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Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Will, and there's chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.

What's your option if you want a good family movie? Good question. The answer is Good Dog! Talking dogs have been a favorite of mine since The Adventures Of Milo And Stitch. Good Dog has more than enough loudmouth canines to tickle your funny bone, and the pooches are voiced by heavy hitters like Matthew Broderik. I'm making a Harvey Call To Arms: Go see Good Dog! Let's show Hollywood that we're drawing a line in the sand. No more blood and guts. We demand quality family entertainment.

Item! Did you catch the Series this year? Some of my friends are Yankees fans, and they were pretty disappointed when the Marlons won. Oh, well. It's an honor just to make it to The Big Game. Better luck next year, Yankees.

I wonder what the most American food is. Some people say hot dogs; others say apple pie. But I say it's a tie between rhubarb crisp and the double bacon cheeseburger.

Item! It's a shame what happened to Sigfreed or Roy. One of them got chewed up and dragged off stage by a white lion. I'm no big-cat expert, but I've got a hunch that I know what happened. I'll bet that the lion thought that Sigfreed or Roy was one of her kittens and tried to carry him, by the throat, to the safety of her cage. Silly lion! Humans don't have scruffs on their necks. I hope that someone teaches the animal about that, if Sigfreed or Roy regains his health and the duo resumes the act.

Steve from Blues Clues has an album out. Now I've seen everything! I should just close up shop right now. (Don't worry, I won't actually do that.)

The new TV season is here! The jury's still out on how good it is. I've been too busy to check. I've been watching the first season of 24 with Donald Sutherland on DVD. I don't know how Donald could stay up for a full day without sleep. I get tired just watching him! But I suppose I've never had to save the world.

Item! Mandy Moore is the name on everyone's lips. I'll do a little sleuthing to find out why and report back to you.

The fall colors sure were spectacular this year. I hope you got out to see them, because it's going to be another 12 months until Mother Nature gets out her brush again and paints the world in hues of red, orange, and brown.

I'm achin' for Clay...Clay Aiken, that is! I picked up his new album, and now I can't seem to get that CD out of my player. The verdict? Move over, Michael! There's a new king of pop, and he's got the magic you had once upon a time.

Item! Celebrity deaths always seem to come in threes. America mourned the passing of three of its favorite performers recently. We reeled from the news that singer Johnny Cash had passed away. Then, the report came that Barefoot Executive and Eight Ways To Date My Daughter star John Ritter had died. Just when things seemed their darkest, we heard that Larry "Carter from Hogan's Heroes" Hovis had made the great escape from the prison camp of the soldiers. We'll miss you all dearly. Entertainment won't be the same. I guess there really is a Hogan's Heroes curse.

Don't forget: Daylight Saving Time ended a week from last Sunday. If you haven't "fallen back" yet, you should turn your clocks back an hour.

Well, we're closing the curtain on another installment of The Outside Scoop. Next time, I'll bring you a behind-the-scenes look at the hilarious new movie The Cat With The Hat. (That Michael Moore is a genius!) I'll also answer the question, "What ever happened to Angelica Jolie?" Until then, I'll be ringside in the box seats...on the outside!

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