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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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I Am Fun

I am fun.

I enjoy fun. I both have fun and can be fun. Fun is a word that accurately describes me and a large quantity of things of which I am fond. I appreciate fun when I encounter it, and I have even been known to partake in activities that produce fun for myself and others. Fun is something I often have when amongst a group of people. In such situations, I am capable of amusing others and, in turn, of being amused by them.

Thus, I am a fun person.

Perhaps it would be helpful for me to provide an example of a fun thing I do. I take part in levity. I enjoy jokes, which are fun. When the occasion presents itself, I have been known to make jokes of my own, thereby creating fun for those around me. This is because, like many other people I encounter, I have a sense of humor. A sense of humor is crucial to having fun and to being fun. When situations are humorous, I signal my recognition of the fun by laughing, just as you do. Just as most people do.

Furthermore, as indirect evidence of the fact that I have a fun disposition, I do not like things that are not fun.

Although stating that I am fun and that I like fun establishes these qualities of my character sufficiently, I can also cite several instances in which I have demonstrated my fun side in public forums. I have been fun on broadcasts of late-night television programs. I have been fun on multiple social media platforms, wherein I can also be witnessed taking a carefree approach to life. If you have observed me in one of these settings, you have likely already concluded that I am a fun individual.

Furthermore, as indirect evidence of the fact that I have a fun disposition, I do not like things that are not fun.

Among my activities and areas of interest, I have identified several that strongly indicate I possess the quality of being fun. They are as follows: Recreation. Smiling. Entertainment of all kinds. Meeting people. Local sports teams. Mainstream popular culture. My friends, who are numerous and include Dianne Feinstein, Colin Powell, Tim Geithner, and Tony Blair. Fun books. Travel. Exercise. Chatting.

Being a grandparent is fun. It is also a way in which I am similar to others. This is a fun topic through which I can connect with many people. My grandchild’s name is as follows:

Charlotte.

Did I mention that I enjoy free time? Free time is when I generally have the fun I have mentioned above, and when I am the most fun myself. This is not to say I am not fun at other times, because I can be fun in any context as long as it is not inappropriate to do so. But I have found that free time is among the best times for fun. Do you agree? Perhaps this is yet another way in which you and I are similar.

You have seen how fun I can be, and that I do not take myself too seriously. Because of this, I am relatable.

I have completed my argument, but I would like to reiterate the fact that I take pleasure in having fun and being fun, just like the majority of Americans. Americans such as yourself. Now that I have presented adequate evidence for the existence of my fun, accessible nature, there will be no need to revisit this subject going forward. Thank you.

I am fun.

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