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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

A good team means good players, so I sent my faithful man-servant Standish about the land to lure the finest professional foot-ballers to the Linotypists. "Come back with 'Blood' McNally, Red Grange, Ed Healey, Fats Henry, Jim Thorpe, and Roy Lyman," I barked at Standish, "or never darken my door again!" Sadly, he returned empty-handed, with the unfortunate news that all these players had passed away. The foot-balling is a cruel sport that does take its toll.

Unable to procure such legends, I had to settle for the village butcher, the smithy, and several burly convicts on furlough from the nearby penitentiary, with my ro-bot nurse as time-keeper and water-boy. Unfortunately, they are proving a collection of panty-waists and milk-sops. They insist on wearing helmets with protective metal grilling and pillows upon their shoulders, quenching their thirst with barrels of lemonade and refusing to follow the plays I have chosen from the Navy play-book! Why, Red Grange once lost part of his colon during a game against the Portsmouth Spartans, and he went on to score three touch-downs! Worst of all, I cannot break these sissies from forward-passing the ball.

I certainly hope I can get the Linotypists into some sort of fighting shape before our first game against the Decatur Staleys this Saturday at the rendering plant grounds. Anyhow, three cheers and a joyful u-rah rah rah for the Linotypists! See you game day!

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