I Am Refreshingly Open About My Personal Life

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Vol 36 Issue 43

Arsenio Hall Writers Still Keeping In Touch

LOS ANGELES– According to former Arsenio Hall Show head writer Garry Schenk, the writing staff of the 1989-94 late-night talk show still keeps in touch. "Yeah, I still see Tony [Andruss] every now and then," Schenk said Monday. "And I just ran into Ed [Canzona] a few days ago. He's over at Kilborn now and also does some freelance monologue stuff for Politically Incorrect. And Fred [Moffatt] e-mailed me maybe a month ago. He's working for some radio syndicate that does song parodies and other bits for morning-DJ shows." Added Schenk: "Man, I can't believe it's been six years."

Death Results In Great Deal Of Paperwork

FLAGSTAFF, AZ– The death of 88-year-old Bea Wexler resulted in a mountain of funeral, burial, and estate-settlement paperwork Monday. "Why now? We just finished the paperwork on our new mortgage," sobbed Peggy Addison, Wexler's daughter. "Why in Arizona, where the probate process can take months?" Addison's husband Bryan hugged her before bearing down on the preliminary death-certificate forms.

Food Critic's Wife Makes The Best Lasagna She Possibly Can

CHARLOTTE, NC– Fran Greaves, wife of Charlotte Observer restaurant critic Paul Greaves, said Monday that she tries to make the best lasagna she possibly can. "I made this gourmet lasagna completely by the book," Greaves said. "I bought fresh ingredients from the farmer's market, I made the pasta from scratch with semolina flour. But I just can't shake the feeling that it still won't be good enough for Paul." Greaves' husband has previously been disappointed in his wife's chicken marsala, veal schnitzel, and lemon chiffon cake.

Hollywood Diet Secrets Fall Into Non-Celebrity Hands

HOLLYWOOD– In a major Hollywood security leak, an Encino, CA, company has made "Weight-Loss Secrets Of The Stars" available to the non-famous. Direct Sales International made the offer through ads last week in The National Enquirer and Weekly World News. "Learn how the rich and famous take unwanted pounds off FAST–and KEEP them off!" the ad read. "I am horrified by the implications of this," Julia Roberts said. "The institution of celebrityhood could crumble, with our thigh-trimming and belly-banishing secrets now public. The global balance of beauty has tipped forever. God help us all."

Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here

CEDAR FALLS, IA– Despite repeated pre-election threats of expatriation, area resident Ron Glick remains a U.S. citizen, acquaintances of the 43-year-old reported Monday. "For weeks leading up to the election, Ron kept saying, 'I swear, if that clown wins, I am moving to Canada,'" coworker Paula Vogel said. "Well, he's been at work every day since, so unless he's commuting from Winnipeg, he's still here." Glick has threatened to renounce his citizenship every four years since 1980, when Reagan's victory was supposed to have precipitated his emigration to Spain.

Abolish The Electoral College?

In light of the havoc it has wreaked this presidential election, many Americans are calling for an end to the electoral college. What do you think?

It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff

You know that old Christmas carol that goes, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat"? Well, might I suggest a slight lyric change to "please put a penny in Jean Teasdale's hat"? And, instead of "a penny," make it "$2,756.29"? Because that's how much my Visa bill is right now, and I'm afraid that Christmas at the Teasdales is not going to be too merry this year if I don't find a way to pay this thing off pronto!
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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I Am Refreshingly Open About My Personal Life

Some people never let you know the "real" them. They keep their deepest thoughts and emotions tucked away from the rest of the world. Why they would want to, I'll never know. I, for one, am refreshingly open about my personal life.

Would you like to know about the problems I'm having with my wife? No need to ask. If you are vaguely acquainted with me, you doubtless already know about the miscarriage, the affair, the second miscarriage, the man from Oklahoma City, and the fact that Gloria's allergy-relief medication has a dehydrating effect, which necessitates our use of lubricants during sex. (Chances are pretty good you also know that we prefer WET-brand lubricants over Astroglide.)

Did I tell you about the recent fight with Gloria when I knocked over the Christmas tree? No? I'd be happy to go into all the sordid details. Some people would probably be too closed and repressed to share something like that, but not me.

You see, unlike some people, I'm honest enough with myself to admit that I have problems. And, as part of my healthy attitude, I'm comfortable letting everyone in on them. Sometimes, it takes hours of explanation to really get to the heart of things, but my friends, coworkers, and fellow Food Lion shoppers are worth it.

Just like anyone, I sometimes experience feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and doubts about where my life is headed. So when somebody at work asks me, "How's it going?" I take the time to answer truthfully, unafraid to let my true emotions out. If there isn't enough time over lunch in the break room, I'll catch the person as he or she is leaving work and finish up what I was saying. I know exactly what they're thinking when I stop them from climbing into their car. They're thinking, "Thank goodness someone in this world has the courage to cut through all the lies and superficiality and bare their soul. Thank goodness there's at least one person out there who isn't hiding behind a mask."

I'm not just refreshingly open about my emotions, but my desires and interests, as well.

Take, for example, anal sex. I really enjoy it, giving and receiving it. Now, I know I'm hardly alone in this, but for some reason a lot of people consider this classified information. But why should it be? Do we really have to bury our feelings all the time? If my dentist asks me how my weekend went, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that the highlight was all that great anal sex. Well, I'm no liar. And I refuse to put up walls between myself and those around me.

I like to share with people. It brings us all closer together. That's why, if you know me, you know I like masturbating to women's tennis magazines. Of course, I like masturbating to plain old porn, too, but how many times can I mention that before I feel like I'm intentionally trying to hide my enjoyment of tennis magazines out of some societally imposed notion of shame?

That reminds me of the time I caught pubic lice from a woman I met in a bar. Most people would have been all guarded about it, spending the day at work scratching behind closed doors. Not me. I let everyone know what I was going through, and that the reason I had to take a longer than normal lunch was that I had to run to Walgreens and get some Rid. I wasn't about to sidestep the issue. We all need to share what's really going on in our lives.

Then there's my family history. Some people save so-called "deep, dark secrets" for their closest friends. Why they do this, I'll never know. My mother's addiction to painkillers, my father's cross-dressing, the beatings, and what my childhood babysitter did to me–ask me where I grew up, and I'll tell you all this and more.

All this talk of family brings me to my brother. He's in jail for carjacking an SUV. The whole thing went awry, and he accidentally wound up killing the owner. If I'm with someone who has an SUV, I'm not afraid to say, "Hey, my brother is in jail for killing someone over a car like this." If they express shock over my brother's fate, I just tell them, "Oh, being in jail can't be too bad. You get a lot of anal sex there. I love anal sex." Though they usually have to rush off and attend to their busy lives, I get the satisfaction of knowing that I reached out and connected with a fellow human being, no matter how briefly.

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