Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

When I encounter people on the street or in the supermarket or at school, the first things they notice, I'm convinced, are the self-inflicted cuts and scars on my body. And sure, I can see how it might seem, at first glance, like I devote all my time to slashing and carving my skin. But nothing could be further from the truth.

For starters, I love to read. Be it fiction, nonfiction, health pamphlets warning against the dangers of self-mutilation—I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on. I guess I have an addictive personality, because once I pick up a book, or anything that's sharp, you practically have to wrestle me to the ground to get me to put it down. It's hard to explain, but the pleasure I get from books goes much deeper than just the words on the page. I love the way a book feels when I wrap my hands around it. That familiar smell that only a book has. Also, I very much enjoy how a single page, when held firmly between the index finger and thumb and pulled sharply against the flesh, can create a small, deeply satisfying cut.

And I love movies, too. Especially dramas like Girl, Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, and Secretary. Although if I had to choose, I'd probably have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Edward Scissorhands.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: Kim enjoys sappy, sentimental chick flicks—big surprise! Well, would you guess just by looking at me that I also happen to love slasher films? Yes, you heard me right! Hellraiser, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street—I love them all! It's funny, movies like that weren't always my cup of tea. When I was younger, sometime before entering my turbulent teenage years, I used to have a real hard time with the sight of blood. I guess I grew out of it, because nowadays, that stuff doesn't even make me flinch.

I also absolutely adore cooking. After a long, stressful day, there's nothing I look forward to more than rolling up my sleeves, grabbing a real sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, and eventually slicing up some vegetables for a tasty stir-fry. Maybe it's the fragrant aroma of fresh herbs and spices sizzling on the stove that calms the spirit and makes the cares and worries of the day slip away. I wouldn't know. Usually, I'm in the bathroom cleaning my cuts while dinner's cooking.

That reminds me of another one of my favorite pastimes: gardening! For me, gardening is just like therapy, except that, with gardening, I'm usually all alone, so no one is there to ask me why I carved "Help me" into my arm.

Another thing you'd never guess about me is that I'm learning how to sew! Sure, it was frustrating at first, and yes, there were a few times when I got upset with the lack of progress I was making and responded by jabbing the needle repeatedly into my thigh, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. It was worth it, too. Now, I don't have to go to the tailor every time I need one of my skirts hemmed, or to the hospital every time I need stitches.

And that's only the beginning. I mean, I haven't even gotten to how much I like burning myself!