adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Almost Lost It All

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems.

First off, I got canned from my job at the California Fajita Cantina. Two Saturdays ago, I was trying to do my damn job and clear a customer's plate off a table, and this guy said, all rude like, "I'm not finished with that. Please wait until I'm done."

Man, was I steamed! I took one look at that fatty and told him he looked like he'd had enough long ago. Then he says to me, "You need to watch your mouth, son." So I say, "You gotta watch your mouth, tubbo, 'cause you got a lot more going in yours than I got comin' outta mine." He went all apeshit and ratted me out to Mr. Janoff, my manager. And you know what? That Janoff fucker wouldn't back me up! He canned me on the spot! No great loss there, though: I figure any job that doesn't allow you to be a man and stand up for yourself ain't a job for Jim Anchower.

Anyway, my new job is at a museum. I work in the coat-check room. All I gotta do is sit there and collect coats and purses and not steal anything. How hard is that? It's not challenging, but if I wanted a challenge, I'd have become a nuclear surgeon.

The whole job situation worked itself out, but that ain't the only problem I've had lately. Last Thursday, my apartment got broken into. When I got home that night, the window on my door was broken and the door was unlocked. I had to do some fast figuring to try to remember if it was me who did it. I was able to sort out pretty quick that it wasn't, so I went inside.

I ran all over the apartment, checking for the essentials. Luckily, it was all still there. My Jenny McCarthy centerfold was still on the wall. My PlayStation 2, busted though it was, was still in front of the TV. The sticker-covered boombox I bought off some dude at a NORML rally was still by my bedside. Even my stash was still in place, but that says more about my shrewd stash-hiding skills than about the crooks who busted into my pad.

The crooks must have gotten spooked by something and ran off before they got a chance to take anything. But next time, I might not be so lucky. That's why I'm thinking about getting a gun, in case they decide to come back while I'm home. For once, the law would totally be on my side if they came in and I blew 'em away. I'm not a violent man, but I'm prepared to do what I have to do to protect my home.

I guess there was one bright spot in all of this. It made me realize I need to appreciate the things that are truly important. I mean, I could have lost it all. They could've taken every last one of my things, and I'd be left with nothing. That made me appreciate my tapes all the more. I mean, I guess I could always buy more tapes if they ever got stolen, but it wouldn't be the same.

For example, I've had this tape of REO Speedwagon's Hi Infidelity ever since I can remember. It's got sentimental value. As soon as I found it after the break-in, it went straight into my boombox. Man, that Kevin Cronin knows how to knock it out. And Gary Richrath can really wail on guitar! I mean, you listen to the song "Take It On The Run" and you really get pumped. It's real rock 'n' roll, not like the crap they make today.

After that, I took out some Grand Funk Railroad. If you ain't heard them, all I can do is pity you and then tell you to get your ass to Sam Goody for a copy of E Pluribus Funk. I mean, "Footstompin' Music"? What more do you need to know? I don't care who let the dogs out, all I care is that Mark Farner and crew are keeping it real.

When that was over, I went for the Zep. I kept that going for a few hours, 'cause once that levee breaks, how do you stop the waters? You don't, hombre. You just have to ride the wave. Then I moved on to some Styx, some James Gang, and, for dessert, a little Mountain. Hell, I was up all night listening to music that could have been stolen but wasn't. That made it all the sweeter.

Every tape was a reminder that there are guys out there who know exactly what you've been going through, and they have a song for it. Nazareth, Bad Company, Journey, BTO... every one of them. They've got what it takes to keep a man going in dark times. When you gotta sit in a room full of coats for eight straight hours, wishing you could sneak out for a fast bowl, sometimes all you got to keep you sane is that Foghat song going through your head.

Actually, that coat-check job makes me go fucking nuts sometimes, tunes or no tunes. Don't let that discourage you from getting yourself some hard-rockin' tapes, though. I just wanted to be honest with ya.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close