I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

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Vol 39 Issue 20

Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from...

Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good... that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.

Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light.

I am proud to serve my country beer.

Our nation nobly faces any challenge with chins out and backs straight. We don't back down, no matter how daunting the task before us. For this reason alone, I serve pitcher after pitcher of beer at P.J.'s Pub, cooling the throats and fevered minds of a nation bearing the heavy burden of adversity.

My family has a long tradition of service to this country. At the height of the Great Depression, my great-grandfather served bathtub gin in a Chicago speakeasy. During WWII, my grandfather served beer at a Coney Island snack bar. During Vietnam, my father pretended he was gay so he could stay in the States and serve beer to a nation torn in two by an unpopular war. And now it's my turn. When history called, I did not turn a deaf ear. I enlisted at my local tavern and began the task of serving beer to my fellow Americans.

It's not easy. Sometimes, your back aches from hauling kegs up from the basement cooler. Other times, you have to deal with people who are drunk, surly, or violent. Then there are the times when you're ready to throw in the bar rag because of that jackass at the corner table who comes in every night and never tips you. It's times like these that I look at the red, white, and blue of the Pabst Blue Ribbon can, and a feeling of patriotism wells up in my breast. I know that duty calls, and I must soldier on.

We live in troubled times. People are confused and anxious—and understandably so. These are the days that, for better or worse, will define our generation. Will we be remembered as cowards who tucked our tails between our legs and ran home sober? Or will we enter the pantheon of heroes, making our way to the local tavern so we can show our enemies that we will not be denied in our thirst for victory and beer? For me, the answer is obvious. I will extend my hands to one and all, each fist grasping a tall, frosty mug of ice-cold beer.

If you want a beer, stand up and be heard over the din of loud conversations and noisy jukeboxes. I, for one, will step to the front of the line and proudly serve all those who ask, provided they have ID. Rich or poor, black or white, hearty lager drinkers or lite-beer tipplers, they are all Americans, and they all want beer. Some may shy away from the call to serve, but this proud citizen will never dodge the Miller Genuine Draft.

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