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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

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Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.

The following pornographic selections and accompanying text are taken from The Randy Gentleman's Gazette of Eccentric and Intriguing Views, a London publication reportedly favored by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson:

[Figure 1.] "As you can well observe, this fine specimen is a respected member of the leisure class and very much the fancy of many eligible young ladies of the court. But if they knew about his nightly excursions into the Whitechapel brothels, O Heavens above!"

Forgive me, Lord, my readers know not what they do. But I must press onward.

[Figure 2.] "Here is the image of a dainty young lass ripe for deflowering by a lusty young gadfly. It scarcely requires mentioning, but the very sight of her exposed corset is enough to send the most chaste of gentlemen into fits of ecstasy. Huzzah!"

I was going to exhibit more, but my nurse has wrenched The Gazette away from my gnarled grasp. It wasn't for me, you swamp-minded slattern, it was for the readers! The readers! They're crying out for pornography! Loudly! It was purely a business decision! This is what our readers want!

Lousy killjoy.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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