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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

A good team means good players, so I sent my faithful man-servant Standish about the land to lure the finest professional foot-ballers to the Linotypists. "Come back with 'Blood' McNally, Red Grange, Ed Healey, Fats Henry, Jim Thorpe, and Roy Lyman," I barked at Standish, "or never darken my door again!" Sadly, he returned empty-handed, with the unfortunate news that all these players had passed away. The foot-balling is a cruel sport that does take its toll.

Unable to procure such legends, I had to settle for the village butcher, the smithy, and several burly convicts on furlough from the nearby penitentiary, with my ro-bot nurse as time-keeper and water-boy. Unfortunately, they are proving a collection of panty-waists and milk-sops. They insist on wearing helmets with protective metal grilling and pillows upon their shoulders, quenching their thirst with barrels of lemonade and refusing to follow the plays I have chosen from the Navy play-book! Why, Red Grange once lost part of his colon during a game against the Portsmouth Spartans, and he went on to score three touch-downs! Worst of all, I cannot break these sissies from forward-passing the ball.

I certainly hope I can get the Linotypists into some sort of fighting shape before our first game against the Decatur Staleys this Saturday at the rendering plant grounds. Anyhow, three cheers and a joyful u-rah rah rah for the Linotypists! See you game day!

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