Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hi, I Like To Cut Myself

When I encounter people on the street or in the supermarket or at school, the first things they notice, I'm convinced, are the self-inflicted cuts and scars on my body. And sure, I can see how it might seem, at first glance, like I devote all my time to slashing and carving my skin. But nothing could be further from the truth.

For starters, I love to read. Be it fiction, nonfiction, health pamphlets warning against the dangers of self-mutilation—I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on. I guess I have an addictive personality, because once I pick up a book, or anything that's sharp, you practically have to wrestle me to the ground to get me to put it down. It's hard to explain, but the pleasure I get from books goes much deeper than just the words on the page. I love the way a book feels when I wrap my hands around it. That familiar smell that only a book has. Also, I very much enjoy how a single page, when held firmly between the index finger and thumb and pulled sharply against the flesh, can create a small, deeply satisfying cut.

And I love movies, too. Especially dramas like Girl, Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, and Secretary. Although if I had to choose, I'd probably have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Edward Scissorhands.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: Kim enjoys sappy, sentimental chick flicks—big surprise! Well, would you guess just by looking at me that I also happen to love slasher films? Yes, you heard me right! Hellraiser, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street—I love them all! It's funny, movies like that weren't always my cup of tea. When I was younger, sometime before entering my turbulent teenage years, I used to have a real hard time with the sight of blood. I guess I grew out of it, because nowadays, that stuff doesn't even make me flinch.

I also absolutely adore cooking. After a long, stressful day, there's nothing I look forward to more than rolling up my sleeves, grabbing a real sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, and eventually slicing up some vegetables for a tasty stir-fry. Maybe it's the fragrant aroma of fresh herbs and spices sizzling on the stove that calms the spirit and makes the cares and worries of the day slip away. I wouldn't know. Usually, I'm in the bathroom cleaning my cuts while dinner's cooking.

That reminds me of another one of my favorite pastimes: gardening! For me, gardening is just like therapy, except that, with gardening, I'm usually all alone, so no one is there to ask me why I carved "Help me" into my arm.

Another thing you'd never guess about me is that I'm learning how to sew! Sure, it was frustrating at first, and yes, there were a few times when I got upset with the lack of progress I was making and responded by jabbing the needle repeatedly into my thigh, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. It was worth it, too. Now, I don't have to go to the tailor every time I need one of my skirts hemmed, or to the hospital every time I need stitches.

And that's only the beginning. I mean, I haven't even gotten to how much I like burning myself!

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