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Vol 39 Issue 26

Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.

Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class

GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."

Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files

CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look–they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.

Summer Music Festivals

Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?

Is The Economy Turning Around?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?
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Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.

Anyway, there's been some things coming out lately, movies and music and stuff, that I thought I should let you know about. Think of it as a public service by yours truly.

I didn't think it would ever happen, but there's not just one but two new Zeppelin CDs out. Actually, one's a video. The CD's called How The West Was Won, and it isn't just one CD, it's three. That's right: three CDs' worth of gettin' the Led out. And, get this, it's got a 25-minute live version of "Dazed And Confused." Whenever I listen to the original version or see it on The Song Remains The Same, I wish it wouldn't end. Now, it almost doesn't! I always hate it when I go through a whole album before my buzz wears off, but now there's so much Zep, I have to light up again midway through.

I got the video, too, but I haven't seen it yet because I don't have a DVD player. Ron's friend Rob's got one, but he just got a girlfriend, so he's too busy dipping his wick to have us over. Anyway, I've seen a bunch of other Zep videos, and if it's anything like those, it's awesome.

CD: . Video thing: .

I saw The Matrix Reloaded twice. The first time I saw it, I went with Wes. See, we saw the original Matrix together, and we were so psyched afterward that we promised to see the next one together. I had to wait almost two whole weeks after it opened until Wes was free to see it, which really chafed me, but it was worth the wait.

We got super-baked in the Loews Stadium 24 parking lot before we went in. This was one of those awesome new theaters where you get the big-ass seats and you can see from everywhere in the house. There were plenty of open seats, so we plopped down in the middle, where Wes says you get the best sound. Actually, after 10 minutes, I fell asleep. I was pretty wiped out from busting my ass all day, and the weed was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

Good thing Wes was there, 'cause he woke me up for all the fights. My favorite was the one in the park where that guy with the suit goes after Keanu, and then there's, like, a hundred of him. That rocked. And those twins fuckin' creeped me out. I saw it a couple days later on my own, when I was sure I wasn't going to fall asleep. I was just as baked, but it wasn't nearly as good. After the first half, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until five minutes before the end, so I missed the big car chase.

Matrix Reloaded if Wes is there to wake you up for the good parts: . Seeing it by yourself: .

I snuck into Daddy Day Care after the second time I saw The Matrix, but I got rousted by the usher after 15 minutes. Actually, I was kinda glad he did. That shit's not funny unless you like kids, and I sure the hell do not.

Daddy Day Care:

After hearing all about American Idol, I thought I should check it out. I mean, all the chicks at work were yapping about Ruben this and some-other-guy that. Since I love music, I figured I'd find something up my alley. Well, whatever they were doing on that show sure as hell wasn't music. The fat black guy just wailed about love and shit, and the skinny white guy did the same thing. The fat guy won, only they both sucked pretty much equally. Where's the guitars? Where's the drum solos? And does that British guy think he's funny? They should stick to the tried-and-true rule: "More rock, less talk."

I wasn't gonna rate it, but since they'll probably have another show in a few months, I give it:

I got Animal Crossing from Blockbuster. It's this game for GameCube (the best) where you have a town, and you gotta write letters to animals and pick weeds and run errands. What a pain in the ass! I already have to get a second job that pays. Why the hell do I want a third job that doesn't? And on a videogame, yet.

Animal Crossing:

Well, that's pretty much all I got for now, but you better believe I'm gonna give you the score on other stuff later. Like that fish movie. I definitely want to see that. Plus, there's some concerts I wouldn't mind checking out, like Ozzfest. I hate most of that nu-metal crap, but there's got to be something there I'd like.

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