Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week

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Vol 38 Issue 25

Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint

CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game

DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."

Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines

CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."

Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."

Executing The Mentally Retarded

The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
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Special Coverage

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week

Hello, is this Megan? Hi, Megan, it's Patrick Hewitt from Brian's birthday party. Just calling to follow up on that make-out session we had last week. Do you have a minute? Great.

How have you been? Good, good. I'm doing well, too, thanks. Can't complain.

If I may, let me get to the point. I'm sure you must be very busy. Those were some very enjoyable French kisses we shared last week, weren't they? I thought the whole thing went very well. A little petting—not too much. Some nice lower-lip nibbling. Plenty of tongue. I thought we really clicked there. Are we on the same page here?

Anyway, just thought I'd give you a buzz to see if we wanted to follow up on that. I got your contact info from Alexandra. What do you say? Just throwing it out there.

Now, I did mean to call earlier, but it has been absolute hell around here. I've been running around like crazy. Busy week. You know how it is, I'm sure. But summer is the time to be busy, isn't it? I just love this time of year. I love to just get out there, have some fun, see people, do things.

So, I was thinking we might want to get together again, if you're up for that. No pressure. You can think about it if you need to. Then again, if we both know now, there's no need to mull. Make sense? Let's do it then, okay? Let's just decide to do it, if that's cool with you. Done.

Good. Then we have a "go" on a date, sometime in the next, oh, let's say 10 days. Let's give it a 10-day window. This time of year is hell. Busy, but that's good.

I've got a good feeling about this one. I don't want to jump the gun on it, but I think we might have a good time. Here's my basic pitch: I'm thinking dinner—something low-pressure, mid-price ethnic. Then drinks at my apartment. Maybe sex. Maybe a little sex. Of course, only if things progress at a good pace on the date, and we're both on the same page about it. Tell you what, we'll deal with that when the time comes. We definitely can just see what happens. Play it by ear. That's smart.

You know, maybe we should set a tentative day, just to get something on the books. Is that do-able? I've got an opening Saturday. You're already booked? How about Friday? Does that work for you? Let's do that, then. I'm pencilling you in: "Friday—Megan." One of us can call to confirm Thursday night. You call me or I'll call you—it doesn't matter. Know what, though? We should probably decide who calls who. Just so that we don't each expect the other to call, and then nobody calls. No sense accidentally getting our wires crossed. I'll call you.

We don't have to move on this too quickly. I'm sure you've got a few prospects out there floating around. I do, too. So let's just keep it loose at this stage, get together, see what goes. Keep it fun at this juncture. Sound good? Great.

Who knows, we might have a full-fledged fling on our hands by August if we get moving on it. I do have a few days off at the end of the month, so now might be a good time to start.

I'll shoot you an e-mail. Let me get you my Hotmail address. Best way to catch me. We can fire a few flirty e-mails back and forth during the week, then see if we can get some chemistry going.

Damn! I just remembered a previous engagement for this weekend that I can't get out of, so Friday isn't going to work for me after all. Let's say we'll touch base early next week and go from there. Sound good? Terrific.

I believe we're all set, then. Next week or so. Thanks again for the hot tongue action. I really did enjoy it. Okay, then, Megan. Talk to you soon. Great? Great!

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