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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.

I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen. I’ve acted in quite a few movies, and I’ve tried to stay pretty consistent about being involved in political causes. Most of that stuff has been going well, and I even ended up winning two Oscars, so that was pretty nice. Oh yeah, and in 2007, I ended up directing Into The Wild, which was cool because I don’t get to direct a whole lot of things.

Unfortunately, my brother Chris died in 2006 and I got divorced about three years ago. I would say those were pretty rough times for me, but, you know, I worked through that and I’m doing a lot better now. Overall, I’d say things are going pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Maybe I’ll write another one of these things in a few years. Hope things are going well for everyone out there.

See you guys later.

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