I Am Sending The Wrong Message To Our Nation's Children

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Vol 34 Issue 19

Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life

BANGOR, ME–Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Monday. "I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible." Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Friday, Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.

FDA Declares Munchos To Be Good Source Of Disodium Guanylate

WASHINGTON, DC–In a report released Monday, the FDA officially recommended Munchos potato crisps as a good source of disodium guanylate. "Consumers who don't get enough disodium guanylate would do well to increase their Muncho intake," the report read. "While a balanced diet that includes three daily servings of Fritos, Funyuns and Andy Capp's Hot Fries provides all the essential additives and preservatives, Munchos are an especially good source of DSG."

Area Man Thinks Girlfriend's Sister Might Be A Little Cuter

CANTON, OH–Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. "Sheri's got a slightly smaller nose, and her breasts are better," a distressed Holm told a male friend after seeing the two sisters side by side for the first time. "And, even though I haven't seen it, I strongly suspect that her stomach is more toned." Holm has not yet decided whether to break up with Amanda.

Court Takes Custody Of Harley From Unfit Motorcycle Mama

TAMPA, FL–Sheila Mimms lost custody of her 1996 Harley-Davidson FXDL Dyna Low Rider Monday, when a court ruled that the 38-year-old waitress is an unfit motorcycle mama. "Ms. Mimms has shown that she is incapable of caring for a young cycle," judge Leon Orem said. "It is the recommendation of this court that the hog be taken into the custody of the state until it can be placed in the care of a more suitable mama." Among the Mimms transgressions cited: infrequent filter replacement, negligent outdoor storage of the bike and inadequate theft-proofing measures.

Robin Williams Inflicted On Holiday Moviegoers For Eighth Straight Year

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For the eighth consecutive year, holiday moviegoers will be subjected to actor Robin Williams, whose Patch Adams hits theaters nationwide Dec. 25. The new film keeps alive the year-end Williams-infliction streak that began with 1991's Hook and includes such heartwarming family fare as Flubber, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire and Aladdin. It is not yet known whether Williams plays a doctor or a professor this time.

Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?
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I Am Sending The Wrong Message To Our Nation's Children

To grow up right in this society, children need role models they can look up to. They need adults who, by the way they act, set good examples for how to live one's life with integrity, honesty and morality. Well, count me out, pal, because every day and in every way, I am sending the wrong message to America's young people!

Take last week, for example. My wife caught me in bed with my secretary. It was bad enough that I was unfaithful to my wife, but when she confronted me about it, I lied to her face, swearing that it was the first time I'd ever strayed and that I'd never do it again. Was it the first time? Hell, no–it was probably the 450th. Would it be the last? Absolutely not. What kind of message does my behavior send to kids? That commitment and trust are meaningless? That it's okay to cheat, so long as you don't get caught? That lying is an acceptable way to get out of difficult situations? These aren't the kinds of messages kids should be receiving. But they're definitely the ones I am sending!

Young people lack the experience to make their own informed judgments and are therefore vulnerable to the influence of others, particularly older people they look up to. That's why it's so bad that I smoke pot in the presence of minors. What's worse, while I'm smoking the pot, I loudly exclaim things like, "Boy, do I love to smoke pot!" and "There's no better feeling in the world than getting really high!" When I say these things in front of kids, it could influence them to get hooked on drugs! Why don't I ever stop to think about the consequences of my actions?

Recently, a 16-year-old from the neighborhood asked me for advice about birth control. I told him that I do not use prophylactics because a real man would never use a condom. By saying that "only pussies are afraid of AIDS," I probably gave him the impression that caution is unnecessary in this day and age. In fact, the more teenagers hear me say, "The bitch can deal with it if she gets knocked up," the more they will believe it. This is absolutely not the sort of message we need to be sending the future leaders of our nation.

There are a million other bad lessons I'm sending young people. Among the many messages I'm sending are that people should look out only for themselves, that dishonesty is rewarded, that it's okay to drink and drive, that money is the most important thing in the world, that women are to be treated as sex objects, that chewing tobacco is tasty and fun, and that the elderly are useless members of society who are to be mocked and treated with disrespect. How much of a chance does America have if impressionable kids have people like me to emulate? Not much!

Fortunately, there are people out there living decent, upright lives and serving as positive role models. These selfless people are doing their part to undo the harm done by people like me, foregoing fun things like drugs and random sex in order to set good examples for our kids. Suckers.

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