I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

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Vol 36 Issue 21

Goodwill Employees Shaken By Gigantic Pants

LUBBOCK, TX–Goodwill workers Pam Stearns and Lydia Rutt were severely shaken by a pair of mammoth men's pants retrieved from the store's donation bin Monday. "At first, I thought it was some sort of denim tent or tarp," a still-rattled Stearns said. "But then, as Lydia started to unfold it, I slowly began to realize that I was looking at a pair of human pants." The colossal trousers are now on display in the employee break room.

SNL Audience Moved To Tears By Soulful, End-Of-Episode Piano Music

NEW YORK–The 296 members of the Saturday Night Live studio audience were moved to tears in the show's closing minutes Saturday by soulful, sentimental piano music. "After 90 minutes of live sketch comedy from the likes of Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows, that piano music set just the right mood of reflection and closure," audience member Liz Nokes said. "Without words, it conveyed just how much we'd been through together and captured the bittersweet feeling that comes from knowing that the good times and laughter have come to a close until next week." The teary-eyed audience swayed along with the cast, guest host Joshua Jackson, and musical guest 'N Sync, smiling wistfully and waving as they bid farewell to yet another successful episode.

Lanthanum Quits Periodic Table Of Elements

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN–The world of chemistry was shaken Monday by lanthanum's announcement that the popular 57th element will quit Transition Group IIIb of the periodic table at the end of the summer. "I have nothing but good things to say about my time with the periodic table," said the ductile, silvery-white metal, speaking from the site of its discovery by Carl Gustav Mosander in 1839. "Nevertheless, I will be stepping down after Labor Day to focus on my own earth-metal solo projects." Rumors of a longtime feud with molybdenum and the constant demands of lens manufacturing are believed to be behind the departure.

MIA Remains In North Korea

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?

Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.
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I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

I'm a busy, on-the-go kind of guy who doesn't always have time for a fancy sit-down meal. So about 10 or 11 times a week, it's McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Hardee's, Arby's, Rax, Jack In The Box, or White Castle for me.

As a frequent patron of burger chains, I'm sad to say that I am not only sick, but also tired of the same old hamburger. Those frozen-patty, cookie-cutter burgers you get from the big boys may be fine for amateurs, but I, in my burger maturity, hunger for something more.

You'd think the nation that conquered space could produce a juicy, all-beef burger made fast with fresh ingredients. It just seems like it would stand to reason. And yet I patronize chain after chain with no such burger in sight.

Why don't any of the major chains offer a Southwest Salsaburger smothered in zesty picante sauce and macaroni and cheese? Or a Deluxe Mushroom 'N' Swiss Burger topped with breaded bacon? It seems like someone out there ought to. After all, I've outgrown that kid stuff. I'm after some real food: real food for my real appetite, one might say.

Is some sort of "Honolulu Burger," with pineapple, monterey jack cheese, and three kinds of pork, the kind of thing that can't be managed by a modern restaurant chain? If so, what a sad state of affairs.

I'm not exactly sure how to define my condition, but for lack of a better term, I've got what you might call "the burger blahs."

Am I asking too much to want "Thik-Kut" homestyle fries with the skins still on them? Don't go looking to McDonald's for that level of product. They mechanically remove the potato skins well in advance of the frying process–or so I'm told. (It might constitute libel to claim out-and-out that that's what happens to the potatoes, so I'll make the distinction clear.)

I am a grown-up! I don't want to seem stupid here, people, but where is the corresponding grown-up burger? I beseech you, restaurateurs of the world, alleviate my plight!

I drive a Cavalier, you know–I make a very nice living. I don't mind shelling out extra money for a hearty seven-grain bun or kaiser roll, baked fresh on the premises that morning. I am prepared to have the cost of sweet, thick-sliced Vidalia onions passed on to me. And how about a patty formed by human hands, not pressed in some machine? Such a burger would undoubtedly cost a little extra, but one bite would convince me it was worth it.

In short, I am not only ready and able, but deeply wanting, to cross over into real burger country. I need only be shown the way.

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