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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.

Anyway, there's been some things coming out lately, movies and music and stuff, that I thought I should let you know about. Think of it as a public service by yours truly.

I didn't think it would ever happen, but there's not just one but two new Zeppelin CDs out. Actually, one's a video. The CD's called How The West Was Won, and it isn't just one CD, it's three. That's right: three CDs' worth of gettin' the Led out. And, get this, it's got a 25-minute live version of "Dazed And Confused." Whenever I listen to the original version or see it on The Song Remains The Same, I wish it wouldn't end. Now, it almost doesn't! I always hate it when I go through a whole album before my buzz wears off, but now there's so much Zep, I have to light up again midway through.

I got the video, too, but I haven't seen it yet because I don't have a DVD player. Ron's friend Rob's got one, but he just got a girlfriend, so he's too busy dipping his wick to have us over. Anyway, I've seen a bunch of other Zep videos, and if it's anything like those, it's awesome.

CD: . Video thing: .

I saw The Matrix Reloaded twice. The first time I saw it, I went with Wes. See, we saw the original Matrix together, and we were so psyched afterward that we promised to see the next one together. I had to wait almost two whole weeks after it opened until Wes was free to see it, which really chafed me, but it was worth the wait.

We got super-baked in the Loews Stadium 24 parking lot before we went in. This was one of those awesome new theaters where you get the big-ass seats and you can see from everywhere in the house. There were plenty of open seats, so we plopped down in the middle, where Wes says you get the best sound. Actually, after 10 minutes, I fell asleep. I was pretty wiped out from busting my ass all day, and the weed was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

Good thing Wes was there, 'cause he woke me up for all the fights. My favorite was the one in the park where that guy with the suit goes after Keanu, and then there's, like, a hundred of him. That rocked. And those twins fuckin' creeped me out. I saw it a couple days later on my own, when I was sure I wasn't going to fall asleep. I was just as baked, but it wasn't nearly as good. After the first half, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until five minutes before the end, so I missed the big car chase.

Matrix Reloaded if Wes is there to wake you up for the good parts: . Seeing it by yourself: .

I snuck into Daddy Day Care after the second time I saw The Matrix, but I got rousted by the usher after 15 minutes. Actually, I was kinda glad he did. That shit's not funny unless you like kids, and I sure the hell do not.

Daddy Day Care:

After hearing all about American Idol, I thought I should check it out. I mean, all the chicks at work were yapping about Ruben this and some-other-guy that. Since I love music, I figured I'd find something up my alley. Well, whatever they were doing on that show sure as hell wasn't music. The fat black guy just wailed about love and shit, and the skinny white guy did the same thing. The fat guy won, only they both sucked pretty much equally. Where's the guitars? Where's the drum solos? And does that British guy think he's funny? They should stick to the tried-and-true rule: "More rock, less talk."

I wasn't gonna rate it, but since they'll probably have another show in a few months, I give it:

I got Animal Crossing from Blockbuster. It's this game for GameCube (the best) where you have a town, and you gotta write letters to animals and pick weeds and run errands. What a pain in the ass! I already have to get a second job that pays. Why the hell do I want a third job that doesn't? And on a videogame, yet.

Animal Crossing:

Well, that's pretty much all I got for now, but you better believe I'm gonna give you the score on other stuff later. Like that fish movie. I definitely want to see that. Plus, there's some concerts I wouldn't mind checking out, like Ozzfest. I hate most of that nu-metal crap, but there's got to be something there I'd like.

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