I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

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Vol 34 Issue 10

Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel."

Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself.

Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General."

Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set."

Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
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I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them.

Mr. Schumacher, he owns the pet store, and he said to me, "No more, John! No more! Out!" and he called me the last straw, and he held the door open and pointed outside.

I don't know why he won't let me go in the pet store no more. I always behaved and helped out with stuff. I would collect the snakeskins after the snakes were done with them. I would talk to all the animals, and I would always make sure to use an inside voice so they wouldn't get scared and curl up in a ball. As soon as I got to the pet store, I would dig through the wood shavings at the bottom of the cages to make sure all the animals were still there. I would also give the animals birthday presents, like pens or batteries. I liked all the animals except for the mice, because mice die too easy.

I did other things to help, too, like fix the aquariums so they didn't bubble all the time. Once, I put all the hamsters and gerbils and guinea pigs in one cage together so they would be easier to count, and I cleaned all the numbers and dollar signs off the aquariums. When Big Macs were two for $2, I'd eat one and give the angelfish the other one.

I'm really going to miss the pet store. There were always lots of fun things to do there. I used to go every day after I got home from the factory where I put the covers on the sports bottles before they go in the big box. It is the best pet store in the world because the Pope shops there and all the animals are very happy. Going to the pet store was more fun than going to the mall to shake people's hands. It was even better than going to the zoo because I didn't have to ride the bus and have somebody throw my hat out the window.

I thought I was a friend to Mr. Schumacher. I used to help sweep up, and I would even bring my own broom from home to do it. Whenever I knocked over the fish bowls, I always picked up all the glass.

I went to the pet store Monday through Friday, except for days when I heard the yelling. Kelly is my job coach, and she told me to stay home on those days. I'm going to marry Kelly. Kelly told me that if I took my medicine every day and didn't do anything bad, she'd try to get me a job at the Humane Society.

I think I'm going to miss the parakeets most of all. When I stuck my hand in the cage, they would go crazy and fly around. I did that to help them get exercise so they wouldn't get fat and lazy and die of a heart attack like Uncle Mike. Who will help them get their exercise now?

One day, Mr. Schumacher told me not to bring in my broom anymore. He also told me to stop giving the gerbils Pepsi. Then he told me not to call 911 when I found a dead hamster and never to show up at his store without going to the bathroom first.

Since I'm not allowed in the pet store any more, all I can do is stand outside the window and yell loud enough for the animals to hear me. Then, when it gets late, and Mr. Schumacher turns off the big lighted sign and drives away in his station wagon, I walk home.

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