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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

You come to this park much? I do, 'cause I live right over there. You can see my apartment building from here if you stand on your tippy-toes and look just past that blue one. I live with another guy named Gregg. He's pretty cool. The place is pretty small, though. I really can't afford anything bigger, though, because I have lots of doctor bills 'cause I have cancer.

That's a cool jacket. Where'd you get it? I like the colors, even though I really don't follow the Vikings. Hockey, right? I'm not into sports much, which is actually kind of weird, because my dad was a gym teacher and a coach for all sorts of stuff at my high school. Then again, maybe that's why I didn't get into it. You know, teacher's son and all—that's embarrassing when you're a teenager. That jacket's real neat, though. I bet it's warm. I need warm clothes because my bones never stop aching. It's more than an ache, though. It's more like, well, like all of my bones are on fire. Where'd you say you got that jacket? It's cool.

Do you go to school here? You do? What's your major? Chemistry, huh? Wow. I couldn't handle that! I took Chemistry 140 for the science credits, and I barely passed. I like science, but once you start throwing in all those chemical equations—oh, hold on just a second. Just hold on. I gotta squat down here for a minute... Whew! All right, I'm okay now. I was just feeling a a little nauseous there for a bit, but it passed. Anyway, like I was saying, chem is way over my head.

Yup, I was in school here, too, but then I dropped out. I figured, what's the use in continuing? It's not going to do me any good anyway, so why waste the time?

What? Oh, you thought I was talking about the cancer! That's funny. No, I dropped out more than a year before I found out about that. What I meant was, what's the use in getting a degree in comparative literature? It won't get me a job. Not that I have to worry about a job now, huh? I mean, now that I have cancer. The doctors say it could be a year, or it could be today, any minute, even—maybe right here in this very park! Uh, oh. I think I'm getting nauseous again. Whoops! False alarm!

Hey, I'm glad I met you. I really get a kick out of talking to people and finding out what they're all about, and then telling them that I have cancer. You seemed like an interesting person, so I figured I'd say hello. I'll see you around, I'm sure.

Wait a minute. What's your name? I don't think I caught your name, even! Mitch. Okay, Mitch, I'll remember that. And I'm Jerry, like I said, or, if it's easier for you to remember, you can just call me Cancer Dude or Cancer Man or Freaky Guy Who Tells Everyone He Meets For The First Time That He Has Cancer. Or just, That Guy With Whom I Just Had The Most Awkward Conversation Ever. Or Jerry. Whatever you find easiest to remember. See you around, if I don't die first! Bye!

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