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Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

Ever since THE ONION's luminous founding a quarter century ago'ne, this, the leading papermaking CHRONICKLE of noteworthy happenings in the colonys, has been engag'd in FAIR and OPEN competition for the reader's silver coin with other like pamphlets at market. To this I say, NEVER AGAIN. The Onion herewith rises beyonde its competitors throo the employ of a great INNOVATION in ink-printing knowne here-to-fore as ADVERT-TIZING; a concept of my design; which is a FEATURE ARTICKLE composed not by the press-man, but by a prominent SELLER OF WARES. Be he a peddler of wooden buckets, planting manure, dry'd corn, or Mustees, the merchant shall speake in direct addresse to the reader, commending the VIRTUE of his merchandise or commodity; unfetter'd under the opinion or independente appraisal made by THE ONION's editors or journalers. I pledge to print the seller's words without verifyiction of his claims; which would therewith constitute not only grave insult to his station, but foolish business pracktice. I further pledge to grant all members of the MERCHANT CLASS favoured placement on this parchment, in exchange for sterling, so that they might there by attrack't the attention of the reader to their note-worthy industry. Henceforth; THE ONION shall seeke to gain a REPUTATION as a proud delivery-carriage for the sales-man's wisdom, and in-so-doing encrease PROFITE for both he and THE ONION. Too oft'n the reason'd voice of honor'd Leaders of Trades in these colonies is render'd mute by the horse whinny of the lowborn. How are those of MONEY'D MEANS† or NOBLE DESCENT to be inform'd of the opinions of the letter'd merchant? They shall, in this very issuing of THE ONION. The BURGER-KINGGE, that Meat-ennobled Mon-Arch, shall lay a very Feate of Advert-Tizing upon our printed Pages, that shall fatten the Eye and Spiritt of the beholder, and the Wallette of this News-Pap'r; and the Manufactors of JAMESON's Soothing Elix-r, a most fortifying Licquid, shall also be free to Speke their Minds, regarding the Efficacy and Virtue of that Wond'rous Fluidd, an' as that flows forth, so shall flow, into our own coffers, great fulminating gouts of CASHEN-MONNEY. I foresee a prosperous future for this commerce-making enterprise. It is my sincerest hope that one day messages provoking thought in the reader, given him from the ADVERT-TIZER, will supplant in totality the unfounded musings of the journalers; who are in facte noth'g more than WILD MEN made tame by their wages from the printing press, in all news-chronickle pamphletry. P'rhaps one day the two shall join to one; the ink-besotted type-setter in the employ of the amalgamated merchant in a manner favorable to capital increase; therewith growing into a glorious commercial power in these states, indeed the world; one whose ability to exercise freedom, liberty and utility in a healthy bloodletting of the unlimited resources of our prolifick land, and the unwashed people toiling upon it, is limit'd only by his goode sense and the blessings of Providence.

Signed and warranted,

H. Ulysses Zweibel.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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