I Am Haunted By Spooks

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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I Am Haunted By Spooks

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee!

Damn you, nurse—why will you not come? It whirls over my bed like a noxious cloud of terror! I can feel its icy grip upon my frail brow! I am almost speechless with fear!

Clearly this wraith-like specter ushers in my impending doom! It has come to collect me! Please, nurse, I don't want to depart this earthly realm! I am an old man and have committed many sins. Help me, nurse! Rescue me from certain hellfire!

Go down to the village and fetch the parish priest! Have him perform an exorcism! It is my only hope! Wait—I had all the holy men banished from the county 60 years ago! Damn the luck! Oh, someone, come help me, please!

Zombies! Zombies! They have broken down the door and are marching toward me! They're all filled with the hoodoo juice, and their eyes are like smoldering embers! They're clawing at me with clammy, decomposing appendages! Help! Help! I am choked with fright!

Aaaaagh! Now hideous goblins have pounced on my bed and are proceeding to poke me with their red-hot tridents! The pain is unbearable! My bedchamber is spinning about as though caught in a formidable cyclone! I am being sucked into the acrid pits of Hell! The furies have been unleashed!

Oh, merciful Lord in Heaven above, I repent for all my past sins! I readily accept You as my most holy Savior and recognize myself for the pathetic old shell of a human being that I am. I am sorry I did not serve Thy Holy Will to the utmost. I am sorry that I threw those orphans down the mineshaft. I will build a great cathedral of gold to Your sacred name! Don't forever consign me to the depths of damnation!

Yaaaaaaa! Scary bats! Scary bats flying hither and thither, striking my aged, husk-like frame with their leathery wings! Help! Spiders emerging from the cracks in the walls, launching their poisonous venom! Dancing skeletons going "boogedy boogedy!" Horrors! Help! Ooh hoo! It's too much! Save me, nurse, save me!


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