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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.

Anyway, there's been some things coming out lately, movies and music and stuff, that I thought I should let you know about. Think of it as a public service by yours truly.

I didn't think it would ever happen, but there's not just one but two new Zeppelin CDs out. Actually, one's a video. The CD's called How The West Was Won, and it isn't just one CD, it's three. That's right: three CDs' worth of gettin' the Led out. And, get this, it's got a 25-minute live version of "Dazed And Confused." Whenever I listen to the original version or see it on The Song Remains The Same, I wish it wouldn't end. Now, it almost doesn't! I always hate it when I go through a whole album before my buzz wears off, but now there's so much Zep, I have to light up again midway through.

I got the video, too, but I haven't seen it yet because I don't have a DVD player. Ron's friend Rob's got one, but he just got a girlfriend, so he's too busy dipping his wick to have us over. Anyway, I've seen a bunch of other Zep videos, and if it's anything like those, it's awesome.

CD: . Video thing: .

I saw The Matrix Reloaded twice. The first time I saw it, I went with Wes. See, we saw the original Matrix together, and we were so psyched afterward that we promised to see the next one together. I had to wait almost two whole weeks after it opened until Wes was free to see it, which really chafed me, but it was worth the wait.

We got super-baked in the Loews Stadium 24 parking lot before we went in. This was one of those awesome new theaters where you get the big-ass seats and you can see from everywhere in the house. There were plenty of open seats, so we plopped down in the middle, where Wes says you get the best sound. Actually, after 10 minutes, I fell asleep. I was pretty wiped out from busting my ass all day, and the weed was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

Good thing Wes was there, 'cause he woke me up for all the fights. My favorite was the one in the park where that guy with the suit goes after Keanu, and then there's, like, a hundred of him. That rocked. And those twins fuckin' creeped me out. I saw it a couple days later on my own, when I was sure I wasn't going to fall asleep. I was just as baked, but it wasn't nearly as good. After the first half, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until five minutes before the end, so I missed the big car chase.

Matrix Reloaded if Wes is there to wake you up for the good parts: . Seeing it by yourself: .

I snuck into Daddy Day Care after the second time I saw The Matrix, but I got rousted by the usher after 15 minutes. Actually, I was kinda glad he did. That shit's not funny unless you like kids, and I sure the hell do not.

Daddy Day Care:

After hearing all about American Idol, I thought I should check it out. I mean, all the chicks at work were yapping about Ruben this and some-other-guy that. Since I love music, I figured I'd find something up my alley. Well, whatever they were doing on that show sure as hell wasn't music. The fat black guy just wailed about love and shit, and the skinny white guy did the same thing. The fat guy won, only they both sucked pretty much equally. Where's the guitars? Where's the drum solos? And does that British guy think he's funny? They should stick to the tried-and-true rule: "More rock, less talk."

I wasn't gonna rate it, but since they'll probably have another show in a few months, I give it:

I got Animal Crossing from Blockbuster. It's this game for GameCube (the best) where you have a town, and you gotta write letters to animals and pick weeds and run errands. What a pain in the ass! I already have to get a second job that pays. Why the hell do I want a third job that doesn't? And on a videogame, yet.

Animal Crossing:

Well, that's pretty much all I got for now, but you better believe I'm gonna give you the score on other stuff later. Like that fish movie. I definitely want to see that. Plus, there's some concerts I wouldn't mind checking out, like Ozzfest. I hate most of that nu-metal crap, but there's got to be something there I'd like.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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