adBlockCheck

Hey, Baby, I’m Terrified Of My Looming Mortality!

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hey, Baby, I’m Terrified Of My Looming Mortality!

Whoa-ho-ho! Look at that piece of work coming up Fifth! Slow down, baby. Let me get a good look at you. Why don’t you try me on for size, huh? Check me out. I’m 200 pounds of pure solid man, I’m desperately lonely, and I’m fearful of the mortality that I, like every one of us, inevitably faces!

Mmm, I like what I see. Why don’t you walk them legs over here and stimulate my basic carnal urges, distracting me from the vulgar, purposeless death march my life became decades ago? Won’t take you long, honey!

Ooh, yeah, shake it! Shake it while you still have breath in your lungs, and the flush of youth in your cheeks, and can believe this world is truly yours for the enjoying and not a wearying burden that pins you down with obligations before you can accomplish anything lasting or uniquely yours.

What? Who you calling? You got a boyfriend or something? He can’t love you like I can. Which is not to imply that so-called love, as I manifest it, is anything more than neurochemical and behavioral programming that serves to ward off my cringing despair, however temporarily.

But damn, woman, you’ve got a little something there I’d like to get a piece of. Something that sure would beat the nothing I’m creeping closer to with each passing breath. The vicissitudes of fate, not cruel so much as random, can snuff out life at any moment, so whaddaya say?

I sure wouldn’t mind having a pretty mama like you to keep me company, even if, in the end, each of us must face the terror of death alone.

Ain’t none of us getting any younger, sugar—that’s true per the relentless nature of time, but I mean it more as a dire comment on my options for happiness running out with every minute that passes! That clock don’t stop ticking for no one.

Universe’s just gonna end in entropic heat death some day, you know. Can’t nobody prevent it. Might as well stop and lemme get to know you a little. Or don’t; I can’t argue that it truly matters in what is ultimately a meaningless and indifferent cosmos.

C’mon, sweet thing, my existential dread ain’t gonna ameliorate itself! How ’bout a little momentary release from the crushing grind of this grueling job that comprises the least uncomfortable life I have been able to build for myself?

You don’t wanna send me home to the wife I married too young and never did grow close to. Last night, after dreaming I had died, I awoke in a cold sweat, panicked to realize I was still alive and would likely suffer on for years before finally dying a pointless death.

Hey, baby, you know I’m just another anonymous cog in the machine, guaranteed to pass through this world without so much as a mention in a footnote on a lesser page of the big book of existence. But if I could know I was truly cared for by even one person, I could perhaps die in relative happiness, rationalizing the whole charade as a tiny-but-meaningful iamb of cosmic poetry. The woman who packs my lunches ain’t really up to the job, if you get me!

Aw, don’t walk away mad, sweetheart! Not mad at me, anyway. Better to curse the blind idiot god who has stranded us here on a tiny, hopeless speck of dust lost in an impossibly vast and unfathomably dark void, constantly aware of the unstoppable passage of time.

Your loss, chickie-baby!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close