. The Chicago Bulls' 1995-1996 season was the most enjoyable season of all time no matter what the sport.

23. Delta Air Lines is the worst.

24. T-Mobile is the worst.

25. Dial soap is the worst.

26. Dodge is the worst.

27. Fracking is a crime against nature.

28. Big bridges, like the Golden Gate Bridge, are interesting.

29. Rorschach tests seem like an inaccurate method of analyzing a person's psyche.

30. Marriage seems like a big commitment.

31. Rachel McAdams, Anne Hathaway, Diane Sawyer, and Emma Stone are all very attractive women.

32. Oranges and bananas are the best fruits.

33. America needs to more closely examine its corporate tax laws, as big businesses exploit egregious loopholes that are in turn paid for by local businesses, as well as everyday middle- and lower-income citizens.

34. Salt and vinegar chips are better than regular potato chips.

35. Ukrainian people are scary.

36. I don't want a tattoo, but if you feel that strongly about an image, I suppose I can understand why you'd want to get one.

37. Karaoke can be fun as long as you avoid rap songs.

38. Abraham Lincoln was the best president, I guess.

39. Liquid laundry detergent is better than powdered laundry detergent. That's not even an opinion. It's a fact.

40. The Red Racer IPA is the best beer I've had, but you shouldn't be so much of a beer snob that you can't have a Bud Light every now and then.

41. WD-40 really needs a competitor.

42. Children should have more time to just be children.

43. If you're looking to purchase a beginner's motorcycle, I'd probably suggest you go with the 2011 Honda CBR250R. With its power coming mostly from a single-cylinder 249cc engine that is fuel-injected via a twin-beam Honda PGM-FI system, this bike's got an aggressive, yet mild, ride that shares a lot of the same styling cues as the more powerful Honda VFR1200F. Some people argue that the Kawasaki Ninja 250R will give you a bit more horsepower for the same amount of money, but personally, I've found the Honda's comfort, torque, and handling ultimately make it the superior bike. Overall, I'd recommend trying both out and seeing what's right for you, but I've got a feeling once you see this baby's blue backlit LCD instruments, stunning silver trim, and analog tachometer, you'll know you're getting the most bang for your buck.

44. Floor lamps are a really easy way to brighten up a place.

45. Robin Williams is funny and a good actor.

46. Women should have the right to choose.

47. New York City is better than Los Angeles.

Those were all of my opinions. Thank you for reading them.

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