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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.

I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen. I’ve acted in quite a few movies, and I’ve tried to stay pretty consistent about being involved in political causes. Most of that stuff has been going well, and I even ended up winning two Oscars, so that was pretty nice. Oh yeah, and in 2007, I ended up directing Into The Wild, which was cool because I don’t get to direct a whole lot of things.

Unfortunately, my brother Chris died in 2006 and I got divorced about three years ago. I would say those were pretty rough times for me, but, you know, I worked through that and I’m doing a lot better now. Overall, I’d say things are going pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Maybe I’ll write another one of these things in a few years. Hope things are going well for everyone out there.

See you guys later.

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