Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

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Vol 32 Issue 10

Gene Wilder To Make Horrible, Horrible Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad," Wilder said, "and I will be tremendously irritating throughout it." Wilder assured reporters that Wrong Way, in which he plays a mute driving instructor, will be far inferior to Another You and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Rumors are already flying about a possible comedy starring Wilder and Richard Pryor that will be just sad.

Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets. "Who could resist such an unbelievable jackpot, except, of course, smart people who understand mathematics?" lottery director Gus Shriner said. "I mean, we're talking $140 million. You'd have to be marginally educated to walk away from a $1 chance at that."

Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against pornography in the Rubino household. "I don't want those tapes in the house," Rubino told her husband. "What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren when they come over?" Among the pornographic films Rubino cited as unacceptable for use by the Deputy Attorney General: Forrest Hump, Backside To The Future, and Sex Trek: First Cuntact. Mr. Rubino said he may invoke the "please" clause in an effort to keep the tapes in the Rubino home.

Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is leaving the group over creative differences. "We just reached a point where we had very different ideas about where this band is heading," Balaban said. "While the other guys wanted to go in a more power-ballad, ‘Open Arms,' ‘Send Her My Love'-oriented direction, I felt that we should be focusing on rocking out more in a ‘Separate Ways' fashion." Balaban said he plans to embark on a solo career, starting a Journey-lead-vocalist tribute act called "Steve Perry." The most likely replacement for Balaban in Wheel In The Sky is Jim "Kerr" Bulone, currently lead singer of Glittering Prize, a Detroit-area Simple Minds tribute band.

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Christ Demands More Money

JERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His followers' lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion based upon belief in Him.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Race Relations

Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

A good team means good players, so I sent my faithful man-servant Standish about the land to lure the finest professional foot-ballers to the Linotypists. "Come back with 'Blood' McNally, Red Grange, Ed Healey, Fats Henry, Jim Thorpe, and Roy Lyman," I barked at Standish, "or never darken my door again!" Sadly, he returned empty-handed, with the unfortunate news that all these players had passed away. The foot-balling is a cruel sport that does take its toll.

Unable to procure such legends, I had to settle for the village butcher, the smithy, and several burly convicts on furlough from the nearby penitentiary, with my ro-bot nurse as time-keeper and water-boy. Unfortunately, they are proving a collection of panty-waists and milk-sops. They insist on wearing helmets with protective metal grilling and pillows upon their shoulders, quenching their thirst with barrels of lemonade and refusing to follow the plays I have chosen from the Navy play-book! Why, Red Grange once lost part of his colon during a game against the Portsmouth Spartans, and he went on to score three touch-downs! Worst of all, I cannot break these sissies from forward-passing the ball.

I certainly hope I can get the Linotypists into some sort of fighting shape before our first game against the Decatur Staleys this Saturday at the rendering plant grounds. Anyhow, three cheers and a joyful u-rah rah rah for the Linotypists! See you game day!

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