Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 24

New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.

No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change

MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.

Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.

Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the political lives of numerous government officials, could have been averted with preventive action in 2002 and 2003.

We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken us—events which, as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in the Western world—the seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council. Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin.

Memorializing Reagan

People around the world have spent the last week and a half honoring Ronald Reagan. What were some of the events?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Originality

Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?

Does that pot over there look familiar to you? Over there, in Aisle 7, across from the deodorants? I know I've seen that box before. Was it in the Twin Lakes Walgreens? No, that's not where it was. Hmm, where have I seen that—holy shit! That's the pot that's on TV!

What the hell is the name of it? Damn, it's on the tip of my tongue. Pasta Pot? No. Pasta Premiere? No... Pasta Pro! That's it! That's the Pasta Pro!

Don't look at it! Be cool. You know the pot—from that late-night commercial? Remember? "Pasta Pro is as easy as 1-2-3!" It's the one where you just place your favorite pasta into the Pasta Pro and, when the pasta's ready, turn the lid to the locked position, pour the water out, and keep the pasta in! Pasta Pro! C'mon, I'm sure you've seen the commercial. Well, you'd know it if you watched the midnight reruns of Roseanne on Channel 14. That pot's totally famous. Do you think we should see if we can get our picture taken with it?

Man, I wonder what the hell the Pasta Pro is doing all the way out here in Litchfield. And why's it in a pharmacy? Shouldn't it be in California on the set of another commercial or something? You'd think it'd have something else lined up by now. Come to think of it, I've been seeing repeats of the same commercial for a while now. I hope the pot's doing okay.

Don't stare at it. That's totally rude.

This is really exciting. My mom's going to flip out when we tell her we saw that pot. Whenever that commercial comes on, she says how much she likes it. My dad can never understand why she has a thing for it. Hey, wait here. I'm going to go to the shampoo aisle and walk around so I can get a better look at it.

Don't worry. I'll be casual. It doesn't know that we know what it is. Do you have your digital camera? Don't get it out yet. Just hold on. Let me go over there. Let me be 100 percent sure that it's the same pot.

Okay, now I'm positive that's the pot from TV. The whole Pasta Pro posse is sitting there with it. You know—the durable pasta fork, the hand-held cheese grater, the Pasta Pro recipe guide, and the additional two-quart Pasta Pro. I am so freaking out!

Should we go over there? I don't know. That just seems kinda weird. I'm sure that the pot is used to being noticed, but I'm not sure if we should try to pick it up. Maybe we should just leave it alone and let it do its thing. I'm not one of those losers that fawns over a kitchen appliance just because it's been on TV. I mean, if it were the Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator, I wouldn't care at all.

Tell you what, we'll go and get that toothbrush and everything else that you need. If it's still over in that aisle, we'll go over. Who knows, maybe it needs a little help finding something to do here in Litchfield. Not like there's a whole lot to do in this shithole town.

Yeah, I know you've seen the Chia Pet at the Spencer Gifts over in Round Lake. Who cares? The Chia Pet is washed up, man. It's so 15 years ago. It's just sad at this point. Its box is all faded and dusty. Even when it was new, it was dumb. I never understood why it was so popular.

And then, every time there's a decent TV product, like the Liquid Leather repair kit or Pops-A-Dent, it seems to just fall off the face of the earth. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Joe Lunchpail don't know how to respond to a product that's actually innovative or useful.

I hope that doesn't happen to the Pasta Pro. It totally has so much potential. The Pasta Pro's lightweight design fits any stovetop and can be used to create an endless variety of your favorite dishes. Hey, remember this line? "You can quickly prepare delicious macaroni and cheese, linguini with clam sauce, or even brown sirloin beef for chili, without the mess." That's my favorite. Okay, okay. I know I'm acting like a nerd. Let's just go get your toothbrush and then we'll go over there, really quick, and not make a big deal about it.

This is going to be awesome. I can't wait to tell all my friends.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More