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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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How to Stretch Your Social Security Dollars

Casino Corner

Times are tight. And let me tell ya, Gramps, those Capitol Hill types ain’t exactly eager to slip you a coupla extra clams in the old Social Security. For this you worked 40 years at the coal chute? It seems the only part of retired you got was tired! You don’t even have two nickels to rub together after buying your Poligrip and Spam and maybe a nice pint of rye.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you just ain’t trying hard enough. You ain’t a mummy yet! And I know what you’re gonna say, you can’t afford it. Hell, you can’t afford not to! Because I got a place where we turn dreams into dollars—and the drinks are free! I own the Metro Plaza Casino Resort, the ideal place to adjust your personal finances!

Maybe you’re wondering about the cost. You shouldn’t, ’cause like I said, this is a place that makes your greenbacks work harder for you. What you silver foxes gotta do when you get that Social Security check is cash it immediately and come to the Metro.

We got all sorts of investment plans, and every one of ’em is a load of fun. If you wanna start out slow, there’s the slot machines, what you antique types call one-armed bandits. It’s like a vending machine for quarters. You stick in a quarter, and, well, sometimes the vending machine, it’s a bit balky, but what do you expect from these new-fangled contraptions? And, anyhow, if you have good old-fashioned American stick-to-itiveness, a flood of money will come pouring out, just like in the Bible.

It’s nice here at the Metro, a true getaway. It’s decorated like a Roman circus and if that ain’t your style, we got a room all decked out like a riverboat with Wild West gals in big skirts and feathers. There’s plenty of cheap meals, too—like all-you-can-eat prime rib for three bucks! And, if you get tired from the excitement, we understand. You can sit at the Blackjack tables. We keep the heat up nice and high for you olds.

Now I know you’re saying to yourself—you weren’t born yesterday. And may-be you heard that our casino games here have been associated with gambling. I say sure, that can go on at my joint. I can’t be everywhere at once, can I?

The stock market these days, now that is gambling, my gray-headed friends. It’s like 1929 all over again every day out there, and you remember how bad that was.

There’s no loaded dice at the Metro, old friends. Just the honest, fun, money-making dice that’ll make you rich. So come on down, and don’t forget those Social Security checks!

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