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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.

Nurse! There's an enor-mous spider in my room! Back, you devil's harbinger, back I say! Where is that hideous mammal-beast of a nurse?

She's probably jabbering upon the telephone device, I wager, frittering away my fortune on telephone bills while she arranges her sweaty midnight trysts with her debauched paramour.

I can see those two wriggling away like two fat eels while I suffer unmentionable agonies in my cold and lonely chamber! Wretched nurse, come and kill this spider!

Wait. Never mind, it's my catheter.

Anyhow, to make a newspaper hat, first obtain a newspaper. For the newspaper, may I suggest the Brickton Atlas-Trumpet. I suggest the Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, because it certainly does not do as reading material. In fact, the Trumpet is not even suitable for wrapping fish!

Curse you, Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, and its editor, P. Oliver Gummidge! You think you're so smart because you scooped us with your muckraking exposé of the Beef Trust! As God is my witness, I'll ruin you!

Take a section of the paper and fold it lengthwise. Then fold it again. Then take the corners and fold them back to create triangles. Then fold it in half. Fold once again, bend back, score the edges you have just folded, then take some airplane glue and affix the scored edges to the top of the hat's crown. Then fold once again.

Are you following me? There's 14 more steps to go. No, no, you're doing it all wrong! Don't score the corners, score the edges! The edges!

You damn kids today can't do anything right! You spend all your time idly listening to that consarned Amos and Andy on the wireless and refuse to learn a trade! To hell with you all!

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