I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Fantasy Sports

I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration

Hello.

I am a 76-year-old man who gets overwhelmed easily and has a difficult time keeping his thoughts straight. I’m confused a lot, and sometimes I don’t remember things that have happened just minutes ago. This is what happens when you are this old. You speak slower, your mind wanders, and doing simple tasks becomes difficult because concentrating is hard.

I don’t understand what’s happening around me most of the time, and usually I want to be in bed because of how tired I am.

I’m also a sexually frustrated person. I have been celibate for nearly 45 years, and I’m constantly paralyzed by intense sexual longing. Throughout the day, my mind—gone as it is—is filled with vivid carnal images. In fact, there will be many times throughout my papacy when I’ll be sexually frustrated and thinking about sex. I’ll probably think about sex during Easter Mass. I’m thinking about sex right now.

I want to have sex very badly.

So, that’s me: an elderly, sexually deprived man who has trouble remembering names, faces, and words when he tries to talk. Sometimes I’ll be speaking a sentence and stop because I can’t think of the right word to say. This didn’t happen when I was young. I’m also a man who faces a difficult job with complex problems. The problems frighten me because complex things make me nervous and confused and make me snap angrily at people for no good reason. Also, I’m tortured on a daily basis by my improper thoughts of naked women.

Since being selected as Pope, I have been introduced to many new people who are saying many things I don’t understand. I’m too embarrassed to say, “Stop. I’m overwhelmed. You need to speak slower. I’m scared of new things, and I’m worried I’m too old to be doing this job.”

I think about what it would be like to kiss a woman a fair amount, and at night I wonder what would happen if I masturbated. The fact that I even have these thoughts, and that God knows I have them, makes me feel extremely guilty. That guilt eats away at my insides, and the knowledge that I’ve freely chosen that guilt to be part of my life only makes me angrier.

So, to summarize, there are times when I can’t focus on a single thing because a) I’ve forgotten what day it is, and b) I’m distracted because I’m thinking about sexual intercourse.

I’m also a tired man. If you want my honest opinion, I don’t have the energy to fix a corrupt institution marred by scandal. I’m not quite sure I have enough left in the tank, as they say, to lead the Catholic Church into a bold new era. The thought of having to make the Church relevant to a whole new generation of Catholics exhausts me. All of that sounds like a job for a young person who both remembers where he puts things and isn’t constantly questioning whether or not he wasted his life depriving himself the pleasures of the female body.

Truth be told, my ideal day is waking up, eating breakfast, and then sitting down in a chair and looking out a window. That way I’m not hearing things I don’t like, and I’m never being put in an uncomfortable position. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. I don’t like it. I don’t like it. I don’t like it!

I just want to sit in my chair and think about dying and never having sex.

I love you, my children. Pray for me as I begin this new journey.