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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.

I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen. I’ve acted in quite a few movies, and I’ve tried to stay pretty consistent about being involved in political causes. Most of that stuff has been going well, and I even ended up winning two Oscars, so that was pretty nice. Oh yeah, and in 2007, I ended up directing Into The Wild, which was cool because I don’t get to direct a whole lot of things.

Unfortunately, my brother Chris died in 2006 and I got divorced about three years ago. I would say those were pretty rough times for me, but, you know, I worked through that and I’m doing a lot better now. Overall, I’d say things are going pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Maybe I’ll write another one of these things in a few years. Hope things are going well for everyone out there.

See you guys later.

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