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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.

I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen. I’ve acted in quite a few movies, and I’ve tried to stay pretty consistent about being involved in political causes. Most of that stuff has been going well, and I even ended up winning two Oscars, so that was pretty nice. Oh yeah, and in 2007, I ended up directing Into The Wild, which was cool because I don’t get to direct a whole lot of things.

Unfortunately, my brother Chris died in 2006 and I got divorced about three years ago. I would say those were pretty rough times for me, but, you know, I worked through that and I’m doing a lot better now. Overall, I’d say things are going pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Maybe I’ll write another one of these things in a few years. Hope things are going well for everyone out there.

See you guys later.

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