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I Admit It, I Need Help Acquiring More Drugs

As any longtime drug user can attest, there comes a time in your life when you have to admit that you have a problem. A time when things get so bad that the only thing left to do is open your eyes and admit you need help. It’s about acceptance, about acknowledging that something is wrong and that you can’t fix it alone. And for me, that moment of acceptance happens now. So here it is: I admit that I am a serious drug abuser and that I need help acquiring more drugs.

I have a problem, and my problem is that I don’t have any drugs right now and I need you to help me find more drugs.

This is not an easy thing for me to admit, as you can imagine. Hell, it took me a long time before I could even admit to myself that I have a problem obtaining illicit drugs. And then once I did finally admit this to myself, I felt a great deal of shame about my drug-acquiring problem, and I spent many long, sleepless nights wondering, “Damn it, why can’t I beat this thing? Why can’t I just find a dude in the park who’s willing to give me a solid discount on some rock or blow, no hassle?”

That’s when I realized I couldn’t do this alone, and that I don’t have to do this alone. On the contrary, I have to be able to trust in the kindness, understanding, and generosity of loved ones to guide me through this challenging, drugless time by helping me secure a new connection and maybe lending me a little extra scratch if they have any. Whatever they can spare.

And the thing I’ve come to accept is that it’s okay to ask for help, ya know? There’s no shame in it. It’s okay to turn to a close friend or family member and say to them, from the bottom of your heart, “Yo, your neighbor likes to party, right? Can you call him up and see who his delivery guy is? Come on, man, I really need this. I’ll make it up to you, I fucking swear.” Once you take that first crucial step toward accepting help for your drug-finding—as difficult as it is for someone who’s completed hundreds if not thousands of drug transactions before with no assistance whatsoever—then you’re on the road to being a regular user again, enjoying a normal life of hard drug abuse.

Now, it goes without saying that acquiring more drugs isn’t going to be easy, and I know that. I know I’ve got a tough road ahead of me, as does my family, and especially my friends, whose help I’m going to need every day if I’m ever going to find another dealer and pay upfront for my shit so I don’t start owing people and getting a bad rap on the street. It’s humbling, sure, but with patience and the support of others, I can make it out the other side of this struggle.

Preferably sooner rather than later, too, because if I don’t score in the next few hours I’m going to be crawling up the fucking walls.

And for those who doubt me, let me promise you this: I am deeply, deeply committed to finding more drugs. I’m not just going through the motions here to please others. This is not an empty promise. This is something that I desperately want to do for myself so that I can get high constantly each and every day. Hell, just hearing myself make that promise to exploit close relations for drugs makes me truly believe I can conquer this thing. This not-having-drugs thing.

And when you think about it, I’ve already come a long way. A week ago I never would have admitted that I needed anyone’s help finding drugs. At that point I would have just probably stolen from a sibling or old college buddy and lied about it. But now I’m coming right out and saying, “Hey, buy me drugs, I need them real fucking bad, okay? What kind of monster are you? If I don’t get a hit I’ll die, man. Do you want me to die?” That’s a huge step. And you know what? I’m proud of myself. I’ve really come a long way.

So, that being said, may I please have $50 and a ride to the Safeway parking lot on Brentwood? I really need your help.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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