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Here Are All Of My Opinions 

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Here Are All Of My Opinions 

I have 47 opinions. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Highway billboards, while effective advertising tools, can be distracting and dangerous.

2. Rich people should donate some percentage of every paycheck to charity.

3. Lottery tickets are a waste of time given the vastly remote odds of you winning. However, they can be fun as long as you're tempering your expectations and are going in with a group of good friends or coworkers.

4. Fuel-efficient vehicles are a worthy investment.

5. Gay people deserve the same rights as straight people.

6. Watching baseball on TV is boring but going to a baseball game is fun.

7. The Beatles are the greatest rock band of all time.

8. The Wire is the best TV show of all time.

9. I like when President Obama shows up to a basketball game in street clothes.

10. You should have some friends who have opinions different from your own, if only because seeing the world from a conflicting viewpoint will allow you to grow as a person.

11. Local news is boring.

12. Entertainment news is boring.

13. Romantic comedies are boring.

14. Fox News is bad.

15. Rotisserie chicken is better than fried chicken.

16. I like Nike. They make nice shoes.

17. Daniel Craig is a good James Bond. Better than Timothy Dalton–good and almost Sean Connery–good.

18. Picnics are fun every now and again but going three times in one month to the same park is just too much. Enough already!

19. Capital punishment is wrong.

20. Firearm sales should be more restricted, though I do understand the use of guns for hunting and self-defense purposes.

21. Burt's Bees makes the best chapstick.

22. The Chicago Bulls' 1995-1996 season was the most enjoyable season of all time no matter what the sport.

23. Delta Air Lines is the worst.

24. T-Mobile is the worst.

25. Dial soap is the worst.

26. Dodge is the worst.

27. Fracking is a crime against nature.

28. Big bridges, like the Golden Gate Bridge, are interesting.

29. Rorschach tests seem like an inaccurate method of analyzing a person's psyche.

30. Marriage seems like a big commitment.

31. Rachel McAdams, Anne Hathaway, Diane Sawyer, and Emma Stone are all very attractive women.

32. Oranges and bananas are the best fruits.

33. America needs to more closely examine its corporate tax laws, as big businesses exploit egregious loopholes that are in turn paid for by local businesses, as well as everyday middle- and lower-income citizens.

34. Salt and vinegar chips are better than regular potato chips.

35. Ukrainian people are scary.

36. I don't want a tattoo, but if you feel that strongly about an image, I suppose I can understand why you'd want to get one.

37. Karaoke can be fun as long as you avoid rap songs.

38. Abraham Lincoln was the best president, I guess.

39. Liquid laundry detergent is better than powdered laundry detergent. That's not even an opinion. It's a fact.

40. The Red Racer IPA is the best beer I've had, but you shouldn't be so much of a beer snob that you can't have a Bud Light every now and then.

41. WD-40 really needs a competitor.

42. Children should have more time to just be children.

43. If you're looking to purchase a beginner's motorcycle, I'd probably suggest you go with the 2011 Honda CBR250R. With its power coming mostly from a single-cylinder 249cc engine that is fuel-injected via a twin-beam Honda PGM-FI system, this bike's got an aggressive, yet mild, ride that shares a lot of the same styling cues as the more powerful Honda VFR1200F. Some people argue that the Kawasaki Ninja 250R will give you a bit more horsepower for the same amount of money, but personally, I've found the Honda's comfort, torque, and handling ultimately make it the superior bike. Overall, I'd recommend trying both out and seeing what's right for you, but I've got a feeling once you see this baby's blue backlit LCD instruments, stunning silver trim, and analog tachometer, you'll know you're getting the most bang for your buck.

44. Floor lamps are a really easy way to brighten up a place.

45. Robin Williams is funny and a good actor.

46. Women should have the right to choose.

47. New York City is better than Los Angeles.

Those were all of my opinions. Thank you for reading them.

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