I Am Haunted By Spooks

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

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WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Am Haunted By Spooks

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee!

Damn you, nurse—why will you not come? It whirls over my bed like a noxious cloud of terror! I can feel its icy grip upon my frail brow! I am almost speechless with fear!

Clearly this wraith-like specter ushers in my impending doom! It has come to collect me! Please, nurse, I don't want to depart this earthly realm! I am an old man and have committed many sins. Help me, nurse! Rescue me from certain hellfire!

Go down to the village and fetch the parish priest! Have him perform an exorcism! It is my only hope! Wait—I had all the holy men banished from the county 60 years ago! Damn the luck! Oh, someone, come help me, please!

Zombies! Zombies! They have broken down the door and are marching toward me! They're all filled with the hoodoo juice, and their eyes are like smoldering embers! They're clawing at me with clammy, decomposing appendages! Help! Help! I am choked with fright!

Aaaaagh! Now hideous goblins have pounced on my bed and are proceeding to poke me with their red-hot tridents! The pain is unbearable! My bedchamber is spinning about as though caught in a formidable cyclone! I am being sucked into the acrid pits of Hell! The furies have been unleashed!

Oh, merciful Lord in Heaven above, I repent for all my past sins! I readily accept You as my most holy Savior and recognize myself for the pathetic old shell of a human being that I am. I am sorry I did not serve Thy Holy Will to the utmost. I am sorry that I threw those orphans down the mineshaft. I will build a great cathedral of gold to Your sacred name! Don't forever consign me to the depths of damnation!

Yaaaaaaa! Scary bats! Scary bats flying hither and thither, striking my aged, husk-like frame with their leathery wings! Help! Spiders emerging from the cracks in the walls, launching their poisonous venom! Dancing skeletons going "boogedy boogedy!" Horrors! Help! Ooh hoo! It's too much! Save me, nurse, save me!