I Am Lost In My Mansion

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Vol 35 Issue 25

Lookalike Couple Vaguely Disquieting

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Friends and family of Russell Tonelli are expressing a "creepy sort of unease" at the distinct visual similarities between the 33-year-old Grand Rapids file clerk and his new girlfriend, Elizabeth Brecht, sources reported Tuesday. "It's really weird how similar they look," said co-worker Isaac Richards. "Elizabeth even cut off her long hair last week, making it even worse. That's just plain disturbing."

God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis

ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite wisdom and love for all the women of the world, has sent me to Earth, that I may rock the worlds of all the bee-you-tiful la-dies," the single, 27-year-old sales consultant said. Though not confirmed, it is believed that no woman has yet accepted the Divine gift of Ennis of Arlington.

Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around coupling with pies, Daily Variety reported Monday. "The American people have voted with their dollars, and we must heed the call," said Paramount executive Hollis James. "Look for the outrageous Boston Cream in Summer 2001, featuring Denis Leary as a screwball waiter with a most unusual 'taste' in sex." In addition to Cream, United Artists is in preproduction on the coming-of-age pie-fucking film I'll Take The Cherry, 20th Century Fox is negotiating with David Arquette to star in Master Baker as "a pastry chef with a secret ingredient you won't believe," and Jeff Daniels has signed with New Line to play a televangelist dethroned by a pie-fucking scandal in Jizzes H. Crust! New Line is also interviewing directors for Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee, in which Steve Guttenberg performs cunnilingus on a raspberry torte.

'You Got It™' Trademarked

NEW YORK—Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Monday, when Tricon Global Restaurants announced that it has trademarked "You Got It™." The popular catchphrase, which will be used in an upcoming ad campaign for Tricon subsidiary Pizza Hut, joins such trademarked slogans as General Motors' "Let's Go™," ABC's "Watch It!™" and Morton's "Please Pass The Salt." "We are pleased to have acquired the exclusive legal rights to 'You Got It™,'" said Tricon marketing director Jack Prysock. "With more than 20 different delicious toppings and eight different hot and fresh pan-style pizzas, Pizza Hut is truly the place where you, the customer, have 'got it™'." Individuals found employing the phrase 'You Got It™,' except for those receiving express written consent from Tricon Global Restaurants and intending to use the phrase to make specific, one-time reference to the high quality of food and service at Pizza Hut, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.

eBay? hOoray!

Boy, if you'd told me I'd be getting a Mrs. Beasley doll in the mail this year, I would have called you crazy. But it happened to me just yesterday! And here's how!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Am Lost In My Mansion

I was awakened suddenly this morning by the terrible sound of metal grating upon metal. When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the nightmarish countenance of Nurse Pin-head, who, brandishing a steam-fitter's wrench, was busy unbolting the great collar which holds me fast to my iron-lung.

It then occurred to me that this was the day the interior of my iron-lung was to be scoured with a cleansing solution of carbolic-of-lye. It's about time! It was getting awfully moist and sticky in there, and what-ever it is that's squirming about, it sure as hell isn't me.

My enormous nurse then used her unworldly strength to pry my age-raped body out of that metal womb and place me on my death-bed, which had been specially mounted with casters. In her deep voice, Pin-head told me I was to be wheeled into the basement hinterlands of the Zweibel manse, where I would be safe from the deadly carbolic vapors. Before I could protest, how-ever, Pin-head summoned my stable-boy, Augustus, and ordered him to escort me on this perilous outing.

The feared basement! I had heard my father talk of it on occasion. Many a legend has arisen from its clammy depths. Scaly serpents who can consume a score of men with a single snap of their jaws! Servants whose faces are on the middle of their torsos! And, most fear-some of all... a storied chamber in which recreation is practiced, allegedly containing a dusty old davenport upholstered in vulgar plaid, and a mysterious parlor-game known only as bumper-billiards!

Unfortunately, I saw none of these things. I say unfortunately, because the truth turned out to be far worse than the legends. The forgotten skeletons of the many enemies I had kidnapped and tortured grinned maniacally at me. Then, a mob of salamander-complected troglodytes swarmed about me and made off with one of my prosthetic ears. My wheeled death-bed soon broke down, and the stable-boy was forced to carry me. Finally, as we entered a great hall, paneled in blood-red leather and populated only by wax statues of Cotton Mather, Augustus dropped my carcass and fled shrieking. I was abandoned.

I write this in urine on scraps of skin cast off my consumptive chest, using the fairy-light given off by my body's decomposition. I have abandoned all hope of rescue. If anyone chances to find this note, to hell with the ungrateful lot of you, and death to that whoreson bastard Hearst!

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