adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words

Be it Known, that the Scoundrel & Cat-A-Mite who goes by the Monniker of Noah WEBSTER, is presently at Work on the most Infernal and D——d of Bookes, that being a Dictionary, or a Sort of Primer or Manual, for the Spelling and Usage of the Written Worrd. It is, of Corse, Plain to all Rationnel Foulk that need'd we an Ary for our Diction, the LORD GODD HIM SELF would have design'd us One. For our Lingua Franca, Heven-decreed as it is, be meant to remane as Free as the Rivver-Curant or the Clowds; and this pompuss, detestible New-England School Marm should be a-Sham'd to assume he is more Qualliflied than his Fellow Man to instruck the Englysh Langguige & defy the Lord's Will with a pryggish Parlour-Game such as This. What is More, asks the Founding Editing-Master of this News Gazette, How is One Suppos'd To "Look-Up" A Word, to use the curious Parlence of the Dictionarists, when One does not even know how it is Spelt any How? Mark well these Words, Meny a Sensible young Scholar shall pose this Same Question to their Grammer-Profesors in the Countrie's Leurning-Academyes for Ages to come.

Have we, in this Newe Wourld, cast off one Tyrant, who would taxx our Tea and Gov'rn us from A Far, only to adopt an Other who would shew us How to Speak, and Standerdise our Speling with a Rod of Iyrn, and Up Braid our ev'ry Pronouncement, as does a Dictinrie? For those of Us who fondley recall our own eleven or twelf Hours of formel Schooling, learning our Letterrs from no less Imminent a Sorce than the Holey Byble, upon a Hickory-Bench with a sole Candel furnishing our Light, we say, a Resolute NAY; and hope that Noah Webster take up his Dicktion'ry, & all its Pages, and rub them in Sandd, & cuase them to become Coarse there-by; and then send it up his ver'y Fundament. For it is a Guiding Principel, not only of our new Repubblick, but of this Newses Paper, that no Man shall be told how to Spelle, nor to Speake, nor be Bounded by a Ruling that does not Agree with Himm. The ONNIYON wishes to edvise its Reader Ship to Take any Dixionnaire they might Find, and cast it into the near'st and hott'st Fyre withal; and perhaps a sim'lar Fate should be fall this Mr. Webst'r as well. And Be Ware, also, of Rogues who try to sell you on a Suppelment'ry Glossarie, or a beastly Thing known as a Thesaurus, as they too are compleatly malnecessarry.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close