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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Honey, I Said Some Things I Didn't Mean To Say Out Loud

Darling, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. I don't think we've ever gotten into a fight like that before. But I just want you to know that those cruel things I said, well, I didn't mean a single word of them to be said out loud. I swear.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you say things you don't actually mean to let slip out. Like when I called you a "shallow, clothes-obsessed hagbeast"? To be honest, I was angry. You hurt me, and I lashed out unfairly and audibly. Can you ever forgive me for articulating my true feelings?

Please don't take all those things I said seriously, sweetheart. Never in a million years did I mean for you to hear that you're a "frigid bitch." I hate using the F-word. That was for my inner dialogue only.

I know how much I must have hurt you. And I know I shouldn't take my frustrations with you out on you. I should just mutter under my breath and punch the steering wheel on my way to work like I usually do.

Of course, those things I said aren't what I officially think about you. How could they be? I thought enough of you to marry you, didn't I? Do you really think I would want to spend the rest of my life with "a vapid, materialistic shrew who cares more about her precious fucking kitchen renovations than about her own husband"? Of course not. Work has just been really stressful lately. I'm sure once it cools down, I'll be back to normal, and I'll never again voice my true feelings like that.

You have to keep in mind that when people get angry, they say stupid things. When you told me your credit card was maxed out, I just snapped. I don't know why. So, please, dry those tears, dear heart. Forget all those things I said out loud. "Leathery, slack-titted gorgon" was just a meaningless string of words that popped into my head but never should have flown out my mouth.

Half the things I said don't even make any sense for me to vocalize. I mean, what does the phrase "spoiled, cultureless, plastic-surgery-deformed succubus" even mean? Don't you agree that it makes no sense? If so, we agree that it was just utter nonsense that never should have been said out loud. I should think I could come up with better insults if I genuinely wanted to, but why would I want to? You're so very precious to me.

And if you could possibly find it in your heart, I'd really appreciate if you disregarded the fact that I listed your faults in alphabetical order. I've been able to do that since I was young—it's a blessing and a curse. If my mother were still alive, you could ask her. And since I was really struggling with W and Z, you could tell I was just making that stuff up off the top of my head. Before you know it, we'll be laughing about me saying things like, "W is for Whore phone... ring, ring, it's for you," and "Z is for the Zoo cages your half of the bedroom resembles." I'm kind of laughing already.

I know how much my words have stung and, believe me, I'm truly sorry. Instead of taking them out on you, I should have bottled them up and screamed them into the mirror while you were away at your stupid shrink. That's what I pay him $300 an hour for, right?

Don't worry, sweetie. I'm all better now. Forget the mean man you just saw. He's long gone. Now, gimme a hug, you evil, soulless harpie.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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