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I Am Haunted By Spooks

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Am Haunted By Spooks

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee!

Damn you, nurse—why will you not come? It whirls over my bed like a noxious cloud of terror! I can feel its icy grip upon my frail brow! I am almost speechless with fear!

Clearly this wraith-like specter ushers in my impending doom! It has come to collect me! Please, nurse, I don't want to depart this earthly realm! I am an old man and have committed many sins. Help me, nurse! Rescue me from certain hellfire!

Go down to the village and fetch the parish priest! Have him perform an exorcism! It is my only hope! Wait—I had all the holy men banished from the county 60 years ago! Damn the luck! Oh, someone, come help me, please!

Zombies! Zombies! They have broken down the door and are marching toward me! They're all filled with the hoodoo juice, and their eyes are like smoldering embers! They're clawing at me with clammy, decomposing appendages! Help! Help! I am choked with fright!

Aaaaagh! Now hideous goblins have pounced on my bed and are proceeding to poke me with their red-hot tridents! The pain is unbearable! My bedchamber is spinning about as though caught in a formidable cyclone! I am being sucked into the acrid pits of Hell! The furies have been unleashed!

Oh, merciful Lord in Heaven above, I repent for all my past sins! I readily accept You as my most holy Savior and recognize myself for the pathetic old shell of a human being that I am. I am sorry I did not serve Thy Holy Will to the utmost. I am sorry that I threw those orphans down the mineshaft. I will build a great cathedral of gold to Your sacred name! Don't forever consign me to the depths of damnation!

Yaaaaaaa! Scary bats! Scary bats flying hither and thither, striking my aged, husk-like frame with their leathery wings! Help! Spiders emerging from the cracks in the walls, launching their poisonous venom! Dancing skeletons going "boogedy boogedy!" Horrors! Help! Ooh hoo! It's too much! Save me, nurse, save me!

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