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Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

When I encounter people on the street or in the supermarket or at school, the first things they notice, I'm convinced, are the self-inflicted cuts and scars on my body. And sure, I can see how it might seem, at first glance, like I devote all my time to slashing and carving my skin. But nothing could be further from the truth.

For starters, I love to read. Be it fiction, nonfiction, health pamphlets warning against the dangers of self-mutilation—I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on. I guess I have an addictive personality, because once I pick up a book, or anything that's sharp, you practically have to wrestle me to the ground to get me to put it down. It's hard to explain, but the pleasure I get from books goes much deeper than just the words on the page. I love the way a book feels when I wrap my hands around it. That familiar smell that only a book has. Also, I very much enjoy how a single page, when held firmly between the index finger and thumb and pulled sharply against the flesh, can create a small, deeply satisfying cut.

And I love movies, too. Especially dramas like Girl, Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, and Secretary. Although if I had to choose, I'd probably have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Edward Scissorhands.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: Kim enjoys sappy, sentimental chick flicks—big surprise! Well, would you guess just by looking at me that I also happen to love slasher films? Yes, you heard me right! Hellraiser, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street—I love them all! It's funny, movies like that weren't always my cup of tea. When I was younger, sometime before entering my turbulent teenage years, I used to have a real hard time with the sight of blood. I guess I grew out of it, because nowadays, that stuff doesn't even make me flinch.

I also absolutely adore cooking. After a long, stressful day, there's nothing I look forward to more than rolling up my sleeves, grabbing a real sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, and eventually slicing up some vegetables for a tasty stir-fry. Maybe it's the fragrant aroma of fresh herbs and spices sizzling on the stove that calms the spirit and makes the cares and worries of the day slip away. I wouldn't know. Usually, I'm in the bathroom cleaning my cuts while dinner's cooking.

That reminds me of another one of my favorite pastimes: gardening! For me, gardening is just like therapy, except that, with gardening, I'm usually all alone, so no one is there to ask me why I carved "Help me" into my arm.

Another thing you'd never guess about me is that I'm learning how to sew! Sure, it was frustrating at first, and yes, there were a few times when I got upset with the lack of progress I was making and responded by jabbing the needle repeatedly into my thigh, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. It was worth it, too. Now, I don't have to go to the tailor every time I need one of my skirts hemmed, or to the hospital every time I need stitches.

And that's only the beginning. I mean, I haven't even gotten to how much I like burning myself!

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