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Honestly, This Might Not Be The Best Time To Get On Down To Rooney Honda

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Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

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Honestly, This Might Not Be The Best Time To Get On Down To Rooney Honda

You want Hondas? We got Hondas! We here at Chuck Rooney Honda have given you the best deals on new and used Hondas for over 19 years. It's customers like you who made us the region's No. 1 certified Honda dealership, we value your business, and that is what makes what I'm about to say so very difficult: Now might not actually be the absolute best time to get on down to Rooney Honda and check out our inventory.

We could definitely sell you a Honda—zero percent financing and no payments for six months, if that's what you want—but due to some recent circumstances I don't want to get into, I'd really have to advise against it.

I would even go as far as to say you should definitely keep on driving that same old hunk of junk you've had for years instead of letting us put you behind the wheel of a brand-new Honda today.

In the past, we've had celebrity appearances, circus animals, and free balloons to attract and entertain customers. But right now there's nothing here that children, or any decent person, would be interested in, nor will there be at any point in the near future. Have you thought about spending time with your family, maybe looking through old photos or reading a story to your kids? That's probably more important than Rooney Honda sending you home in a fuel- efficient Insight hybrid hatchback.

There have been far, far better times to buy a new or certified pre-owned Accord, Civic, or Odyssey. As recently as last week, in fact, at the annual Hondarama Sales and Savings Event. You really should have come by then.

If you did, hypothetically, come down, the best you could hope for is a cup of coffee, with powdered creamer "on us," if you'll excuse the patronizing language. Believe me, you'd be better off saving on gas and making a cup at home. And it would be easier on us, too.

Don't worry: The largest selection of Hondas in the four-county area is not going anywhere. It will still be here when the various attorneys and investigators representing the concerned parties have had time to complete their inquiries, and when that day arrives, you can be certain our entire inventory will be liquidated at the amazing prices Rooney Honda is known for but not currently able to offer.

Our dedicated team of friendly sales professionals has been on edge lately; please, just give them some breathing room. If you feel you absolutely must have a Honda right now, we'd appreciate it if you'd just get out the yellow pages and find a dealership in another town.

And for God's sake, don't mistake this as a bid for sympathy. The problems we're facing at the moment go far beyond anything the sale of a few 2011 Ridgeline trucks with free XM radio for 12 months could fix. We're going to get through this bad patch, but it will take some time before we're ready to go completely crazy and cut our profit margins to the bone in an everything-must-go weekend sale-abration or holiday blowout again.

If you don't believe me, check your Sunday paper for more detailed reasons why I don't recommend coming down to Rooney Honda.

Incidentally, have you thought about getting a Nissan? Those are fine automobiles. I'd suggest you at least check out what Brown-Smalley Nissan on Hillman Road is offering before you come to us demanding a Honda.

Technically, yes, we're open for business. We here at Rooney Honda are required by law to sell a car to anyone who qualifies for our normally low-low financing. But those cars honestly aren't priced to move. We know. This is our business.

So, to be clear, that's Rooney Honda, right on Route. When you see the inflatable gorilla near exit 14 on the turnpike, just keep driving and please, please don't look back.

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