I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household

One wouldn't know it just to look at me or my vast estate, but I did not have the easy, carefree life of a typical American child. I sometimes find it hard to believe myself, considering all I've inherited! But underneath the smug expression, the 40-year-old Scotch, the affluent tan and entitled jawline, lies a far more difficult truth: I was raised by a single nanny.

Am I ashamed of my understaffed upbringing? No. If I could go back and change it, would I? Of course. No child deserves to be raised with just one surrogate caregiver. But such was the hand I was dealt. Whereas my peers received constant validation and attention from a sizeable retinue ranging from valets to wet nurses, I often spent lonely, hour-long periods of my life in the nursery screaming myself hoarse. Just imagine, a mere child, surrounded only by my countless toys as Carmen, the solitary person charged with raising me, was off somewhere cleaning up a mess I had made!

Things only became more difficult after my brothers Reginald and William came along. Carmen simply took on too much for one so young and inexperienced. If only circumstances had allowed us more nannies! The wisdom I've accrued during the years has taught me that life is not always fair, and that one harried, overwrought woman can only accomplish so much. But attempt to explain such things to a young boy who is late for his riding lesson!

It was never easy for us Pendergrass children.

We had a maid on the weekends, of course, but this affected our development quite little in the grand scheme of things. My brothers and I desperately needed the attention and guidance that only another au pair and two or three additional governesses could provide. If Carmen needed support in raising us from the house's other staffers, she never got it. The chauffeur was always on the road, and the gardener—I forget his name. José, perhaps?—was forever outside, fawning over his precious Japanese hedge maze. Sometimes I'm amazed any of us made it at all.

For many years I was bitter, but I've found it in my heart to forgive Carmen. I can see now that she knew no better, and, for all her faults, she was doing the best she could. In those days, however, I could not understand how, after 14 long hours doting on my siblings and me, she lacked the energy to attend my viola recitals or fencing matches. Perhaps, being so neglected, I had no choice but to lash out at the one closest to me, but I look back with some regret at the constant, vitriolic invective I would hurl her way. If I could take back some of those scathing insults about her weight, religion, skin quality, and ethnicity, I believe I would.

In a sense, I can even feel sympathy for Carmen. I vaguely recall hearing from the kitchen staff occasionally about some children of her own. If they did exist, I hope for their sakes they had some very good nannies. No one knows better than I the lifelong obstacles inadequate childcare can create.

It is sometimes tempting to wonder what could have been had I been born to a more fortunate family. I'm the third-largest donor to the upkeep of the greens at the country club, but had I not been forced to fend for myself so early on, might I not be the largest? I'm the vice president of my yacht club, but had I not endured such a hardscrabble youth, might I not today be president? Alas, it does no good to torture myself so. I must simply come to terms with the fact that that early trauma has had a lasting impact.

In the end, I suppose I'm somewhat grateful for the difficulties I've had to face. Though I suffered terribly, it built character. Most importantly, it made me fiercely determined to see to it that my children have literally dozens of servants at their disposal. My progeny will be so well taken care of that I should have no need to worry about them whatsoever before they turn 18.

I made a vow when I extricated myself from that life of hardship: No child of mine will ever go wanting for the tender embrace of a hired caretaker.

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