Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

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Vol 39 Issue 43

Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure

SHREWSBURY, WV—A bunch of local, piss-ant, hick nobodies filed a lawsuit against the Allegheny Electric Cooperative Monday, alleging that the company exposed residents to dangerous levels of mercury. "Just about everybody on the Kanawha [River] knows someone that's sick or died," some toothless rube told reporters. "It's all the waste they dump out the power plant. You can see it in the water, like liquid silver. We're not going to sit here and take it. No sir." According to Allegheny spokesman Thomas Gill, the bumpkins were somehow able to scrape together enough moonshine money "to get theyselves one of them fancy, big-city lawyers."

Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst

CHICAGO—17-year-old Jeremy Kempf reluctantly acknowledged that parents Judith and Harvey were right about Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst Tuesday. "I used to crank 'Nookie' full blast, and my parents would say that Fred Durst was an obnoxious loudmouth and Limp Bizkit sucked," Kempf said. "Then I got Results May Vary, and I was like, 'Oh, shit. This does suck.'" Kempf also admitted that his parents may have had valid points about the taste of Mountain Dew and his friend Tony's neck tattoo.

Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to weed out pedophiles, two FBI agents, identified only as "Cutiepie1994" and "KoalaLover," unknowingly communicated with one another in the under-12 chat room of TweenTalk.com for almost two hours Tuesday. "You should see me in my new bathing suit. It's really rad," Cutiepie wrote. "Kewl. Guess what? My parents aren't home right now," KoalaLover responded. Two minutes after their lengthy Internet conversation ended, KoalaLover unknowingly passed Cutiepie on the way into the bathroom.

Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to Jeffrey Duncan, 43, his friend Ronald Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."

Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President

McALLEN, TX—Thanks to the intervention of White House political advisor Karl Rove, McAllen East Middle School elected a Republican student body president Monday. "I'd like to give a special shout-out to Mr. Rove, for helping me beat [incumbent president] Luis Mendes," Paul Wenger said in his victory speech. "Thanks to him, I was totally able to expose Luis' idea of using candy funds to buy uniforms for needy students. As your president, I'll make sure that that money goes back into the school, where it belongs—and into the biggest pizza party that McAllen East has ever seen." Rove denied any involvement in the election.

Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Will, and there's chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.

What's your option if you want a good family movie? Good question. The answer is Good Dog! Talking dogs have been a favorite of mine since The Adventures Of Milo And Stitch. Good Dog has more than enough loudmouth canines to tickle your funny bone, and the pooches are voiced by heavy hitters like Matthew Broderik. I'm making a Harvey Call To Arms: Go see Good Dog! Let's show Hollywood that we're drawing a line in the sand. No more blood and guts. We demand quality family entertainment.

Item! Did you catch the Series this year? Some of my friends are Yankees fans, and they were pretty disappointed when the Marlons won. Oh, well. It's an honor just to make it to The Big Game. Better luck next year, Yankees.

I wonder what the most American food is. Some people say hot dogs; others say apple pie. But I say it's a tie between rhubarb crisp and the double bacon cheeseburger.

Item! It's a shame what happened to Sigfreed or Roy. One of them got chewed up and dragged off stage by a white lion. I'm no big-cat expert, but I've got a hunch that I know what happened. I'll bet that the lion thought that Sigfreed or Roy was one of her kittens and tried to carry him, by the throat, to the safety of her cage. Silly lion! Humans don't have scruffs on their necks. I hope that someone teaches the animal about that, if Sigfreed or Roy regains his health and the duo resumes the act.

Steve from Blues Clues has an album out. Now I've seen everything! I should just close up shop right now. (Don't worry, I won't actually do that.)

The new TV season is here! The jury's still out on how good it is. I've been too busy to check. I've been watching the first season of 24 with Donald Sutherland on DVD. I don't know how Donald could stay up for a full day without sleep. I get tired just watching him! But I suppose I've never had to save the world.

Item! Mandy Moore is the name on everyone's lips. I'll do a little sleuthing to find out why and report back to you.

The fall colors sure were spectacular this year. I hope you got out to see them, because it's going to be another 12 months until Mother Nature gets out her brush again and paints the world in hues of red, orange, and brown.

I'm achin' for Clay...Clay Aiken, that is! I picked up his new album, and now I can't seem to get that CD out of my player. The verdict? Move over, Michael! There's a new king of pop, and he's got the magic you had once upon a time.

Item! Celebrity deaths always seem to come in threes. America mourned the passing of three of its favorite performers recently. We reeled from the news that singer Johnny Cash had passed away. Then, the report came that Barefoot Executive and Eight Ways To Date My Daughter star John Ritter had died. Just when things seemed their darkest, we heard that Larry "Carter from Hogan's Heroes" Hovis had made the great escape from the prison camp of the soldiers. We'll miss you all dearly. Entertainment won't be the same. I guess there really is a Hogan's Heroes curse.

Don't forget: Daylight Saving Time ended a week from last Sunday. If you haven't "fallen back" yet, you should turn your clocks back an hour.

Well, we're closing the curtain on another installment of The Outside Scoop. Next time, I'll bring you a behind-the-scenes look at the hilarious new movie The Cat With The Hat. (That Michael Moore is a genius!) I'll also answer the question, "What ever happened to Angelica Jolie?" Until then, I'll be ringside in the box seats...on the outside!

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