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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

A good team means good players, so I sent my faithful man-servant Standish about the land to lure the finest professional foot-ballers to the Linotypists. "Come back with 'Blood' McNally, Red Grange, Ed Healey, Fats Henry, Jim Thorpe, and Roy Lyman," I barked at Standish, "or never darken my door again!" Sadly, he returned empty-handed, with the unfortunate news that all these players had passed away. The foot-balling is a cruel sport that does take its toll.

Unable to procure such legends, I had to settle for the village butcher, the smithy, and several burly convicts on furlough from the nearby penitentiary, with my ro-bot nurse as time-keeper and water-boy. Unfortunately, they are proving a collection of panty-waists and milk-sops. They insist on wearing helmets with protective metal grilling and pillows upon their shoulders, quenching their thirst with barrels of lemonade and refusing to follow the plays I have chosen from the Navy play-book! Why, Red Grange once lost part of his colon during a game against the Portsmouth Spartans, and he went on to score three touch-downs! Worst of all, I cannot break these sissies from forward-passing the ball.

I certainly hope I can get the Linotypists into some sort of fighting shape before our first game against the Decatur Staleys this Saturday at the rendering plant grounds. Anyhow, three cheers and a joyful u-rah rah rah for the Linotypists! See you game day!

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