adBlockCheck

Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too

So, remember how you said earlier that you wanted to devote at least an hour to reading me tonight? Listen, I know you're really tired and everything, and I just want to say, don't worry about it. You can jump in another night. I completely understand—and frankly, I can't say I blame you.

I'm a pretty challenging read!

Hey, you've been following the show for months, after all, so it would be a shame for you to miss tonight's special two-hour Biggest Loser event. No, really, don't sweat it. Who am I to begrudge you enjoying what may, in retrospect, turn out to be a pivotal moment in season 11?

I'm just a collection of 65 short stories originally written in Russian, French, and English more than half a century ago by the masterful prose stylist Vladimir Nabokov. You can read me anytime. I'm not going anywhere.

And how often does something like tonight's show come along?

Look, I totally get the appeal of the show. I do. There's a clearly defined premise, drama, the struggle to better oneself, no extensive treatments of the poetological implications of potustoronnost, and it's guaranteed to reach an exciting conclusion in two hours flat. It's a genuinly entertaining show with an addictive premise.

So, really, why should you feel bad about enjoying it? You work 40 or 50 hours a week at a job that's not exactly thrilling, and you're supposed to feel guilty because you'd rather spend the last hours of your hellishly long day watching The Biggest Loser instead of struggling to understand "Spring in Fialta"?

Honestly, I'd choose that show over me, too.

Don't get me wrong—I'm definitely worth reading. But there's no denying I'm a pretty serious time commitment. Even if you started me right now, there's no telling when or if you'd finish. You could spend weeks or even months deciphering my complex metaphors for transformation and individualism, but tonight it's just nice to know you can turn on your television and hear Jillian Michaels say, "I believe in you, so why can't you believe in yourself?"

Real-life people step on a scale and either reach their goal weight or come pretty close. You have to admit there's something satisfying in that simple conceit: People focus, work really hard, lose weight, and everybody feels good about it. You don't have to struggle with any ambiguity; it's all right there.

Given entertainment options like that, I'm kind of impressed you're still this determined to read me at all.

Regardless, whenever you're ready, I'll be sitting on the old bookshelf. Except for when you've moved me to your bedside table in an effort to remind yourself to read me. Then I'll be there for a few days until I get kicked under the bed. Who knows? Maybe this summer you'll have some time to kill and you'll get into "Mademoiselle O." In that one, Nabokov details life with a French mistress, blurring the line between being and perception and—

Oh, what am I harassing you for? You already know I possess literary merit. That's my thing, but I don't want to burden you with that. Not when, at this very moment, The Biggest Loser is still anyone's game to win, the grand prize up for grabs by whoever is willing to participate in a series of grueling trials that inevitably leads them to realize they are the only ones who can control their destiny.

Do you think you're the first educated person to choose reality TV over a series of long, exhaustive nights desperately trying to grasp whatever it is Nabokov was going for in "The Wood-Sprite"?

It's okay—I wasn't written to be lightly perused by the casual reader. And please don't hesitate to put me down if you want to catch the repeat of that one where Jillian makes Kendra cry over something that wasn't even her fault.

How unbelievable was that, seriously?

And let me be honest here: I may, as a volume, be a reminder "that we are in the presence of a magnificent original, a genuine master," but it's not like I'm Lolita or anything. If you absolutely have to get a taste of Nabokov—and I'm not saying you do—they made a movie of that one. It's pretty much the same thing. So check that out, if you want.

Anyhow, watch your show. There's no shame in it, champ. No shame at all. Enjoy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close