adBlockCheck

How to Stretch Your Social Security Dollars

Top Headlines

Finance

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

How to Stretch Your Social Security Dollars

Casino Corner

Times are tight. And let me tell ya, Gramps, those Capitol Hill types ain’t exactly eager to slip you a coupla extra clams in the old Social Security. For this you worked 40 years at the coal chute? It seems the only part of retired you got was tired! You don’t even have two nickels to rub together after buying your Poligrip and Spam and maybe a nice pint of rye.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you just ain’t trying hard enough. You ain’t a mummy yet! And I know what you’re gonna say, you can’t afford it. Hell, you can’t afford not to! Because I got a place where we turn dreams into dollars—and the drinks are free! I own the Metro Plaza Casino Resort, the ideal place to adjust your personal finances!

Maybe you’re wondering about the cost. You shouldn’t, ’cause like I said, this is a place that makes your greenbacks work harder for you. What you silver foxes gotta do when you get that Social Security check is cash it immediately and come to the Metro.

We got all sorts of investment plans, and every one of ’em is a load of fun. If you wanna start out slow, there’s the slot machines, what you antique types call one-armed bandits. It’s like a vending machine for quarters. You stick in a quarter, and, well, sometimes the vending machine, it’s a bit balky, but what do you expect from these new-fangled contraptions? And, anyhow, if you have good old-fashioned American stick-to-itiveness, a flood of money will come pouring out, just like in the Bible.

It’s nice here at the Metro, a true getaway. It’s decorated like a Roman circus and if that ain’t your style, we got a room all decked out like a riverboat with Wild West gals in big skirts and feathers. There’s plenty of cheap meals, too—like all-you-can-eat prime rib for three bucks! And, if you get tired from the excitement, we understand. You can sit at the Blackjack tables. We keep the heat up nice and high for you olds.

Now I know you’re saying to yourself—you weren’t born yesterday. And may-be you heard that our casino games here have been associated with gambling. I say sure, that can go on at my joint. I can’t be everywhere at once, can I?

The stock market these days, now that is gambling, my gray-headed friends. It’s like 1929 all over again every day out there, and you remember how bad that was.

There’s no loaded dice at the Metro, old friends. Just the honest, fun, money-making dice that’ll make you rich. So come on down, and don’t forget those Social Security checks!

Finance Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close