adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week

Hello, is this Megan? Hi, Megan, it's Patrick Hewitt from Brian's birthday party. Just calling to follow up on that make-out session we had last week. Do you have a minute? Great.

How have you been? Good, good. I'm doing well, too, thanks. Can't complain.

If I may, let me get to the point. I'm sure you must be very busy. Those were some very enjoyable French kisses we shared last week, weren't they? I thought the whole thing went very well. A little petting—not too much. Some nice lower-lip nibbling. Plenty of tongue. I thought we really clicked there. Are we on the same page here?

Anyway, just thought I'd give you a buzz to see if we wanted to follow up on that. I got your contact info from Alexandra. What do you say? Just throwing it out there.

Now, I did mean to call earlier, but it has been absolute hell around here. I've been running around like crazy. Busy week. You know how it is, I'm sure. But summer is the time to be busy, isn't it? I just love this time of year. I love to just get out there, have some fun, see people, do things.

So, I was thinking we might want to get together again, if you're up for that. No pressure. You can think about it if you need to. Then again, if we both know now, there's no need to mull. Make sense? Let's do it then, okay? Let's just decide to do it, if that's cool with you. Done.

Good. Then we have a "go" on a date, sometime in the next, oh, let's say 10 days. Let's give it a 10-day window. This time of year is hell. Busy, but that's good.

I've got a good feeling about this one. I don't want to jump the gun on it, but I think we might have a good time. Here's my basic pitch: I'm thinking dinner—something low-pressure, mid-price ethnic. Then drinks at my apartment. Maybe sex. Maybe a little sex. Of course, only if things progress at a good pace on the date, and we're both on the same page about it. Tell you what, we'll deal with that when the time comes. We definitely can just see what happens. Play it by ear. That's smart.

You know, maybe we should set a tentative day, just to get something on the books. Is that do-able? I've got an opening Saturday. You're already booked? How about Friday? Does that work for you? Let's do that, then. I'm pencilling you in: "Friday—Megan." One of us can call to confirm Thursday night. You call me or I'll call you—it doesn't matter. Know what, though? We should probably decide who calls who. Just so that we don't each expect the other to call, and then nobody calls. No sense accidentally getting our wires crossed. I'll call you.

We don't have to move on this too quickly. I'm sure you've got a few prospects out there floating around. I do, too. So let's just keep it loose at this stage, get together, see what goes. Keep it fun at this juncture. Sound good? Great.

Who knows, we might have a full-fledged fling on our hands by August if we get moving on it. I do have a few days off at the end of the month, so now might be a good time to start.

I'll shoot you an e-mail. Let me get you my Hotmail address. Best way to catch me. We can fire a few flirty e-mails back and forth during the week, then see if we can get some chemistry going.

Damn! I just remembered a previous engagement for this weekend that I can't get out of, so Friday isn't going to work for me after all. Let's say we'll touch base early next week and go from there. Sound good? Terrific.

I believe we're all set, then. Next week or so. Thanks again for the hot tongue action. I really did enjoy it. Okay, then, Megan. Talk to you soon. Great? Great!

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close