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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?

Does that pot over there look familiar to you? Over there, in Aisle 7, across from the deodorants? I know I've seen that box before. Was it in the Twin Lakes Walgreens? No, that's not where it was. Hmm, where have I seen that—holy shit! That's the pot that's on TV!

What the hell is the name of it? Damn, it's on the tip of my tongue. Pasta Pot? No. Pasta Premiere? No... Pasta Pro! That's it! That's the Pasta Pro!

Don't look at it! Be cool. You know the pot—from that late-night commercial? Remember? "Pasta Pro is as easy as 1-2-3!" It's the one where you just place your favorite pasta into the Pasta Pro and, when the pasta's ready, turn the lid to the locked position, pour the water out, and keep the pasta in! Pasta Pro! C'mon, I'm sure you've seen the commercial. Well, you'd know it if you watched the midnight reruns of Roseanne on Channel 14. That pot's totally famous. Do you think we should see if we can get our picture taken with it?

Man, I wonder what the hell the Pasta Pro is doing all the way out here in Litchfield. And why's it in a pharmacy? Shouldn't it be in California on the set of another commercial or something? You'd think it'd have something else lined up by now. Come to think of it, I've been seeing repeats of the same commercial for a while now. I hope the pot's doing okay.

Don't stare at it. That's totally rude.

This is really exciting. My mom's going to flip out when we tell her we saw that pot. Whenever that commercial comes on, she says how much she likes it. My dad can never understand why she has a thing for it. Hey, wait here. I'm going to go to the shampoo aisle and walk around so I can get a better look at it.

Don't worry. I'll be casual. It doesn't know that we know what it is. Do you have your digital camera? Don't get it out yet. Just hold on. Let me go over there. Let me be 100 percent sure that it's the same pot.

Okay, now I'm positive that's the pot from TV. The whole Pasta Pro posse is sitting there with it. You know—the durable pasta fork, the hand-held cheese grater, the Pasta Pro recipe guide, and the additional two-quart Pasta Pro. I am so freaking out!

Should we go over there? I don't know. That just seems kinda weird. I'm sure that the pot is used to being noticed, but I'm not sure if we should try to pick it up. Maybe we should just leave it alone and let it do its thing. I'm not one of those losers that fawns over a kitchen appliance just because it's been on TV. I mean, if it were the Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator, I wouldn't care at all.

Tell you what, we'll go and get that toothbrush and everything else that you need. If it's still over in that aisle, we'll go over. Who knows, maybe it needs a little help finding something to do here in Litchfield. Not like there's a whole lot to do in this shithole town.

Yeah, I know you've seen the Chia Pet at the Spencer Gifts over in Round Lake. Who cares? The Chia Pet is washed up, man. It's so 15 years ago. It's just sad at this point. Its box is all faded and dusty. Even when it was new, it was dumb. I never understood why it was so popular.

And then, every time there's a decent TV product, like the Liquid Leather repair kit or Pops-A-Dent, it seems to just fall off the face of the earth. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Joe Lunchpail don't know how to respond to a product that's actually innovative or useful.

I hope that doesn't happen to the Pasta Pro. It totally has so much potential. The Pasta Pro's lightweight design fits any stovetop and can be used to create an endless variety of your favorite dishes. Hey, remember this line? "You can quickly prepare delicious macaroni and cheese, linguini with clam sauce, or even brown sirloin beef for chili, without the mess." That's my favorite. Okay, okay. I know I'm acting like a nerd. Let's just go get your toothbrush and then we'll go over there, really quick, and not make a big deal about it.

This is going to be awesome. I can't wait to tell all my friends.

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