I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

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VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

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Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

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Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

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Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

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Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.



I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household

One wouldn't know it just to look at me or my vast estate, but I did not have the easy, carefree life of a typical American child. I sometimes find it hard to believe myself, considering all I've inherited! But underneath the smug expression, the 40-year-old Scotch, the affluent tan and entitled jawline, lies a far more difficult truth: I was raised by a single nanny.

Am I ashamed of my understaffed upbringing? No. If I could go back and change it, would I? Of course. No child deserves to be raised with just one surrogate caregiver. But such was the hand I was dealt. Whereas my peers received constant validation and attention from a sizeable retinue ranging from valets to wet nurses, I often spent lonely, hour-long periods of my life in the nursery screaming myself hoarse. Just imagine, a mere child, surrounded only by my countless toys as Carmen, the solitary person charged with raising me, was off somewhere cleaning up a mess I had made!

Things only became more difficult after my brothers Reginald and William came along. Carmen simply took on too much for one so young and inexperienced. If only circumstances had allowed us more nannies! The wisdom I've accrued during the years has taught me that life is not always fair, and that one harried, overwrought woman can only accomplish so much. But attempt to explain such things to a young boy who is late for his riding lesson!

It was never easy for us Pendergrass children.

We had a maid on the weekends, of course, but this affected our development quite little in the grand scheme of things. My brothers and I desperately needed the attention and guidance that only another au pair and two or three additional governesses could provide. If Carmen needed support in raising us from the house's other staffers, she never got it. The chauffeur was always on the road, and the gardener—I forget his name. José, perhaps?—was forever outside, fawning over his precious Japanese hedge maze. Sometimes I'm amazed any of us made it at all.

For many years I was bitter, but I've found it in my heart to forgive Carmen. I can see now that she knew no better, and, for all her faults, she was doing the best she could. In those days, however, I could not understand how, after 14 long hours doting on my siblings and me, she lacked the energy to attend my viola recitals or fencing matches. Perhaps, being so neglected, I had no choice but to lash out at the one closest to me, but I look back with some regret at the constant, vitriolic invective I would hurl her way. If I could take back some of those scathing insults about her weight, religion, skin quality, and ethnicity, I believe I would.

In a sense, I can even feel sympathy for Carmen. I vaguely recall hearing from the kitchen staff occasionally about some children of her own. If they did exist, I hope for their sakes they had some very good nannies. No one knows better than I the lifelong obstacles inadequate childcare can create.

It is sometimes tempting to wonder what could have been had I been born to a more fortunate family. I'm the third-largest donor to the upkeep of the greens at the country club, but had I not been forced to fend for myself so early on, might I not be the largest? I'm the vice president of my yacht club, but had I not endured such a hardscrabble youth, might I not today be president? Alas, it does no good to torture myself so. I must simply come to terms with the fact that that early trauma has had a lasting impact.

In the end, I suppose I'm somewhat grateful for the difficulties I've had to face. Though I suffered terribly, it built character. Most importantly, it made me fiercely determined to see to it that my children have literally dozens of servants at their disposal. My progeny will be so well taken care of that I should have no need to worry about them whatsoever before they turn 18.

I made a vow when I extricated myself from that life of hardship: No child of mine will ever go wanting for the tender embrace of a hired caretaker.

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