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Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche

CHRIST on His golden Throne above, it does smell.

All around us, throughout the Width, and Breadth, and Girth, of this our great new Republick, from every Hill and Dale, from the spring of the tiniest River-crick, to the Mouth of the mighty Atlantic Ocean Her self, from the most lowly Ditch, to the upper-most Branche of the tallest Oak tree, the very Aire we breathe, is at its best, a sick'ning Vapour & at its worst a poisonous Fume.

Great God, the STENCHE of it. The rotting and putrid ODOUR, of this en-tire Society, emanating in cease-less Wafts, from every Home, be it rich or poore, and from every publick Street-corner, of every Towne is, in truth, as unto a veritable Punishment from Hell, assailing as it does our NOSTRILES, without respite, un-mercifully.

At night, a Man and Wife, however virtuous in Morality and Piety, can barely manage to sleepe, due to the constant and overpowering CLOUDES of vilest stenche, which permeate their bed-room, and in fact every Nooke and Crannye of their House. Yet despite this prolonged AGONEY, in the day-time they will find them selves no better! for to greet the Dawn is an awakening to fresh HORRORS, as the FOULE-NESS of the Aire will only worsen.

Heaven's Hosts, help me & all of us.

The mal-ignant Aromas, of every Type, be they those of Sweate; or chamber-Pot; or Toothe Decaye; or Live-Stock; or Disease; or Infectktion; of rotting Cabbage; of gangrenous Amputations of the Battle field during the recent Contest with England; or of every bodily Orifice, human or animal, that God in His mercy has seen fit to endow Creation, do saturate the Atmo-sphere, at all Times. So terrifick is this un-ceasing Stenche, that where-ever one might meet another, the presence of the Living, from the Perspecktive of either Citizen's NOSE, should be almost indistinguishable, from that of the recent DEAD, so great is their number.

It is as if the Skinne, of ev'ry Man, Woman, and Childe, were crawling with an Army of tiny loathsome Creatures, too small to be seen, but cov'ring ev'ry square Inche, in a breeding-ground of FILTHE and CONTAGION, so that ev'ry Disease and Sick-ness, that a Person has ever had, can be quite easily smelt, when near him, or even at a considerable Distance.

Mother of Our LORD, it stinkes to high HEAVEN.

Yet these sentiments of COMPLAINT, offered here in these pages, are utterly use-less, because however loudly I might declaim my Protestations against these Indignities, the sad'ning Fact remains, that nothing may well be done. There is no Solution, to provide Relief from this constant ASSAULT on our olfactory SENSE, for it is our great Mis-fortune, each of us all, to have been borne in an Age, before the discovery of some sort of Physick, or Cleanser, or other REMEDY, as yet to be invented, that can eliminate such fetid and repellent SMELLES.

Therefore, we must all of us none-the-less bear this SUFF'RING, and continue to be o'er-whelmed by ODOUR, for as long as we shall live by Grace of GOD, until the end of our days shall deliver us unto the GRAVE.

We have no Choice, then, but to praye God & His Son for some glorious future Day in a more hygienic era, when our Descendants will, having achieved Technologickal PROGRESS, be blessed, by the innovations of man-kind, to live in a Nation that is free of Man's BEFOULMENTS for ever.

In the mean-time, will not someone, for the sake of Christ, crack a Windowe?

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