adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.

The following pornographic selections and accompanying text are taken from The Randy Gentleman's Gazette of Eccentric and Intriguing Views, a London publication reportedly favored by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson:

[Figure 1.] "As you can well observe, this fine specimen is a respected member of the leisure class and very much the fancy of many eligible young ladies of the court. But if they knew about his nightly excursions into the Whitechapel brothels, O Heavens above!"

Forgive me, Lord, my readers know not what they do. But I must press onward.

[Figure 2.] "Here is the image of a dainty young lass ripe for deflowering by a lusty young gadfly. It scarcely requires mentioning, but the very sight of her exposed corset is enough to send the most chaste of gentlemen into fits of ecstasy. Huzzah!"

I was going to exhibit more, but my nurse has wrenched The Gazette away from my gnarled grasp. It wasn't for me, you swamp-minded slattern, it was for the readers! The readers! They're crying out for pornography! Loudly! It was purely a business decision! This is what our readers want!

Lousy killjoy.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close