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Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Will, and there's chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.

What's your option if you want a good family movie? Good question. The answer is Good Dog! Talking dogs have been a favorite of mine since The Adventures Of Milo And Stitch. Good Dog has more than enough loudmouth canines to tickle your funny bone, and the pooches are voiced by heavy hitters like Matthew Broderik. I'm making a Harvey Call To Arms: Go see Good Dog! Let's show Hollywood that we're drawing a line in the sand. No more blood and guts. We demand quality family entertainment.

Item! Did you catch the Series this year? Some of my friends are Yankees fans, and they were pretty disappointed when the Marlons won. Oh, well. It's an honor just to make it to The Big Game. Better luck next year, Yankees.

I wonder what the most American food is. Some people say hot dogs; others say apple pie. But I say it's a tie between rhubarb crisp and the double bacon cheeseburger.

Item! It's a shame what happened to Sigfreed or Roy. One of them got chewed up and dragged off stage by a white lion. I'm no big-cat expert, but I've got a hunch that I know what happened. I'll bet that the lion thought that Sigfreed or Roy was one of her kittens and tried to carry him, by the throat, to the safety of her cage. Silly lion! Humans don't have scruffs on their necks. I hope that someone teaches the animal about that, if Sigfreed or Roy regains his health and the duo resumes the act.

Steve from Blues Clues has an album out. Now I've seen everything! I should just close up shop right now. (Don't worry, I won't actually do that.)

The new TV season is here! The jury's still out on how good it is. I've been too busy to check. I've been watching the first season of 24 with Donald Sutherland on DVD. I don't know how Donald could stay up for a full day without sleep. I get tired just watching him! But I suppose I've never had to save the world.

Item! Mandy Moore is the name on everyone's lips. I'll do a little sleuthing to find out why and report back to you.

The fall colors sure were spectacular this year. I hope you got out to see them, because it's going to be another 12 months until Mother Nature gets out her brush again and paints the world in hues of red, orange, and brown.

I'm achin' for Clay...Clay Aiken, that is! I picked up his new album, and now I can't seem to get that CD out of my player. The verdict? Move over, Michael! There's a new king of pop, and he's got the magic you had once upon a time.

Item! Celebrity deaths always seem to come in threes. America mourned the passing of three of its favorite performers recently. We reeled from the news that singer Johnny Cash had passed away. Then, the report came that Barefoot Executive and Eight Ways To Date My Daughter star John Ritter had died. Just when things seemed their darkest, we heard that Larry "Carter from Hogan's Heroes" Hovis had made the great escape from the prison camp of the soldiers. We'll miss you all dearly. Entertainment won't be the same. I guess there really is a Hogan's Heroes curse.

Don't forget: Daylight Saving Time ended a week from last Sunday. If you haven't "fallen back" yet, you should turn your clocks back an hour.

Well, we're closing the curtain on another installment of The Outside Scoop. Next time, I'll bring you a behind-the-scenes look at the hilarious new movie The Cat With The Hat. (That Michael Moore is a genius!) I'll also answer the question, "What ever happened to Angelica Jolie?" Until then, I'll be ringside in the box seats...on the outside!

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