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Hey, You Got Something To Eat?

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

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Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Hey, You Got Something To Eat?

Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal.

You gotta have something. Please. What is that? A thing to eat? I think it might be.

I'm not that hungry. I just ate. I could take or leave it. Got a handful of hard seeds? I'll take them. Pour them on the ground or just hold them out. You kidding? That would be great. Sure would. Whatever you got, really. It don't even have to be seeds. I'll take anything. Don't worry about me. I'm easy. Hey, anything you got. I'll try it. I got a open mind.

You gonna eat that shoe? I'll eat that shoe if you're not gonna eat it.

Come on, what you got? I just want to know. I don't have to eat it. I'm just curious. In truth, there's a good possibility I'll eat it. But still. I want to know. If you got just a morsel of anything, I'd be obliged. If I knew you were good for a scrap once in a while, I'd probably come back to you for more food sometimes. You wouldn't mind that. Of course not. You're my buddy. The food-giver. That's what I'd call ya.

I bet you got a nice pant leg. Lemme chew a hole in it. I could chew it until you yanked it out of my mouth. If you don't mind. I'm telling you, I could use a little something to chomp on. I could wait, but what have you got? I don't care very much one way or the other. Come on, give me a break over here. I just want something to nibble on.

Hey! What's down there? A piece of bread? Let's see what we got. No... No, this is a rock. I'm not going to eat a rock. What do you think, I'm crazy?

You keeping a sandwich in your pocket for later? I'd be happy to eat it for you now. You don't even have to take it out of the bag. I'll eat the plastic and everything. Or tinfoil. Don't make no never mind to me. Do you got anything that I could put in my mouth for just a minute or two? Lemme know. I'll take it off your hands. No worries.

Do you have any trash? I'll eat trash. You were gonna throw it out anyway. Hey, lemme eat it. Lemme at least taste it. If it's no good to eat, I'll know. I hate to see it go to waste, is all.

Got a balled-up tissue? Some paper towels? Coffee filters? Grounds, perhaps? Some cardboard? Insulation? All that sounds good to me. Just about anything like that would hit the spot for me about now.

A piece of corn on the cob. That'd do me. You got that? Would you mind going and picking me a ear from the cornfield? I don't care if it is seed corn or sweet corn or feed corn. I don't care if it's too hard to chew. I'll just swallow it whole. Just swallow it down. Who cares? I don't. Seriously, go over and snatch me one of them ears of corn. I'll get you back. Maybe I could eat something else for you later, something maybe that you're not interested in eating. Or maybe something that you intend to only eat half of. I might be able to eat the rest of it for you.

I've tried about enough of the grass around here to last me a while. I'm sick of this grass. This damned same grass day in and day out, I could just about... I take that back. This grass is okay. I'll eat it. It's pretty good. It's great, actually. I mean, it's okay. Could you grab me a handful of weeds from the ditch? Don't bother shaking off the dirt! That's a waste of time! Just bring it over as is. Wave that near my mouth and it's going down the belly hatch. I am not joking. I'll eat weeds. Just watch me. You give me a rotten apple, and I will eat that whole thing, seeds and all. Tear off a piece of bark for me, and it's gone.

Hey. Come on. Don't be greedy. I said I'd like a little something to eat. Put something in my mouth now. Let me chew something, you fucker.

Oh shit, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. That was uncalled for. There's no problem. I'm really sorry, friend. Food-giver. That's what you are. There's the stuff. Food-giver. You're my friend.

Hey, by the by... You got anything to eat? Don't go out of your way on my account. It's nothing, really—I don't need nothing. But if you got something, I'll eat it.

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