adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Honey, I Said Some Things I Didn't Mean To Say Out Loud

Darling, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. I don't think we've ever gotten into a fight like that before. But I just want you to know that those cruel things I said, well, I didn't mean a single word of them to be said out loud. I swear.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you say things you don't actually mean to let slip out. Like when I called you a "shallow, clothes-obsessed hagbeast"? To be honest, I was angry. You hurt me, and I lashed out unfairly and audibly. Can you ever forgive me for articulating my true feelings?

Please don't take all those things I said seriously, sweetheart. Never in a million years did I mean for you to hear that you're a "frigid bitch." I hate using the F-word. That was for my inner dialogue only.

I know how much I must have hurt you. And I know I shouldn't take my frustrations with you out on you. I should just mutter under my breath and punch the steering wheel on my way to work like I usually do.

Of course, those things I said aren't what I officially think about you. How could they be? I thought enough of you to marry you, didn't I? Do you really think I would want to spend the rest of my life with "a vapid, materialistic shrew who cares more about her precious fucking kitchen renovations than about her own husband"? Of course not. Work has just been really stressful lately. I'm sure once it cools down, I'll be back to normal, and I'll never again voice my true feelings like that.

You have to keep in mind that when people get angry, they say stupid things. When you told me your credit card was maxed out, I just snapped. I don't know why. So, please, dry those tears, dear heart. Forget all those things I said out loud. "Leathery, slack-titted gorgon" was just a meaningless string of words that popped into my head but never should have flown out my mouth.

Half the things I said don't even make any sense for me to vocalize. I mean, what does the phrase "spoiled, cultureless, plastic-surgery-deformed succubus" even mean? Don't you agree that it makes no sense? If so, we agree that it was just utter nonsense that never should have been said out loud. I should think I could come up with better insults if I genuinely wanted to, but why would I want to? You're so very precious to me.

And if you could possibly find it in your heart, I'd really appreciate if you disregarded the fact that I listed your faults in alphabetical order. I've been able to do that since I was young—it's a blessing and a curse. If my mother were still alive, you could ask her. And since I was really struggling with W and Z, you could tell I was just making that stuff up off the top of my head. Before you know it, we'll be laughing about me saying things like, "W is for Whore phone... ring, ring, it's for you," and "Z is for the Zoo cages your half of the bedroom resembles." I'm kind of laughing already.

I know how much my words have stung and, believe me, I'm truly sorry. Instead of taking them out on you, I should have bottled them up and screamed them into the mirror while you were away at your stupid shrink. That's what I pay him $300 an hour for, right?

Don't worry, sweetie. I'm all better now. Forget the mean man you just saw. He's long gone. Now, gimme a hug, you evil, soulless harpie.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close