Here Is Some Pornography For You

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Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.

The following pornographic selections and accompanying text are taken from The Randy Gentleman's Gazette of Eccentric and Intriguing Views, a London publication reportedly favored by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson:

[Figure 1.] "As you can well observe, this fine specimen is a respected member of the leisure class and very much the fancy of many eligible young ladies of the court. But if they knew about his nightly excursions into the Whitechapel brothels, O Heavens above!"

Forgive me, Lord, my readers know not what they do. But I must press onward.

[Figure 2.] "Here is the image of a dainty young lass ripe for deflowering by a lusty young gadfly. It scarcely requires mentioning, but the very sight of her exposed corset is enough to send the most chaste of gentlemen into fits of ecstasy. Huzzah!"

I was going to exhibit more, but my nurse has wrenched The Gazette away from my gnarled grasp. It wasn't for me, you swamp-minded slattern, it was for the readers! The readers! They're crying out for pornography! Loudly! It was purely a business decision! This is what our readers want!

Lousy killjoy.