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I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

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WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

I'm a busy, on-the-go kind of guy who doesn't always have time for a fancy sit-down meal. So about 10 or 11 times a week, it's McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Hardee's, Arby's, Rax, Jack In The Box, or White Castle for me.

As a frequent patron of burger chains, I'm sad to say that I am not only sick, but also tired of the same old hamburger. Those frozen-patty, cookie-cutter burgers you get from the big boys may be fine for amateurs, but I, in my burger maturity, hunger for something more.

You'd think the nation that conquered space could produce a juicy, all-beef burger made fast with fresh ingredients. It just seems like it would stand to reason. And yet I patronize chain after chain with no such burger in sight.

Why don't any of the major chains offer a Southwest Salsaburger smothered in zesty picante sauce and macaroni and cheese? Or a Deluxe Mushroom 'N' Swiss Burger topped with breaded bacon? It seems like someone out there ought to. After all, I've outgrown that kid stuff. I'm after some real food: real food for my real appetite, one might say.

Is some sort of "Honolulu Burger," with pineapple, monterey jack cheese, and three kinds of pork, the kind of thing that can't be managed by a modern restaurant chain? If so, what a sad state of affairs.

I'm not exactly sure how to define my condition, but for lack of a better term, I've got what you might call "the burger blahs."

Am I asking too much to want "Thik-Kut" homestyle fries with the skins still on them? Don't go looking to McDonald's for that level of product. They mechanically remove the potato skins well in advance of the frying process–or so I'm told. (It might constitute libel to claim out-and-out that that's what happens to the potatoes, so I'll make the distinction clear.)

I am a grown-up! I don't want to seem stupid here, people, but where is the corresponding grown-up burger? I beseech you, restaurateurs of the world, alleviate my plight!

I drive a Cavalier, you know–I make a very nice living. I don't mind shelling out extra money for a hearty seven-grain bun or kaiser roll, baked fresh on the premises that morning. I am prepared to have the cost of sweet, thick-sliced Vidalia onions passed on to me. And how about a patty formed by human hands, not pressed in some machine? Such a burger would undoubtedly cost a little extra, but one bite would convince me it was worth it.

In short, I am not only ready and able, but deeply wanting, to cross over into real burger country. I need only be shown the way.

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