Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates!

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Vol 30 Issue 15

Reedsburg Chamber Of Commerce:'Come Grow With Us'

REEDSBURG, OH—According to the Reedsburg Chamber of Commerce, the small Central Ohio town is a great place to relocate a family or business. "Reedsburg Is On The Grow!" said Chamber of Commerce President Fred Frisch, unveiling Reedsburg's new slogan. Frisch added that if you visit Reedsburg, "You'll Like What You See" as, with its low crime rate, clean water and great schools, the town is "A Perfect 10!" Frisch then broke down in tears, adding, "Please move here. The county really needs the tax revenue. We're desperate."

Single-Parent Families Get 'A' Rating ,From Drug Kingpin

ST. LOUIS—Area drug lord Darryl "Cootie-Fish" Jackson gave an "A" rating to single-parent families Monday. "A child raised by one parent is more likely to rebel," Jackson said. "For me, that's great for business." He also commended the nation's moral decay in recent years. "I applaud this decay, and I hope to fill this moral vacuum with drugs." The "A" award was presented at the corner of Third and Dempsey near Fat Sam's Liquors. Receiving "F" grades from Jackson were the St. Louis Police Department, Sesame Street and NBC, for the network's "The More You Know" public-service messages.

Claire Danes Fantasized About

VAN NUYS, CA—Actress Claire Danes, 17, was fantasized about Monday evening by Van Nuys plumber Doug Blodes, 38. "I have been impressed with Danes' acting skills and nubile body ever since first seeing her on My So-Called Life," Blodes said. "Unfortunately, she was only 14 at the time, and I was unable to bring myself to fantasize about her. Though she is still a year away from legal maturity, after seeing her in Romeo and Juliet recently, I could wait no longer." Blodes added he looks forward to the eventual video release of Romeo and Juliet, so that he can "enjoy the film" in the privacy of his own home.

Local Youth To Insert Coin

EVANSTON, IL—According to sources, Evanston resident Danny Vebber, 16, will insert a coin later this afternoon. Though not confirmed, it is believed the coin will be dropped into a Mortal Kombat II video game machine. "Danny's planned coin insertion does not surprise me," Northwestern University professor of sociology Herman Janks said. "The average 16-year-old boy spends the majority of his day inserting coins, whether it be into video games, soda machines or cigarette dispensers. And when these teens aren't inserting coins, they're usually busy looking for more coins to insert." According to Janks, by the time a boy like Vebber turns 17, he will have inserted more than 31,000 coins into some 4,800 slots.

Burundi Asks Neighbor To Keep It Down

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI—Fed up with the constant noise, Burundi asked neighboring nation Zaire to "please keep it down" Tuesday. "We cannot get anything done around here with all that racket you're making," Burundi Prime Minister Antoine Nduwayo told Zaire. "Can you please hold your upheaval somewhere else, or at least do it more quietly? There are other countries that live around here, you know." Nduwayo added that Burundi's other neighbor, Rwanda, is "not much better."

Ro-Bots Are Trying To Kill Me

I'm often asked about the role of technology in our society, and whether it is ultimately beneficial or destructive. My reply: Technology is a scourge which must be abolished! I know this first-hand, for, as of this writing, a vast army of mechanical men surrounds my estate, ready to wipe me off the map!

Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates!

Well, Jean's got some bad news for you: Lady is no more! Longtime readers of my column need not ask who Lady is, but for the benefit of you newcomers, Lady is my 1981 Plymouth Sundance coupe. For nearly a decade, Lady took me to work, carried my groceries and, most recently, accompanied me to RomantiCon '96 in Milwaukee.

Lady was no Dodge Viper (heck, she was no Dodge Dart!), but she saw to my transportation needs as reliably as any other vehicle. (You'll notice how I refer to her as a person, because to me, she really was a good friend!)

Three weeks ago, I finally had to give her up because both her transmission and alignment were shot, and the repairs would have cost several hundred dollars. I was willing to spend it, but leave it to that old killjoy, hubby Rick, to put his foot down! "The old deathtrap isn't even worth the sales tax on the repairs!" he yelled. (Deathtrap? His Chevy pickup drips more oil than a supertanker!) I sure felt like a heel when I left Lady behind at the mechanic's. Please forgive me, Lady! I'll always treasure all the good times we had, like when we'd be cruising on the highway, and I'd sing along to the oldies station. (I think I'm gonna bawl!)

Anyway, my new car is a 1989 Pontiac Sunfire, which Rick and I bought from one of his co-workers at the tire center for $1,700. I only had $700 in my account, so Rick agreed to cover the rest, and I could pay him back. And if you're thinking that hubby Rick has turned over a new leaf, guess again. Turns out Rick did it only because he decided to retire his pickup for the winter and neglected to tell me! So now he thinks that just because he paid for my new car he has as much right to drive it as I do!

Then Rick had the gall to dictate to me what the vanity license plates were going to say! I had made up my mind a long time ago that when I got a new car, I would get vanity plates that read, "CHCLIT," after my favorite pastime... chocolate! But I made the fatal mistake of telling Rick about my plans. "No way is our new car going to say 'chiclet'!" he hollered.

Now, Rick had never given vanity plates one minute of thought in his life, but once I brought it up, he suddenly was ready with a million (bad) ideas!

The first one he came up with was "STUDDD," with three Ds. Can you see me driving a car with "STUDDD" on the license plates? Imagine the catcalls I'd get! Besides, the only thing studly about Rick is the rivets on his Levi's!

Rick's next suggestion was even worse. He wouldn't tell me what "BBFOXX" meant, but I figured it out right away. Ever since high school he's had the biggest crush on that bimbo "actress," Barbi Benton. Never mind that she's probably 50 years old by now with boobs that hang down to her belly button, but to hubby Rick she'll always be that foxy Playboy centerfold!

So just for fun, I came up with "SWAYZE," and of course Rick started fuming about what I saw in "that transvestite fag from that Wu Wang Foo flick." Geez, lighten up, Rick... it was only a movie!

We continued this charade for the entire afternoon. Rick "thought" up "BEEEER," "COLT45," "METALL" and "FUNYCR"—all completely ridiculous! I almost liked his "CLSF77" (short for "Class of '77") but I decided I didn't want people guessing my age from my license plates. And, naturally, Rick hated my "PRECMO" (for Precious Moments); "MAXNCL" (Max and Clementine, my two kitties); and "BOLTON."

I was just about ready to throw in the towel and get the normal, boring plates when we finally agreed on "TESDLE," for Teasdale. It was far from what either of us wanted, but I figured it was worth it to preserve marital harmony. Only now I have to contend with people always asking me what my plates mean! I swear, every time I go to the supermarket or park my car at work, someone makes a comment. At first it was cute, but now it's annoying! Is it really anyone's business?

Just yesterday, as I was driving to the Pamida on Monroe Boulevard, a bunch of teenagers cruising the strip pulled up next to me and yelled, "Your plates suck, you stupid fat cow!" Then they squealed off, making obscene gestures.

I was on the verge of tears. I can't believe how cruel people can be sometimes! America is a free country and you can have anything you want on your vanity plates as long as it's six characters or less! I wish I had copied down their own plates, but I was too stunned. I bet if Rick had let me use "CHCLIT," I wouldn't have had all this trouble.

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