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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns

Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.

I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen. I’ve acted in quite a few movies, and I’ve tried to stay pretty consistent about being involved in political causes. Most of that stuff has been going well, and I even ended up winning two Oscars, so that was pretty nice. Oh yeah, and in 2007, I ended up directing Into The Wild, which was cool because I don’t get to direct a whole lot of things.

Unfortunately, my brother Chris died in 2006 and I got divorced about three years ago. I would say those were pretty rough times for me, but, you know, I worked through that and I’m doing a lot better now. Overall, I’d say things are going pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Maybe I’ll write another one of these things in a few years. Hope things are going well for everyone out there.

See you guys later.

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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