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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

A good team means good players, so I sent my faithful man-servant Standish about the land to lure the finest professional foot-ballers to the Linotypists. "Come back with 'Blood' McNally, Red Grange, Ed Healey, Fats Henry, Jim Thorpe, and Roy Lyman," I barked at Standish, "or never darken my door again!" Sadly, he returned empty-handed, with the unfortunate news that all these players had passed away. The foot-balling is a cruel sport that does take its toll.

Unable to procure such legends, I had to settle for the village butcher, the smithy, and several burly convicts on furlough from the nearby penitentiary, with my ro-bot nurse as time-keeper and water-boy. Unfortunately, they are proving a collection of panty-waists and milk-sops. They insist on wearing helmets with protective metal grilling and pillows upon their shoulders, quenching their thirst with barrels of lemonade and refusing to follow the plays I have chosen from the Navy play-book! Why, Red Grange once lost part of his colon during a game against the Portsmouth Spartans, and he went on to score three touch-downs! Worst of all, I cannot break these sissies from forward-passing the ball.

I certainly hope I can get the Linotypists into some sort of fighting shape before our first game against the Decatur Staleys this Saturday at the rendering plant grounds. Anyhow, three cheers and a joyful u-rah rah rah for the Linotypists! See you game day!

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