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I Am Fucking Insane

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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I Am Fucking Insane

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school.... It's a shame what's happening in Sarajevo.... There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV.... Don't count out Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race.... If you see my good friend Harry, tell him to give me a call.... Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so consistently delicious.... I just thought of a great question to ask Jan Michael Vincent.... Boy, do I hate this shirt.... What's that guy over there doing?.... The Amish make fine houses.... I wish Freddie Prinze was alive today so we could both laugh.... Some of the most beautiful women in the world work in diners.... Sex after 60 may be a challenge, but I like challenges.... If I had four awards to give, I would give them all to the Golden Girls.... I cannot wait to see what the producers of Logan's Run are up to next.... Teach a poor city kid how to love and you've made the world slightly better.... Help, I'm stuck on a ledge!.... Get out of my house!.... Please don't ever leave me again.... What in God's name am I talking about here, anyway?.... Look up "inventive" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Shields & Yarnell.... I don't give a fuck who you are; I paid the goddamn bill.... The difference between top-shelf vodka and bottom-shelf vodka is only a few dollars.... Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us.... I am always amazed at the depth of TV's Angie, Donna Pescow.... My earwax is impacted.... Shoes make the man, but it takes men and women working together to make a pair of shoes.... Cutting down on sugar is a great way to lower gastrointestinal discomfort.... There's a nice food restaurant on the corner of Belmont and Shanks.... Betrayal can bring about the coldest season of the human heart.... I disapprove of anyone who might cheat on a test.... Check out the rack on that Bernadette Peters.... Will someone help me get these curlers out of my hair?.... I am afraid of scary bats.... Hey, there's pears in this Jell-O!.... All the people who were ever important to me are dead.... Lord Jesus, how I wish I was Robert Wagner.... Always carry a hammer with you.... I forgot to refrigerate the butter.... The brown bananas taste very, very different.... Are you famous? If so, I love you!.... Where's my Bromo-Seltzer?.... There's nothing like breathable black dress socks on a sunny day.... Somehow I got all wet again.... If you look up marmosets in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of a small furry mammal.... Christ, my freakin' head is spinning!.... What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.... Charles Kuralt has worn some of the finest sweaters known to man.... How in God's name did this M.A.S.H. show get cancelled?.... Those armchairs with the swing-out foot rests are a true godsend....
My brown belt. Where the hell did I put that damn thing?.... Not so tight.... Have you ever noticed you park in the driveway but you drive to the movies in your car?.... That Ellen Burstyn has still got it.... If I could be any nationality in the world, I'd be Flemish.... Milton Berle is hung like an ox.... Of all the major religions, Buddhism has the best outfits.... If I was God for a day, I would eliminate the terrible scourge of rickets.... These scabs are not healing as quickly as I would have hoped.... That Eartha Kitt is one dynamite lady—and a class act to boot.

Larry King's column, I Am Fucking Insane, appears every Monday. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me is seen nightly on CNN.

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