Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

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Vol 30 Issue 18

Mit Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

Area Stand-Up Comedian Questions The Deal With Drive-Thru Windows

ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.

Shareware Fee Paid

SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.

People Don't Like To Look At Me In Traffic

In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute to the well-being of my fellow man, because Lord only knows how much longer we'll be stranded together on this crazy rock.

Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.
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Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.

And because it is the holidays, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on some of the great holiday movies of days past and talk about the bad holiday movies of today, which are not very good. Merry Christmas!

I went to see a movie called The Jingle Way Man that is about a man who must go shopping for a toy because he wishes to spread some holiday cheer to his young son. (I do not have any children of my own, but I have spent many a year buying a present for my nephew Kenneth, who is now 27 and never comes over, even when I call him and tell him the gutter is full of garbage.) And in this movie the man was of foreign heritage. He spoke with a heavy accent and carried himself in a most amusing manner because he kept falling over into the fountain, and once he even dropped a bunch of packages onto a broad's head and broke her hat.

There was also a mailman in the film who was chasing the man, and they both made jackasses of themselves. Although maybe that was a different movie. In conclusion, there are better movies to see than Jingling To The Mall this holiday season.

When I was a young man of 24 (that was many years ago!) I used to go shopping in the downtown area of our city, and there were tiny elves in store windows, and the lights, oh, how they sparkled in the night and people would ring bells that made the air sound like it was full of ringing bells!

Then there was the Christmas season when I first started courting the ladies. Ah, I remember it as if it were only a few years ago. For example, there was the one woman named Clandice whose brother was a roustabout at the local carnival. But the carnival was closed during the holidays, and that was just fine with me and Clandice because it was too cold to take a spin on the ferris wheel, anyhow. So Clandice and I would walk down to the lake where men of character could be seen ice fishing, and then once I caught her under the mistletoe and gave her a smooch right in her bathroom!

Those were the days! And we would go to holiday movies that would make you happy to be watching, such as The Nuns And The Bells, which was about some women who ran a school and they were dressed as nuns, I think because they were nuns. And these women taught the boys to box and to always remember their school.

Why do no children today have the school spirit? I was proud to attend Beaver Dam High School, though I did not go to college because I was anxious to join the service and see the sights. Then in the movie it was Christmas Eve, and one little girl didn't have any parents except for a mother. And her mother was a common harlot, so the girl did bad on a test, and they kicked her out of school. I do not remember how The Bells And The Nuns ended, except I hope it had a happy ending because thinking of that girl now is bringing a frown to my face, and I do not want to be sad during the holidays.

Another movie that is good to watch while you have your family gathered around the hearth (although it is not good to watch movies on the television. I much prefer seeing them in a movie theater where you are allowed to smoke a cigar during the picture, because my wife Toots does not let me smoke cigars in the house. I used to frequent a particular theater which was at that time called The Orpheus, and they would have candied delights for one and all. But you had to pay for them. Some things never change!)

What was I saying before? Oh, yes. Another good holiday movie is called The Wonderful Life Of Mr. Smith, and it is about a man who wants to jump off a bridge, but he instead decides to go to Washington (our nation's capital city) to become a senator, and then an angel comes down and steals some money, and there is also a scene where a druggist slaps the ear of a young boy. And a cop fires a gun, which is rather violent! Anyway, at the end of the movie everyone is happy because it is snowing and everyone is drunk. They do not make movies like that anymore. We used to call them "moving film" in those days, because they were moving pictures.

I hope that my nephew Kenneth will come to visit me this Christmas, although I don't think he will because last year I told his mother that her hair looked like a dirty old rat. Toots will not let me drink nog of egg this year for that reason. But I do not blame her. I hung a wreath on the door and it looks rather festive.

Happy holidays from the Silver Screen! And ho, ho, ho! And watch some holiday movies that I have mentioned if they come to your town. Toots cannot find our Christmas decorations, and I think it is because she accidentally gave them to a vagrant who said he was from the Salvation Army. Where does the time go?

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted from The Butternut Gazette in Butternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

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