Here Is Some Pornography For You

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.

The following pornographic selections and accompanying text are taken from The Randy Gentleman's Gazette of Eccentric and Intriguing Views, a London publication reportedly favored by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson:

[Figure 1.] "As you can well observe, this fine specimen is a respected member of the leisure class and very much the fancy of many eligible young ladies of the court. But if they knew about his nightly excursions into the Whitechapel brothels, O Heavens above!"

Forgive me, Lord, my readers know not what they do. But I must press onward.

[Figure 2.] "Here is the image of a dainty young lass ripe for deflowering by a lusty young gadfly. It scarcely requires mentioning, but the very sight of her exposed corset is enough to send the most chaste of gentlemen into fits of ecstasy. Huzzah!"

I was going to exhibit more, but my nurse has wrenched The Gazette away from my gnarled grasp. It wasn't for me, you swamp-minded slattern, it was for the readers! The readers! They're crying out for pornography! Loudly! It was purely a business decision! This is what our readers want!

Lousy killjoy.