Here Is Some Pornography For You

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.

The following pornographic selections and accompanying text are taken from The Randy Gentleman's Gazette of Eccentric and Intriguing Views, a London publication reportedly favored by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson:

[Figure 1.] "As you can well observe, this fine specimen is a respected member of the leisure class and very much the fancy of many eligible young ladies of the court. But if they knew about his nightly excursions into the Whitechapel brothels, O Heavens above!"

Forgive me, Lord, my readers know not what they do. But I must press onward.

[Figure 2.] "Here is the image of a dainty young lass ripe for deflowering by a lusty young gadfly. It scarcely requires mentioning, but the very sight of her exposed corset is enough to send the most chaste of gentlemen into fits of ecstasy. Huzzah!"

I was going to exhibit more, but my nurse has wrenched The Gazette away from my gnarled grasp. It wasn't for me, you swamp-minded slattern, it was for the readers! The readers! They're crying out for pornography! Loudly! It was purely a business decision! This is what our readers want!

Lousy killjoy.

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