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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

You come to this park much? I do, 'cause I live right over there. You can see my apartment building from here if you stand on your tippy-toes and look just past that blue one. I live with another guy named Gregg. He's pretty cool. The place is pretty small, though. I really can't afford anything bigger, though, because I have lots of doctor bills 'cause I have cancer.

That's a cool jacket. Where'd you get it? I like the colors, even though I really don't follow the Vikings. Hockey, right? I'm not into sports much, which is actually kind of weird, because my dad was a gym teacher and a coach for all sorts of stuff at my high school. Then again, maybe that's why I didn't get into it. You know, teacher's son and all—that's embarrassing when you're a teenager. That jacket's real neat, though. I bet it's warm. I need warm clothes because my bones never stop aching. It's more than an ache, though. It's more like, well, like all of my bones are on fire. Where'd you say you got that jacket? It's cool.

Do you go to school here? You do? What's your major? Chemistry, huh? Wow. I couldn't handle that! I took Chemistry 140 for the science credits, and I barely passed. I like science, but once you start throwing in all those chemical equations—oh, hold on just a second. Just hold on. I gotta squat down here for a minute... Whew! All right, I'm okay now. I was just feeling a a little nauseous there for a bit, but it passed. Anyway, like I was saying, chem is way over my head.

Yup, I was in school here, too, but then I dropped out. I figured, what's the use in continuing? It's not going to do me any good anyway, so why waste the time?

What? Oh, you thought I was talking about the cancer! That's funny. No, I dropped out more than a year before I found out about that. What I meant was, what's the use in getting a degree in comparative literature? It won't get me a job. Not that I have to worry about a job now, huh? I mean, now that I have cancer. The doctors say it could be a year, or it could be today, any minute, even—maybe right here in this very park! Uh, oh. I think I'm getting nauseous again. Whoops! False alarm!

Hey, I'm glad I met you. I really get a kick out of talking to people and finding out what they're all about, and then telling them that I have cancer. You seemed like an interesting person, so I figured I'd say hello. I'll see you around, I'm sure.

Wait a minute. What's your name? I don't think I caught your name, even! Mitch. Okay, Mitch, I'll remember that. And I'm Jerry, like I said, or, if it's easier for you to remember, you can just call me Cancer Dude or Cancer Man or Freaky Guy Who Tells Everyone He Meets For The First Time That He Has Cancer. Or just, That Guy With Whom I Just Had The Most Awkward Conversation Ever. Or Jerry. Whatever you find easiest to remember. See you around, if I don't die first! Bye!

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