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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I wished to find out the latest developments in the wake of my rescue, so I summoned my man-servant Standish. I was pleased to receive the news that my nemesis and kidnapper, Black Scarlet, or as he is better known, "Freddie Mercury," had already been convicted in a swift trial and sentenced to 4,800 years in prison with no possible hope of parole. Apparently, this crushed his legions of fanatics and hangers-on, who had learned only recently that he was still alive. But I was jubiliant. Haven't I always insisted that all enemies of the Zweibels meet ignoble ends?

How-ever, to my deep chagrin, the wicked ro-bot Mr. Tin, who supplied Black Scarlet with the where-abouts of my fortune, is still at large, and has not been seen since he fled the law with the assistance of fire-shooting propelling devices on the bottoms of his massive metal feet. Who knows what nefarious plans for revenge are whirling in his sinister metallurgical brain!

Standish also told me that there was a victory parade in the village near the estate commemorating my triumphant home-coming. There were marching bands, horses, balloons, and ticker-tape, and I my-self was propped up on a float gayly decorated with magnolia boughs and colorful ribbons. Unfortunately, I was comatose at the time, and have no recollection of the event. A pity, as I love parades.

I have decided to write a book about the traumatic events of these past few months. Standish suggested I give it the some-what droll title of Zweibel's Travels, but I prefer A Shocking True-Life Account Of My Sudden Plunge Into Poverty, My Grievous Exile, And My Subsequent And Thrilling Recovery And Restoration Of My Wealth, And How You Never Lifted A Single Finger To Help Me Even When I Was On Death's Very Door-step, You Filthy Cock-suckers. Yes, I'm talking about you! I learned many important lessons during my wanderings, but the one I shall remember most is that you are all a bunch of heart-less swine. Screw you all to the last man!

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