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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week

Hello, is this Megan? Hi, Megan, it's Patrick Hewitt from Brian's birthday party. Just calling to follow up on that make-out session we had last week. Do you have a minute? Great.

How have you been? Good, good. I'm doing well, too, thanks. Can't complain.

If I may, let me get to the point. I'm sure you must be very busy. Those were some very enjoyable French kisses we shared last week, weren't they? I thought the whole thing went very well. A little petting—not too much. Some nice lower-lip nibbling. Plenty of tongue. I thought we really clicked there. Are we on the same page here?

Anyway, just thought I'd give you a buzz to see if we wanted to follow up on that. I got your contact info from Alexandra. What do you say? Just throwing it out there.

Now, I did mean to call earlier, but it has been absolute hell around here. I've been running around like crazy. Busy week. You know how it is, I'm sure. But summer is the time to be busy, isn't it? I just love this time of year. I love to just get out there, have some fun, see people, do things.

So, I was thinking we might want to get together again, if you're up for that. No pressure. You can think about it if you need to. Then again, if we both know now, there's no need to mull. Make sense? Let's do it then, okay? Let's just decide to do it, if that's cool with you. Done.

Good. Then we have a "go" on a date, sometime in the next, oh, let's say 10 days. Let's give it a 10-day window. This time of year is hell. Busy, but that's good.

I've got a good feeling about this one. I don't want to jump the gun on it, but I think we might have a good time. Here's my basic pitch: I'm thinking dinner—something low-pressure, mid-price ethnic. Then drinks at my apartment. Maybe sex. Maybe a little sex. Of course, only if things progress at a good pace on the date, and we're both on the same page about it. Tell you what, we'll deal with that when the time comes. We definitely can just see what happens. Play it by ear. That's smart.

You know, maybe we should set a tentative day, just to get something on the books. Is that do-able? I've got an opening Saturday. You're already booked? How about Friday? Does that work for you? Let's do that, then. I'm pencilling you in: "Friday—Megan." One of us can call to confirm Thursday night. You call me or I'll call you—it doesn't matter. Know what, though? We should probably decide who calls who. Just so that we don't each expect the other to call, and then nobody calls. No sense accidentally getting our wires crossed. I'll call you.

We don't have to move on this too quickly. I'm sure you've got a few prospects out there floating around. I do, too. So let's just keep it loose at this stage, get together, see what goes. Keep it fun at this juncture. Sound good? Great.

Who knows, we might have a full-fledged fling on our hands by August if we get moving on it. I do have a few days off at the end of the month, so now might be a good time to start.

I'll shoot you an e-mail. Let me get you my Hotmail address. Best way to catch me. We can fire a few flirty e-mails back and forth during the week, then see if we can get some chemistry going.

Damn! I just remembered a previous engagement for this weekend that I can't get out of, so Friday isn't going to work for me after all. Let's say we'll touch base early next week and go from there. Sound good? Terrific.

I believe we're all set, then. Next week or so. Thanks again for the hot tongue action. I really did enjoy it. Okay, then, Megan. Talk to you soon. Great? Great!

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