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Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

Ever since THE ONION's luminous founding a quarter century ago'ne, this, the leading papermaking CHRONICKLE of noteworthy happenings in the colonys, has been engag'd in FAIR and OPEN competition for the reader's silver coin with other like pamphlets at market. To this I say, NEVER AGAIN. The Onion herewith rises beyonde its competitors throo the employ of a great INNOVATION in ink-printing knowne here-to-fore as ADVERT-TIZING; a concept of my design; which is a FEATURE ARTICKLE composed not by the press-man, but by a prominent SELLER OF WARES. Be he a peddler of wooden buckets, planting manure, dry'd corn, or Mustees, the merchant shall speake in direct addresse to the reader, commending the VIRTUE of his merchandise or commodity; unfetter'd under the opinion or independente appraisal made by THE ONION's editors or journalers. I pledge to print the seller's words without verifyiction of his claims; which would therewith constitute not only grave insult to his station, but foolish business pracktice. I further pledge to grant all members of the MERCHANT CLASS favoured placement on this parchment, in exchange for sterling, so that they might there by attrack't the attention of the reader to their note-worthy industry. Henceforth; THE ONION shall seeke to gain a REPUTATION as a proud delivery-carriage for the sales-man's wisdom, and in-so-doing encrease PROFITE for both he and THE ONION. Too oft'n the reason'd voice of honor'd Leaders of Trades in these colonies is render'd mute by the horse whinny of the lowborn. How are those of MONEY'D MEANS† or NOBLE DESCENT to be inform'd of the opinions of the letter'd merchant? They shall, in this very issuing of THE ONION. The BURGER-KINGGE, that Meat-ennobled Mon-Arch, shall lay a very Feate of Advert-Tizing upon our printed Pages, that shall fatten the Eye and Spiritt of the beholder, and the Wallette of this News-Pap'r; and the Manufactors of JAMESON's Soothing Elix-r, a most fortifying Licquid, shall also be free to Speke their Minds, regarding the Efficacy and Virtue of that Wond'rous Fluidd, an' as that flows forth, so shall flow, into our own coffers, great fulminating gouts of CASHEN-MONNEY. I foresee a prosperous future for this commerce-making enterprise. It is my sincerest hope that one day messages provoking thought in the reader, given him from the ADVERT-TIZER, will supplant in totality the unfounded musings of the journalers; who are in facte noth'g more than WILD MEN made tame by their wages from the printing press, in all news-chronickle pamphletry. P'rhaps one day the two shall join to one; the ink-besotted type-setter in the employ of the amalgamated merchant in a manner favorable to capital increase; therewith growing into a glorious commercial power in these states, indeed the world; one whose ability to exercise freedom, liberty and utility in a healthy bloodletting of the unlimited resources of our prolifick land, and the unwashed people toiling upon it, is limit'd only by his goode sense and the blessings of Providence.

Signed and warranted,

H. Ulysses Zweibel.

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