I Am Loving That Dancing Baby!

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Vol 33 Issue 21

School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?

Area New York Times 98 Percent Unread

NASHUA, NH—A copy of Monday's New York Times was discarded at approximately 6:40 p.m. Monday, with only two percent of its content read. "I skimmed the front-page headlines, and then I looked at the sports scores and part of a movie review," Times subscriber Hal Ruggerio said. "Then I chucked it." Among the features not read by Ruggerio were a Jeanne Kirkpatrick op-ed on the geopolitical ramifications of the nuclear race on the Indian sub-continent, a review of John McPhee's latest collection of essays, and the obituary of a former U.S. ambassador to Uruguay.

USA Original Movie Not That Original

LOS ANGELES—It was learned Tuesday that Brute Force, a USA Original Movie slated to air on the USA cable network this Saturday, is actually not all that original. "Despite its billing, this so-called 'original' movie is, in fact, remarkably similar to many other movies," said film critic Irwin Schloss. "From the mysterious drifter's encounter with the schoolteacher with a dark secret to the climactic waterfront chase scene, you've no doubt seen all this before." A USA spokesman defended Brute Force and noted that summer will be hotter than ever on USA, thanks to all-new, totally original movies like Bare Ambition, an erotic thriller starring Dana Plato.

Family Dog Ignored For 11th Straight Year

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—Brownie, a 12-year-old mixed-breed dog owned by the Wilcox family of Klamath Falls, reached its 11th year of being ignored Monday. "The first year or so we had Brownie, we paid a lot of attention to him and played with him constantly," father Mitchell Wilcox said. "But after that, the novelty of having a dog wore off, and we all started to ignore him, even the kids. Now, I suppose, we're just waiting for him to die." Experts predict that Brownie will tolerate two to three more years of disregard before attacking a family member, at which time he will be declared senile and euthanized.

Birthday Boy Admits Accepting Gifts

ARLINGTON, VA—Under heavy scrutiny for alleged improper conduct in connection with his recent 10th birthday, Arlington-area birthday boy Joshua Stern admitted to accepting gifts Monday, but vehemently denied any wrongdoing in the matter. "My receipt of these gifts was in no way unethical or improper. No special favors or perks were conferred upon Aunt Patricia in exchange for the Godzilla action figure," Stern told reporters. "Likewise, the Sony Playstation I received from my parents was an unconditional gift, wholly unrelated to my cleaning of the family garage five days prior."

New 92-Grain Bread Depletes Majority Of World's Resources

UNITED NATIONS—A report released Monday by the World Health Organization states that Hearthwell Farms' new 92-grain bread has depleted nearly 55 percent of the planet's resources. "One loaf of this mind-bogglingly wholesome bread contains enough grain to feed 4,000 dairy cows for 20 years. The flax seeds alone could sustain a small city for a year," the report read in part. "We're talking about some seriously grainy bread here." A spokesperson for Hearthwell Farms, responding to the charges of reckless resource consumption, said: "It takes a lot of grainy goodness to make Hearthwell's 92-grain 'Kitchen Sink' bread... The Hearty Sandwich-Makin' Bread."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Originality

I Am Loving That Dancing Baby!

Have you seen the dancing baby yet? It has got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen! It's a computerized baby, and it dances! Curious as to what all the hoopla was about, I had my intern download it for me, and I was hooked! Sometimes, if no one else is around, I'll do a little dance along with it. If you haven't seen it yet, you should throw on your cyber-bathing suit ASAP and get surfing... on the Net!

Item! Old Blue Eyes is now Old Shut Eyes! That's right, the Chairman Of The Board, Frank Sinatra, has resigned, leaving nothing but memories and a scant 125 albums worth of great, great songs. I know that everyone will always remember him for tunes like "New York, New York," "Chicago," "L.A. Is My Lady," "Grand Rapids (You're A Dame)" and other classic songs named after cities, but I'll always remember him for his warm rendition of the Simon & Garfunkel classic "Mrs. Robinson." He really breathed new life into that song. Now, if only someone would breathe life into his cold, dead lungs so that he could sing again!

Also in the sad, tragic death department, Phil Hartman was killed recently by his wife. I don't know any other details besides what I just told you. In fact, I am embarrassed to say this, but despite the fact that his name is very familiar, I cannot place his face at all. Could someone help me out with this? Who is this Phil Hartman, and what did he play, in movies or television? Even if I can't find out, it's still sad. It's always sad when someone dies.

Item! Harrison Ford is the luckiest man in the world–he gets to romance delightful Dante's Peak star Anne Hach! The new film A Week In The Wilderness features them as a pair of hard-headed opposites who have to work together after crashing on a deserted island. Of course, by the end of the movie, they fall for each other, conjuring up that old Bogey-and-Bacall magic. What I wouldn't give to be the one stepping out for a night in Casablanca with dreamy Anne! Harrison, you are one lucky, lucky fella.

This summer is shaping up to be a real scorcher. I'd better break out the tank top!

Item! Did anyone like that last Seinfeld episode? Talk about a stinker. It stank! I mean, what a downer of an episode. But you know what? I already miss it. I just hope the reruns will be enough to tide me over for the rest of my life.

Has anyone out there ever pulled a hamstring? I did while playing badminton the other day, and, boy, does it smart!

Item! One of my more reliable sources tells me that none other than Matthew Broderick is slated to appear in a remake of his classic 1986 film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Only this time, he's the principal, and he's up against a young version of himself! The dilemma: Does he go all hardnosed on the kid, or does he go easy, remembering his own crazy youth? It should be the kind of magic we haven't seen from Broderick since the original. Look for cameos by Gordon Jump, Night Court's Markie Post and the guy who played Cameron in the original. I can't wait for that one!

With songs like "Summer Of '69" and "Straight From The Heart," is it any wonder that Bryan Adams has captured America's fancy? Did you know that Adams, like Aldo Nova, is a Canadian? G'day, Bryan, eh?

I must confess, it's been nearly 10 years since NBC took it off the air, but I still miss 227. Saturday nights just haven't been the same without it. Will someone please give Marla Gibbs her own sitcom? She's too big a talent to waste!

Robert Downey Jr., like his dad Morton Downey Jr., just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Someone in the know tells me that Robert had recently been jailed for an abundance of unpaid parking tickets and littering fines. I know that Hollywood stars offer us dreams and thrills, and, sure, they should get some perks for the countless hours of movie magic they provide, but no one, not even Robert Downey Jr., is above the law.

Hey, Harveyheads, in case you're aching for a dose of me between columns, I have just the thing for you. This Saturday, I'll be on WGBE, Oldies 740 on your AM dial, between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. I'll be spinning my favorite sounds from the '50s, '60s and '70s, as well as bringing you the latest scoop from Tinseltown. If you can't get to a radio, ask a friend to tape it for you. And, if you don't have a friend who can tape it, don't worry: You can always find me here, doing what I love to do... bringing you the news from the Dream Capital Of The World–Hollywood, USA!

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