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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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How About We Go Outside And Settle This Like Emotionally Stunted Men?

Listen, buddy, you’ve been pissing me off all night. I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m getting sick of your shit. So enough talk. Let’s do this. Let’s go outside and settle this like emotionally stunted men.

Forget the bouncers. Forget our friends. It’s just gonna be you, me, and our fragile egos that render us incapable of dealing with conflict in a socially responsible manner.

Let’s go, asshole. You’re about ready to see I’m not the kind of guy who just sits back and handles grievances constructively. If you think I’m some pussy who has enough self-esteem to let an insult roll off his back, you’ve got another thing coming. So let’s refuse to calm down or back off and instead allow this situation to spin out of control like the developmentally arrested little boys we effectively are. That is, unless you’re not man enough by the criteria of my very limited and damaging conception of manhood.

Come on, motherfucker. I’m not afraid of you or anything else, with the exception of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable with another human being.

If you don’t get out of my face in the next three seconds I’ll beat you down the same way I’ve beaten down every genuine emotion I’ve ever experienced until the only feeling I’m still able to express is rage. You picked the wrong broken, emotionally insecure guy to mess with tonight, and I think it’s time for a throwdown between your toxic ideas of masculinity and mine.

What the fuck did you just say? Nobody talks to me that way, or in any other way that would challenge my fragile conception of self. What the hell is your problem, man? If it’s the fact that you’re also unable to channel the bare minimum of empathy necessary to resolve this conflict without violence, then you’re in luck, pal.

We can just step out into the parking lot and settle this man to man to inner child still starved for the approval and affection of his distant father.

Oh, it’s on now, you sonofabitch. Tonight, you dredged up a lifetime’s worth of inadequacies that have repeatedly sabotaged my chances of developing into a mature adult, and because I have no other way of dealing with that frustration, you’re about to get your fuckin’ ass kicked. Hell, I’ll even take on your friends, as long as it allows me to continue avoiding a serious examination of the roots of my own anger.

Unless you’ve got a better idea, tough guy.

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