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Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

Ever since THE ONION's luminous founding a quarter century ago'ne, this, the leading papermaking CHRONICKLE of noteworthy happenings in the colonys, has been engag'd in FAIR and OPEN competition for the reader's silver coin with other like pamphlets at market. To this I say, NEVER AGAIN. The Onion herewith rises beyonde its competitors throo the employ of a great INNOVATION in ink-printing knowne here-to-fore as ADVERT-TIZING; a concept of my design; which is a FEATURE ARTICKLE composed not by the press-man, but by a prominent SELLER OF WARES. Be he a peddler of wooden buckets, planting manure, dry'd corn, or Mustees, the merchant shall speake in direct addresse to the reader, commending the VIRTUE of his merchandise or commodity; unfetter'd under the opinion or independente appraisal made by THE ONION's editors or journalers. I pledge to print the seller's words without verifyiction of his claims; which would therewith constitute not only grave insult to his station, but foolish business pracktice. I further pledge to grant all members of the MERCHANT CLASS favoured placement on this parchment, in exchange for sterling, so that they might there by attrack't the attention of the reader to their note-worthy industry. Henceforth; THE ONION shall seeke to gain a REPUTATION as a proud delivery-carriage for the sales-man's wisdom, and in-so-doing encrease PROFITE for both he and THE ONION. Too oft'n the reason'd voice of honor'd Leaders of Trades in these colonies is render'd mute by the horse whinny of the lowborn. How are those of MONEY'D MEANS† or NOBLE DESCENT to be inform'd of the opinions of the letter'd merchant? They shall, in this very issuing of THE ONION. The BURGER-KINGGE, that Meat-ennobled Mon-Arch, shall lay a very Feate of Advert-Tizing upon our printed Pages, that shall fatten the Eye and Spiritt of the beholder, and the Wallette of this News-Pap'r; and the Manufactors of JAMESON's Soothing Elix-r, a most fortifying Licquid, shall also be free to Speke their Minds, regarding the Efficacy and Virtue of that Wond'rous Fluidd, an' as that flows forth, so shall flow, into our own coffers, great fulminating gouts of CASHEN-MONNEY. I foresee a prosperous future for this commerce-making enterprise. It is my sincerest hope that one day messages provoking thought in the reader, given him from the ADVERT-TIZER, will supplant in totality the unfounded musings of the journalers; who are in facte noth'g more than WILD MEN made tame by their wages from the printing press, in all news-chronickle pamphletry. P'rhaps one day the two shall join to one; the ink-besotted type-setter in the employ of the amalgamated merchant in a manner favorable to capital increase; therewith growing into a glorious commercial power in these states, indeed the world; one whose ability to exercise freedom, liberty and utility in a healthy bloodletting of the unlimited resources of our prolifick land, and the unwashed people toiling upon it, is limit'd only by his goode sense and the blessings of Providence.

Signed and warranted,

H. Ulysses Zweibel.

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