I Am Fucking Insane

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Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Am Fucking Insane

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school.... It's a shame what's happening in Sarajevo.... There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV.... Don't count out Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race.... If you see my good friend Harry, tell him to give me a call.... Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so consistently delicious.... I just thought of a great question to ask Jan Michael Vincent.... Boy, do I hate this shirt.... What's that guy over there doing?.... The Amish make fine houses.... I wish Freddie Prinze was alive today so we could both laugh.... Some of the most beautiful women in the world work in diners.... Sex after 60 may be a challenge, but I like challenges.... If I had four awards to give, I would give them all to the Golden Girls.... I cannot wait to see what the producers of Logan's Run are up to next.... Teach a poor city kid how to love and you've made the world slightly better.... Help, I'm stuck on a ledge!.... Get out of my house!.... Please don't ever leave me again.... What in God's name am I talking about here, anyway?.... Look up "inventive" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Shields & Yarnell.... I don't give a fuck who you are; I paid the goddamn bill.... The difference between top-shelf vodka and bottom-shelf vodka is only a few dollars.... Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us.... I am always amazed at the depth of TV's Angie, Donna Pescow.... My earwax is impacted.... Shoes make the man, but it takes men and women working together to make a pair of shoes.... Cutting down on sugar is a great way to lower gastrointestinal discomfort.... There's a nice food restaurant on the corner of Belmont and Shanks.... Betrayal can bring about the coldest season of the human heart.... I disapprove of anyone who might cheat on a test.... Check out the rack on that Bernadette Peters.... Will someone help me get these curlers out of my hair?.... I am afraid of scary bats.... Hey, there's pears in this Jell-O!.... All the people who were ever important to me are dead.... Lord Jesus, how I wish I was Robert Wagner.... Always carry a hammer with you.... I forgot to refrigerate the butter.... The brown bananas taste very, very different.... Are you famous? If so, I love you!.... Where's my Bromo-Seltzer?.... There's nothing like breathable black dress socks on a sunny day.... Somehow I got all wet again.... If you look up marmosets in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of a small furry mammal.... Christ, my freakin' head is spinning!.... What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.... Charles Kuralt has worn some of the finest sweaters known to man.... How in God's name did this M.A.S.H. show get cancelled?.... Those armchairs with the swing-out foot rests are a true godsend....
My brown belt. Where the hell did I put that damn thing?.... Not so tight.... Have you ever noticed you park in the driveway but you drive to the movies in your car?.... That Ellen Burstyn has still got it.... If I could be any nationality in the world, I'd be Flemish.... Milton Berle is hung like an ox.... Of all the major religions, Buddhism has the best outfits.... If I was God for a day, I would eliminate the terrible scourge of rickets.... These scabs are not healing as quickly as I would have hoped.... That Eartha Kitt is one dynamite lady—and a class act to boot.

Larry King's column, I Am Fucking Insane, appears every Monday. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me is seen nightly on CNN.

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