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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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I Am Haunted By Spooks

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee!

Damn you, nurse—why will you not come? It whirls over my bed like a noxious cloud of terror! I can feel its icy grip upon my frail brow! I am almost speechless with fear!

Clearly this wraith-like specter ushers in my impending doom! It has come to collect me! Please, nurse, I don't want to depart this earthly realm! I am an old man and have committed many sins. Help me, nurse! Rescue me from certain hellfire!

Go down to the village and fetch the parish priest! Have him perform an exorcism! It is my only hope! Wait—I had all the holy men banished from the county 60 years ago! Damn the luck! Oh, someone, come help me, please!

Zombies! Zombies! They have broken down the door and are marching toward me! They're all filled with the hoodoo juice, and their eyes are like smoldering embers! They're clawing at me with clammy, decomposing appendages! Help! Help! I am choked with fright!

Aaaaagh! Now hideous goblins have pounced on my bed and are proceeding to poke me with their red-hot tridents! The pain is unbearable! My bedchamber is spinning about as though caught in a formidable cyclone! I am being sucked into the acrid pits of Hell! The furies have been unleashed!

Oh, merciful Lord in Heaven above, I repent for all my past sins! I readily accept You as my most holy Savior and recognize myself for the pathetic old shell of a human being that I am. I am sorry I did not serve Thy Holy Will to the utmost. I am sorry that I threw those orphans down the mineshaft. I will build a great cathedral of gold to Your sacred name! Don't forever consign me to the depths of damnation!

Yaaaaaaa! Scary bats! Scary bats flying hither and thither, striking my aged, husk-like frame with their leathery wings! Help! Spiders emerging from the cracks in the walls, launching their poisonous venom! Dancing skeletons going "boogedy boogedy!" Horrors! Help! Ooh hoo! It's too much! Save me, nurse, save me!

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