How to Make a Newspaper Hat

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Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.

Nurse! There's an enor-mous spider in my room! Back, you devil's harbinger, back I say! Where is that hideous mammal-beast of a nurse?

She's probably jabbering upon the telephone device, I wager, frittering away my fortune on telephone bills while she arranges her sweaty midnight trysts with her debauched paramour.

I can see those two wriggling away like two fat eels while I suffer unmentionable agonies in my cold and lonely chamber! Wretched nurse, come and kill this spider!

Wait. Never mind, it's my catheter.

Anyhow, to make a newspaper hat, first obtain a newspaper. For the newspaper, may I suggest the Brickton Atlas-Trumpet. I suggest the Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, because it certainly does not do as reading material. In fact, the Trumpet is not even suitable for wrapping fish!

Curse you, Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, and its editor, P. Oliver Gummidge! You think you're so smart because you scooped us with your muckraking exposé of the Beef Trust! As God is my witness, I'll ruin you!

Take a section of the paper and fold it lengthwise. Then fold it again. Then take the corners and fold them back to create triangles. Then fold it in half. Fold once again, bend back, score the edges you have just folded, then take some airplane glue and affix the scored edges to the top of the hat's crown. Then fold once again.

Are you following me? There's 14 more steps to go. No, no, you're doing it all wrong! Don't score the corners, score the edges! The edges!

You damn kids today can't do anything right! You spend all your time idly listening to that consarned Amos and Andy on the wireless and refuse to learn a trade! To hell with you all!

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