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Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

When I encounter people on the street or in the supermarket or at school, the first things they notice, I'm convinced, are the self-inflicted cuts and scars on my body. And sure, I can see how it might seem, at first glance, like I devote all my time to slashing and carving my skin. But nothing could be further from the truth.

For starters, I love to read. Be it fiction, nonfiction, health pamphlets warning against the dangers of self-mutilation—I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on. I guess I have an addictive personality, because once I pick up a book, or anything that's sharp, you practically have to wrestle me to the ground to get me to put it down. It's hard to explain, but the pleasure I get from books goes much deeper than just the words on the page. I love the way a book feels when I wrap my hands around it. That familiar smell that only a book has. Also, I very much enjoy how a single page, when held firmly between the index finger and thumb and pulled sharply against the flesh, can create a small, deeply satisfying cut.

And I love movies, too. Especially dramas like Girl, Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, and Secretary. Although if I had to choose, I'd probably have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Edward Scissorhands.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: Kim enjoys sappy, sentimental chick flicks—big surprise! Well, would you guess just by looking at me that I also happen to love slasher films? Yes, you heard me right! Hellraiser, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street—I love them all! It's funny, movies like that weren't always my cup of tea. When I was younger, sometime before entering my turbulent teenage years, I used to have a real hard time with the sight of blood. I guess I grew out of it, because nowadays, that stuff doesn't even make me flinch.

I also absolutely adore cooking. After a long, stressful day, there's nothing I look forward to more than rolling up my sleeves, grabbing a real sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, and eventually slicing up some vegetables for a tasty stir-fry. Maybe it's the fragrant aroma of fresh herbs and spices sizzling on the stove that calms the spirit and makes the cares and worries of the day slip away. I wouldn't know. Usually, I'm in the bathroom cleaning my cuts while dinner's cooking.

That reminds me of another one of my favorite pastimes: gardening! For me, gardening is just like therapy, except that, with gardening, I'm usually all alone, so no one is there to ask me why I carved "Help me" into my arm.

Another thing you'd never guess about me is that I'm learning how to sew! Sure, it was frustrating at first, and yes, there were a few times when I got upset with the lack of progress I was making and responded by jabbing the needle repeatedly into my thigh, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. It was worth it, too. Now, I don't have to go to the tailor every time I need one of my skirts hemmed, or to the hospital every time I need stitches.

And that's only the beginning. I mean, I haven't even gotten to how much I like burning myself!

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