adBlockCheck

Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You?

How are we doing today? How we doin'? Great, great. You're looking good. Love the shirt. Let me guess: Christmas present? Knew it. Great. Hey man, whenever you get a sec—and it's no biggie—I was hoping you could just pop on over to my office real quick so I can fire you.

Nothing to worry about. Trust me. Just a short little one-on-one session about you being fired. We'll have a bit of unnecessary and degrading small talk and then I'll clunkily segue into terminating your position here. I'll follow up by apologizing like I care and that'll be that. The whole thing will take a second out of your day. Promise.

You'll be in and out and unemployed in no time.

Keep working on whatever it is you're working on. I don't want to interrupt. Just want to terminate your source of income. That's all. Go ahead, take your time and finish whatever you need to do now, because afterward you won't be allowed back in here. And we'd really love it if we could get as much work as possible out of you before you go. Okay? So when you've got a free minute, just drop by my office to get fired.

Oh, no need to bring a pen and paper. Love the enthusiasm but, really, relax. It's just gonna be a quick little meeting about you not working here anymore. Honestly, corporate is making me have these with everyone. They want to get you up-to-date on how the company's moving forward and how you won't be moving with it. Again, nothing big.

Just a "Hi, how are ya, you're fired" kind of deal. Totally painless.

Door's open whenever you're ready to peek your head in and lose your job. I'll get you in and out real quick, grab your security card, confiscate your work computer, and terminate your employee profile. I'm putting it at three minutes, tops. Then you can spend your afternoon on more important things, like saying goodbye to your coworkers who will complain to you about how it's so unfair that you got fired, but won't ever say anything to me about it. And within a week we'll all pretend like you never existed.

Sound good? Good.

Don't be nervous, man. I'll make sure you're out of here way, way before you have a chance to get mad at me. I just gotta bend your ear for a quick sec about the company's fiscal policy no longer correlating with you having a job. Whenever you're ready. I'll be waiting for you.

Actually, if you'd prefer, I could go ahead and let you go right here if you want to get a head start on packing your stuff up. Got to keep moving, right? Speaking of which, it's a nice day. Maybe we can walk it out, grab some Starbucks, I could fire you, and you could keep right on walking. Better yet, I could puss out and have Gina do it. Whatever works for you.

Oh, and if you've got an extra sec, could you grab Greg and bring him in on this? I'm thinking maybe we just double-team this thing real fast, and then everyone's free to be jobless for the rest of the day. That'd be great for me, actually, because I have to run soon. Got a little powwow with the guys upstairs. They just want to talk to me real quick when I'm done down here.

Thinking I might be getting promoted.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close